h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Finally after years of extorting dollars from travellers, I have managed to retire my steam driven but trusty crash-o-matic computer with it's 32 meg of Ram, and boldly leap into the world of XP, and acres of hard drive space.
Not too sure about this XP though, it seems a smug, and holier than thou operating system.

Not familiar. Is XP the system with an automatic choke and central heating?

It's got a default desktop with a scene from The Sound of Music, is about as logical as a woman, and doesn't spell rite.

The truly great thing about XP is the 'Remote Assistance' feature, which allows hackers to take over your computer without taking up your valuable hard drive space running their own progs for that purpose.

Dunno what Microsoft's company motto is, but whatever it might be they should change it to "Resistance is Futile".

"Remote assistance"

I have that fitted in the back seat of the Car.
It goes all the time. "Not so fast.... Where are you going? .. etc. etc."

I get interference from the passenger seat...from the one that opened the side of the car up like a tin of beans on the gatepost...wrote off a bus shelter...and makes the children scream with her erratic driving...

Urf!

What does she have against bus shelters? They seem fairly inoffensive to me.
I have to my cost, found that no way do you get my wife to tow a non starting car. You sit there and watch her do a Daytona Speedway drag start, the slack in the tow rope uncoils faster than that from a japanese whalers harpoon gun, and you watch the front suspension caterpault into the hedge.
Somehow this is "all your fault".

How much shelter does a bus need anyway? Honestly, the way you people coddle your busses over there. Screw that, in America, a bus sleeps out in the cold. No wonder we have to attack every nation on the globe, yer all a bunch of pansies.

The exception to the above is, of course, the common house bus. They're more likely allowed to sleep indoors, with the kids. The kids, in turn, are responsible for the care and feeding of the bus, and are also responsible for filing my corns, but really now, that has little to do with the family bus.

A bit of advice: If your bus balks at not being let into its shelter, roll up a newspaper and menace it threatening-like. If that doesn't cow the bus, light the paper and stuff it down the gas intake.

As one who has lived in a bus,(1949 Leyland Diesel) trundling the Antipodes for 13 years,preaching the virtues of Love, Peace, Sex, and Rock and Roll, I find your remarks about buses threatening and offensive. I shall be reporting you to the Society for the Prevention of Unspeakable Things to Buses, surely a bus has a right to shelter, fuel, and a modicum of grease.

Oh, the nightmares to be had where the fairer sex get involved with towing vehicles…

Being towed at forty-five miles per hour in a thirty zone; even with the longest towing rope in the world you would still need the reaction speed of a blowfly on a horse’s arse, and you have to jump with both feet and stand on the brake pedal in order to avoid writing off both vehicles. Pulling out from a junction and having a car actually go between you and the towing car, at speed over the rope, has to be one of the highlights of anybody’s cardiovascular day. Without a shadow of a doubt, the experience surely robbed me of at least ten years of my life. Two words sum up my thinking on this subject; NEVER AGAIN!!!!

And on the subject of bus shelters…battered women have shelters to go to, so do the homeless. After the service they provide (keeping many thousands of women mobile, without the use of their husband’s cars), the very least that buses deserve is a roof over their heads, a safe place to sleep, a hot bowl of soup and a crusty bap.

Don’t knock it, fatso.

(that's what I said to my wife, but she seems to be incapable of following simple instructions)