h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

 I have absorbed much radiation from the sun. I generate a lot of heat. I am sunburnt. I am red. I am roasty. I shall prematurely age. Actually I already have prematurely aged. Most women fear turning into their mothers. I should be so lucky. My mother is ultra-hip. I have skipped a generation and turned into my grandmother. Nana worked for a bank too. Nana watched the morning news while putting on her nylon stockings. Nana. Actually come to think of it, Nana is wilder than me... She still goes dancing, which is more that I can say for myself. So I guess I shouldn't worry about the sunburn...

So, you were Amber, and now you're red - there's some kind of joke in there about turning into a set of traffic lights, but I should probably leave it there...

If I remember my last experience with a set of traffic lights
this afternoon, next comes red and amber together. So you can
look forward to bits of you reverting back to normal. Like
the previous researcher, I hesitate to think of the next step.
Do you wear one of those funny copper bracelets for rheumatism
at all?

Something is going to make you either very sick or very jealous!