h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I wanted to read on when I got to the end, which is always promising for a short introduction. You do lose focus a little bit early on. You write, "in the distance you can just make out the distant Lall Mountains, separating Tymere from the forest." You have shifted tense there from the past into the present, and also used a second-person address. I presume that you're trying to put the reader into the scene, but those kinds of shift need careful handling. It's probably best to trust to the reader's imagination - if you describe the scene well enough, they ought to imagine themselves in there anyway.

I'm also unsure about "skies opened and rain tumbled down to the ground in sheets of heavy rain". You obviously repeat the word 'rain' twice (it's also in the following sentence); the reference to the skies opening also says the same thing. You could probably get by with something straightforward like "it began to rain heavily". If you wanted to be a bit more inventive, you could omit "heavily" and find an original simile.

I presume this is the start of a longer piece; I'd be interested to see it when it's finished.

Hope this helps.

I can see i made a few mistakes. io have a problem with going back to change the first part of a sentence, without thinking about the rest of the sentence. i also get bored when i read things through so i don't pick out mistakes when i write.

i'm sorry but i gave up on this story a long time ago. i just don't bother to finish most things. is it sounds good, i'll ruin it if i keep writing.

Now i think about it. i can't actually remember most of what i wrote. i write when i get bored so i've got plenty of odd bits of stories.

the ones i wrote in primary school are the most fun (i found some out the other day) it's all copied from things i read at the time. i was almost in stitches, they were so terrible...