h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Last December I was working at Boots. I was selling toys and Christmas gifts and there was Christmas music playing in the shop. I had a close relationship with the commercialism of Christmas, being in the centre of town and selling all the time. But I didn't exactly feel any pressure to have any particular Christmas experience myself. I did attend the work Christmas dinner, but that was right there in the canteen- hardly a stretch. And because I was working hard I lost weight and got fitter than I'd been for years- hardly a traditional December outcome. This year things are different. For the first time I feel like a proper grownup, having had a regular job since April, one that I've settled into and I'm good at, one I know I can keep more or less as long as I want. This gives me a sense of security and independence I've never really had before. And the reglar contact with the same people has been different as well. This year for some reason I've felt an incredible pressure. And the key word has been FAMILY. Are you going home to your family? Will you be seeing your family this year? What about Stephen's family? No, no and no. I've felt a bit depressed at times today, focusing on my lack of family ties. And Stephen and I would be quite happy sitting around, having a nice meal and watching TV. But it's tainted somehow. I feel like I SHOULD be somewhere else, doing something SPECIAL. This urge to conform- it rarely gets me, but it makes me feel a bit sick on days like this.

That was the last good Christmas of an era. Christmas 2005 I was making plans to break up with Stephen, and in fact I did break up with him two days later. An unhappy, unsettled time. Christmas 2005 I spent alone in Ben's house, hiding from the appalling concept of spending time with his family and unwilling to admit, yet, how miserable I was in that relationship. This year? Who knows. I'll be single, probably. Nobody to be misfits together with. Certainly no family. And you feel out of place that day, doing anything other than what is universally prescribed. On the internet? So sad. Eating something other than turkey? Might as well just top yourself. Yes, I see why suicide is highest at this time of the year. And for those who DO have the stiflingly close bosom of a family to go to, murder!