h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

yesterday was not a good day for me,actually in all honesty the last few weeks and days have'nt been good and god i feel so low and and all i seem to be doing is ing all the time .....i knew this day would come one day were i just could'nt hold it together anymore and i can feel the cracks in my mentality beging to show.

do you ever sometimes wish you had never been born?....well i do and god forgive me for saying that as life is a precious gift that we are all given but i just want out of mine now as had enough. ....after reading that bit you might be wondering why i've said that and i have my reason....there's many factors as to why i feel like this as nearly lost my mum to breast cancer 5 years ago and then last year i nearly lost might dad to a bad stroke,thankfully their both still here as without them i'd be lost but the fear is always still there....i know one day i will lose them both and that will be the day my life ends for good as without them i'm nothing.

for many years years now i've always put on a brave face an a but inside i'm dying and each day i become more and more tired of this world so much so that i pray for death but saldy my prayers are never answered and i have to go on in a world that i don't belong or fit into and because i'm not beautiful and slim i'm deemed to be unworthy of love and respect which is so wrong as i have a heart that's full of love for the right person but no one takes the time to look at the person i am inside.

another factor in the way i'm feeling is because i've been having such a bad time of it lately with my illness which is something called hydranitis,i've had it for many years now and over the years it has gotten worse as i'm no longer able to work because of this as it can leave me unable to walk or move my arms and neck at times and it's also extremely painful and very unsightly as i have it all over my body ly,they don't know how i've got it as it's a form of bug that attacks the sweat glands in the human body which causes the glands to become bloked and infected (and no it does'nt mean that i don't wash before you think it ) there's no cure for this illness so basically it's soemthing i will have to cope with for the rest of my life

anyway i'll end this journal entry for now as i can feel the tears starting to well up again and i've more tears in my lifetime than anyone my age should have to.

Ally I cant even start to think how you must feel , as far family I can understand I lost both in a year Dad thank the spirits passed away in his sleep, Mum was very ill, heart trouble, and went 'down hill' very quickly and died in Hospital I had no one but I knew that they wouldnt have wanted me to give up. Irish mother she would have haunted me forever. Its not easy ally I'd be lying if I said otherwise, but would your Mum and Dad want you to just give up and die I dont think so hunni.
how can you say that you are nothing without them you are the sum of them I am a great believer that the physical may die but the soul, spirit whatever you want to call it, 'lives' as long as you remember them.
You say you dont 'fit in' do any of us really so every woman in the world doesnt look like barbie or posh 'bucks' THANK THE SPIRITS shite it would be a boring place. Its being different thats make who we are, dont ever think of that as a problem its a blessing ,it defines you , your personality, your very being,

I know its not my place to say ally but I think its 'peace' you need alot more than what you've been praying for

Blessed be

Jonathan

ps excuse typos after fifth time of typing I didnt bother to check it .......

hiya my dear friend 's

dont you ever say ur not worth nethin because to me u r a treasured friend and im really glad ive got to know u i know things seem bad at the moment but it will get betta im not goin to write alot on here cause we've got the other thread and ive wrote alot there all im goin to say is...ur worth more than what u think u r...dont forget that!!! eva!!!!!

all my n 's

ur friend always

Zoe

xxxxxx

hi jon and thanks for the posting in response to what i wrote in my journal

as for what you said about me needing peace well maybe your right but the only time i am at peace is when i'm asleep so for me death is the ultimate peace as it's a state from which you can no longer wake and from which you no longer have to face the pain and injustice of this world so that's why i pray for it.

i know life is never easy and i'm not looking for the easy way out but it seems that all i seem to get throwen at me is crap and i just want a break from all this pain you know for something good and happy to happen in my life but whenever i think i may have found it or that it has happened it just all turns to shit once again so why bother trying to fight for it.

to answer your question no i don't think my parents would want to hear me talk like that as my mum tells me off whenever i've said i don't want to be here but they don't seem to understand were i'm coming from at the end of the day and they often tell me that some of my troubles are my fault which i know they are but that's just the way it is.

take care

hello hun.

thanks for all the nice stuff you've said about me but sadly hunni it will never get better for me as it never has done even though i've been told before that it will

things are just getting on top of me and i just can'nt seem to cope anymore zoe and you my dear friend know some of the reasons why,maybe one day i'll find the peace that jon said i needed but i wont hold my breathe waiting for it as i know all i'll find is more pain and crap to cope with as that's just the way my life seems to be going at the moment.

your also a valued friend hunni and i'm also glad that i've found you as without you phone calls listening to me moan and winge and your constant nutty behaviour that has had me in tears with ter then things could of been a whole lots worse and i thank you from the bottom of my for all you've done for me.

god bless hun and take care an keep safe.

and vvvvvbs


xxxxxxxx

u put that has if its the last time ur gonna chat to me ally...dont u ever give up r u listenin to me...u r worth sumthin and always will be so dont ever think ur not and i dont mind listenin to u...u know that...i know how u feel hun...i feel it alot meself...but like i sed brave face me...and uve been there for me alot as well hun...which makes u a vry special person too



's

Zoe

xxxxx

Hi ally

hope you feeling better and not so down hun, I know it doesnt look like it now, but things will get better and you are too level headed to know it wont happen over nite, its not going to be perfect nothing ever is but there will be more good days than bad, have faith please

hope you dont mind but I've mailed you just in case you ever feel the need



Jonathan

hello binty and yeah it did look like i was going for good when i posted that msg but you know me i'm still here (mores the pity ).....thanks for the phone call today as you made me laugh which is something i needed as have'nt felt much like laughing lately

take care hunni and chat soon.

and vvvvbs
your friend
xxxxxxxxx

hello jon

yeah i know it wont happen over night as nothing ever does but i wish it would start to get easier as i can feel myself starting to head towards rock bottom which is a place i've been close to hitting afew times

i'm just losing the will to fight hun as i'm just fed up of having to do it all the time ...you'd think that for someone like me who's of irish decent,a fire sign and also a redhead that i'd be alot more fiesty but don't know what the hell happened as i've turned into a complete wreck of a wimp!

no i did'nt mind that you'd sent me that mail as it was nice to know that i have people who i can turn to when i turn into a complete raving o which by the looks of it wont be to far off

anyway darlin you take good care and look after yourself.

s and

hey thats what im here for hun...makin u laugh...i think u needed it neway bint...lol...replyed to ya e mail as well...tee hee...so ill see ya soon im off for a lurk....like i do...


take care my dear friend

's n


Zoe

xxxxxxx

hello stranger and i hope you and callum are doing well and that he's alot better now after his tummy bug.

i think hun i need more than laughter but at the moment nothing seems to be going right for me.

anyway you take care hunni and god bless.

and s
your friend
xxxxxxxx

hey hows u doin girl,just read your journal.
for someone with the problems you have,i think your one cool lady with loads of bottle,im off to bed soon but just thought i'd say hi..

hello celtic hunni and long time no speak

hope you've been keeping well m8ty and that things have been going good for you.

no worries that you've read my journal as that's what it's there for and thanks for saying those nice things about my being a cool lady and brave,to be honest i'm just trying to cope as best i can with a bad situation and hopeing i can pull something positive from it.

take care babes

hiya babe,life's got loadsa hi's and low's,at this moment ur getting all the low's but things even out so just look forward to all the hi's cummin ur way,chin up and be happy gorgeous...

i'll survive hun as i always have done plus i know that even though i'm going through a time at the mo there are other people outhere that are worse off than me and as they say what does'nt kill you only makes you stronger

anyway we can'nt all have perfect lives as there's no such thing as everyone hits bad spots at one time or another

thanks for the kind words though.

take care hun