h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ever realised that the world of Hollywood is not the world that the rest of us live in? No? Think on the following more obvious differences between realities.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth birthday.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
In moments of extreme danger couples can always have sex without being interrupted, although someone may walk in while the man finishes dressing.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
It is necessary to kill a villain several times, using a variety of methods, before he is actually dead.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilisation.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
No matter how injured a villain is, he never weakens.
One kiss will normally lead to passionate sex.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Villains never feel pain.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
When investigating a noise outside the house, always leave the door wide open for the intruder to easily gain entry.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
You can always find a chain-saw when you need one.
You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.

THIS is why Hollywood leaves me dumbfounded!

Hath
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