h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

EPISODE 1 – APOCALYPSE NOW

Vancouver 2019

The husks of long dead cars littered the street, the machines blackened and fused together into one solid lump of metal but some incredible heat. The roads they lay on were no better; there were black patches everywhere, the mark left by molten tar cooling quickly. At one end of the road was a barricade made of almost anything that its creators could find.

Behind this shoddy defence the men sat, waiting. A few were armed with guns that they had managed to find from somewhere. Drake, their leader, even boasted an energy weapon stolen from their enemy. Those without weapons clutched shovels, crowbars and other alternatives in their sweaty palms. They sat there for some time. It could have been hours or even days, but then it came. From the darkness their enemy advanced, ten-foot soldiers and a gunmetal grey tank, held aloft on anti-gravitational fields rather than tracks.

"I can't face this boss" one man shivered, "This can't be happening to me"

"Well it is!" Drake hissed through clenched teeth, "So believe it"

"It must be a dream"

"Well if it is then it shouldn't be to painful when they get you should it?"

The young man looked back at his superior with wide eyes. Drake immediately knew he'd said the wrong thing.

"Look boy" he said softly, holding out a hand, but he never had a chance to finish what he was saying as their barricade was blasted apart by a single energy shot from the enemy tank. Drake felt his whole left side burn and blister as the heat washed over him and the shock wave caught him and threw him along the road for a good twenty metres. He landed on the bonnet of one of the burnt-out cars and slid over, landing in a heap on the other side.

He had no time to sit and lick his wounds; he was on his feet in a second and peering over the ridge of the wreck. The barricade and most of his men had been vaporised by the blast. The only other survivor seemed to be Collins, the young lad he'd been talking to before. He ducked across the road as laser bolts sang through the air. The boy was hiding in a side alley, nursing a broken arm.

"They got us boss" Collins sobbed gently,

"'Fraid so" Drake admitted, "Come on, let's get out of here"

He grabbed his companion's arm and they sprinted further down the alley, away from the lasershots. The laser blasts carried on shooting past Drake and Collins until they were out of sight, disappearing into the smoke which had been caused by the laser blasts hitting the remains of old cars and buildings.

One of the men left alive struggled to lift himself up off the ground on which he was lying, but he had no success. He slumped on the floor, death probably wasn’t far away.

He heard a feint slithering sound coming from distance; he crawled along the floor, reaching for his gun.

He rolled onto his back to face his enemy as a huge bionic arm came crashing down over his head.

"Messy..." his killer remarked sluggishly.

His killer turned to face its comrades, "Get after the other two...destroy them on sight, I shall report that this area is now ours!"

* * * * *

The TARDIS console room was white. In truth, it was very white. The walls were patterned like an inverted pill sachet, each roundel glowing with an inner light. A large computer bank dominated one of the walls with a screen on top and a door leading off further into the incredible craft. The opposite wall was dominated by a pair of huge double doors indented in a similar way to the other walls. In the centre of the room was a hexagonal control console covered in instruments. The shape of this computer was mirrored by a hexagon on the floor.

The inner door opened and a short cosmic hobo type man emerged. He had an untidy mop top style haircut and wore clothes that were a couple of sizes to big for him. Hot on his heels was another man wearing a yellow jumper, a leather jerkin and a traditional Scottish kilt.

"Why can't we go to Scotland Doctor?" the second man, whose name was Jamie, whined,

"You know I can't Jamie" the Doctor sighed as if he'd said exactly this thing several times before, which he had, "Now please, I must check the instruments" He didn't really have to but it was as good enough an excuse as any to look busy. Whilst he prodded buttons and checked screens Jamie sat down in a slightly incongruous antique chair and tried to get some sleep.

Both men had been following these aims for only a few minutes when another person entered. She was a shorter even than the Doctor and dressed in a blue knee-length skirt with a matching waistcoat and shirt. She wandered around for a little while, took a quick peak over the Doctor's shoulder before standing behind Jamie.

"Do we know where we're going?" she asked. Jamie was snapped out of his semi-sleep.

"What? Oh, no. You know the Doctor, pretends he won't tell us until
we get there but he does nay know any better than we do"

"That is not true!" the Doctor called from the far side of the room. There was a heavy thud and the time rotor ceased oscillating, "See, we've landed"

"And where are we?" Victoria asked,

"Ah, now that's the surprise" the short man smiled widely, clapped his hands and rocked back and forth on his heels, "Are you coming?" He was already halfway out of the doors.

Jamie and Victoria shared a look and then followed.

* * * * *

President Zereni of the United Earth Alliance sat in his office in the Earth command headquarters in St. Petersburg.
President Zereni was indeed a Russian, only recently elected, and the first Russian President of Earth. He had won the election by promising to reach out to other planets and begin to negotiate and make alliances, the people of earth wanted new allies and new friends.

But now president Zereni had a far greater problem, a savage alien race appeared to have crash landed on his planet, but he had no doubt that was intended in some way, he wasn’t a military strategist.

No reports had returned about the aliens and they were already making there way across the globe. He had mobilised defence forces across Europe using old-fashioned communications devices such as Morse code, their communications network had been disrupted before the landing.
He might have had some more information if the Earth records hadn’t all been destroyed during the Fourth world war four years ago, the planet was doing well...until this.

"Sir-"

He depressed his intercom, "Yes?"

"We have captured one of their ships sir, and I think you will be quite surprised, they’re not what we were expecting..."

* * * * *

Drake and Collins skidded around a corner and barrelled down the next street. Everywhere they went there were signs of death and destruction. Neither of them knew this area very well but compared to their old patch it seemed relatively free of the enemy. There were on an overpass now, there couldn't be sure if their chasers were still on their tail but it never paid to take things for granted.

"Can we stop?" Collins begged, slowing to a halt and bending double, clutching a stitch in his side.

"Alright lad, we've probably shaken them off" but he didn't believe this for a minute. He began scanning the immediate vicinity for anything he could use to help them. His eyes came to rest on an over-turned lorry. Its contents, a number of mattresses had spilled from a gash in its roof and were littered around them. "Here, help me throw some of these over the side"

The younger man stopped panting and stared at him in disbelief, "We aren't going to jump off?"

"Why not?" Drake smiled roguishly, "These mattresses look pretty secure. They set to work and in less than a minute they'd already made a small pile below them.

"What's that?" Collins asked, dropping his end of the mattress they were currently moving,

"What's what?"

"That noise"

They both listened, sure enough there was a high-pitched whine coming from along the road. Drake's face slid slowly into an expression of outright horror.

"Fighter" he said simply. They both swore loudly and threw the mattress of the railing. They turned to see the dark shape of the enemy fighter craft coming straight towards them, gunports open.

"Jump!" Drake ordered,

"But boss" Collins quavered and moved away from the railing.

"I said jump goddamn you!" yelled the older man, grabbing his colleague by the collar and throwing him over the edge. He climbed over the railing and looked over his shoulder, the fighter was nearly upon them, with a high-pitched whine ruby red laser bolts cut the air. Drake leapt and not a minute to late as behind him the truck's petrol tanks were hit and exploded outwards before the entire bridge collapsed in on itself.

* * * * *

President Zereni walked into the central plaza outside the Earth Command Central Headquarters in St. Petersburg, his armed escort knew that the invaders had not arrived in this part of the world yet, but they were taking no chances, that ship had been described as being one of theirs, though Zereni did not know why, they hadn’t even received the reports about the space craft of these aliens.

"Where’s the ship?" Zereni asked the Captain of his Guard, a man named Hogle.

Hogle looked around, though he didn’t know why, his gaze rested on the blue box which had materialised in the plaza.

"There it is Mr President," Hogle replied, gesturing toward the blue box.

"Can you get inside?" The President asked.

"Quite possibly sir, cutters!" Hogle called and two men with large whirling saws and cutting tools approached the box.

As they grew closer the doors were flung wide open and a scruffy looking messy haired man stood in the entrance to the blue box.

"Cutters Hold!" Hogle called.

"Hello there!" The man said cheerfully.

* * * * *

The fighter curved around in its flight path and came past for one final check; just to make certain that no one had survived. On the ground Drake lay perfectly still, a hand clamped over Collins' mouth. The fighter finally disappeared into the distance and he removed his hand. He was quite surprised that the other man didn't say anything immediately.

"We have to get out of here" he finally commented.
Drake nodded, "That thought had occurred to me yes" He got up and dusted himself off, "Come on, better make tracks"

The two men set off along the road away from the ruins of the overpass. As they walked they passed corpses, most human but some of their enemy. After an hour of walking and occasionally ducking into cover they finally reached an area that seemed Valeshini-free. There was still wreckage everywhere but les so than in other parts of the city.

"Probably only caught in the preliminary bombardment,” one of them said. They left the road and wandered into a wrecked shopping centre. The place was deserted but some of the shop window's had been smashed in and their contents taken. A large chunk of roof had caved in and lay amongst the ruins of a café. They searched the café but its stocks of food had been taken. Finding nothing else of interest on the ground floor they ascended the motionless escalators to the second floor. It was getting dark outside and at any rate the centre would provide cover for the night.

They came to large area used for public announcements and the like. Drake climbed onto the stage and tested the microphone; the cable had been pulled out at the socket. He fixed it back in and looked around for Collins. Another man was holding him around the neck. This one was significantly taller and held an automatic pistol to his captive's head.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed,

"Looking for food" Drake replied honestly,

"Well you ain’t going to find no food around here. This is our patch and we've had all the food"

"Then we'll be leaving" he jumped down from the stage and headed for the door, "Come along Collins"

"You ain’t going no where. Like I said, we've had all the food" about fifteen more people emerged from the shadows, "We take it where we can find it. I reckon you and your friend here should be awfully tasty"

* * * * *

The Valeshini Command centre which had been set up on Earth was an entire fortress, which had been transported from Valeshnos and set up as soon as the Invasion was underway. From inside this fortress, the Valeshini could control all of their actions on Earth, as well as use nuclear missiles and various other weapons. But nuclear Missiles would have ruined the planet, and they needed it in tact.

Grand Marshall Swift, the head of the Valeshini Invasion force stood silently as he watched the Valeshini workers build defences for his fortress and fortify the base. They had already taken most of the country, after their unfortunate crash landing.

A soft humming was coming from the side of swift; the humming was being emitted from a holographic projection of a silhouette of a Humanoid Figure.

"I trust everything is under control after the unfortunate landing?" The Figure said ominously.

"Yes of course!" Swift snapped, he did not like the way that this being had integrated himself into their hierarchy, but apparently he had been of great help to the Emperor, and as long as the other Valeshini did not know about him, he was a useful person to have around.

"I am wiping out the last pockets of resistance, and destroying all human beings on site," Swift told the figure.

The doors to The Grand Marshalls office opened and another Valeshini entered, closing the doors behind him to make sure no one else saw inside.

"Yes Garth what is it?"

Garth stepped up to the Grand Marshall, taking the time to bow before the Humanoid Figure, since he was quite pleased he had been let in on this little secret of the empire.

He handed a note to Swift, who read it, "Ah excellent, we have taken another sector."

"There was one thing sir," Garth began, "Two humans escaped our patrols, we sent a fighter after them but there was no sign of them. They may have joined with the resistance."

"Send more fighters, eradicate that part of the city. I cannot allow their resistance to grow!" Swift ordered.
Garth bowed and left.

"How long until you take the country?" The Humanoid Figure asked.

"Not long now," Swift replied, "Not long at all..."

* * * * *

Neil Drake gulped and tried to take in the situation laid out before him. He and a useless idiot were trapped inside a shopping centre by a group of cannibals. Heavily armed cannibals. Even if they did escape, which was unlikely, they would then be faced by an army of very angry slugs with even bigger guns. Had they been a company their shares would have just taken a jump off of the high dive.

The cannibals were moving in on them now. They had reached into the rags that constituted clothing and drawn sharp implements, very good for cutting through meat.

"You must understand, this is nothing personal gentlemen" their ringleader smirked, pushing Collins away from him and towards Drake, "If I knew you then it'd be personal, but I don't so it's just killing then eating you" he smiled, "Pity we don't have any stock, I make very nice gravy. Or rather, /you/'d make very good gravy" He guffawed at his own pun, a few of his men joining in.

The rest happened very quickly, there was a deafening blast, the wall was blown away and for the third time that day he found himself flung through the air. He twisted around and landed running, grabbing Collins and dragging him towards the door. The wall behind the stage had indeed been blown away and half of the cannibals killed in the process. As he exited he caught sight of a large Valeshini gunship, they must really want them dead otherwise they'd have sent a fighter.
They didn't stop to see what happened to the others, they barrelled down the escalators and sprinted through the shopping centre. The gunship's crew obviously knew they hadn’t got them as they were systematically blasting away the roof above them, trying to kill them. The two men threw themselves under a large display stand as another energy bolt struck down behind them.

"This won't hold!" Collins screamed, "They'll kill us!"

"They will if you don't shut up and let me think!" Drake replied just as loudly. The anger was just a cover to hide how anxious he was as well. The stand was almost entirely gone already and all they had was a pistol and a Valeshini blaster. He slowly slumped backwards, defeated it. His head came to rest on a box. He turned and pulled the box open. Inside were a number of plate mirrors.
He had an idea.

The gunship was firing lasers, lasers were just concentrated light, he knew they could be reflected off of mirrors, he'd seen it happen before. The question was: would the mirror stand the heat? One on its own: No. But if he piled them up...

He grabbed the stack of mirrors and told the hysterical Collins to stay put. Taking a deep breath he jumped out held the stack of mirrors over him. Just as he'd planned a column of energy struck down. It hit the mirrors with enough power to throw him backwards, melt the panels and burn his fingers. But it worked. The beam was reflected back along itself and straight up into the craft's gunports. With yet another bang the laser cannon's energy cells detonated and the gunship was engulfed in a ball of flames. It banked sharply to one side and began heading down straight towards them.
Less than a minute later Drake and Collins were lying outside of the ruins of the shopping centre, trying to determine if they were dead or not.

"You" Collins managed between gasps, "Are a walking magnet for chaos you know that!"

He shrugged, "It's odd really, I used to work in accountancy before all this"

They both laughed.

* * * * *

Once again Grand Marshall Swift stood before the Humanoid Figure in the shimmering holographic field.

"Well?" The Figure demanded.

"They destroyed the Gun ship," Swift reported, half scared of the
punishment he might receive, half furious at the people who had humiliated him.

"How?" The Figure asked.

"It would appear that they have more advanced weaponry than we thought..."

"If they had such weaponry then they would have used it before now...As they haven’t, that must mean that they are developing weapons of their own, either that or your gun ship was careless."

"My gun ship! Careless!" Swift exploded, grateful that he didn’t have to deal with the Figure face to face.

"Deal with the problem of these pests!" The Figure ordered, cutting off Swift before he could get any further into trouble, "I don’t care how many ships it takes. I want this whole area taken, then you can move on to your next target."

"As you wish..." Swift said, clenching is bionic hand and unclenching it.

"Good. Now I must talk to the Emperor. Do not fail me."
And with that the Figure faded from sight.

Swift stared at the space it had left behind for a moment then he turned to the window, he walked up to it and looked out at the workers once more, then he spoke into his intercom.

"Dispatch more troops, I want this whole area destroyed, and I want all ports and other escape areas guarded!"

* * * * *

"Great, another cell" Jamie sighed heavily, pacing around the room.

"Now, now Jamie" the Doctor calmed him, "We shan't be in here for
long. Once they've discovered we're not aliens they'll have to let us go won't they?"

"Well me and Victoria may be alright but what happens when they find out you're not human?" the Scotsman asked,

"Jamie's right Doctor, they won't let you go if they think you're an alien" Victoria whined.

The Doctor laid a consoling hand on her back and smiled at her, looking straight into her eyes. There was something about that look the Doctor gave that somehow made her feel calmer, no matter what hellish situation they were in. She settled back in her chair and left the argument hang. It seemed that the offices didn't have any cells so they'd been locked in a disused side room. There were a couple of chairs and an empty bookcase.

The lock scraped back and the door swung open. A pair of guards walked in and covered their prisoners with machine guns. After them an official looking man in a suit entered, a clipboard held in his hands.

"The medical checks on you two" he gestured to Jamie and Victoria, "Are clean, but you" he now turned to the Doctor, "Seem to have a slightly different biology" he moved closer so that only he and the Doctor could here what he was saying, "I presume you are a gen-adapt"

The Doctor quickly cycled through his memory of Earth terms. Gen-adapts was a nickname given to those unfortunate people that had been genetically adapted during the fourth world war. It had been terrible and harrowing, most were only minor changes, increased brain power but quite a few had been horrendous mutations. Men covered in additional arms, no limbs and a computer transmitter inside their brain. Those had been used as sentient security devices. One of the worst things ever to be perpetrated by mankind, right up there with the Holocaust.

Slowly the Doctor nodded and made his face deliberately sadder. It may be slightly disrespectful but it was preferable to them finding out the truth.

The man nodded also, "I understand. I shall not mention it to anyone" he pulled back and smiled widely, raising his voice so that the others could here, "Come now, you all have a meeting with the President to attend"

* * * * *

President Zereni sat at his desk enjoying an exquisite meal, some of the finest meat for miles around was on his plate and he was just finishing it off. He grasped the wine bottle in his hand and poured himself a glass, he placed his knife and fork on the plate and sipped his wine.

There was a knock on the door and a man in a suit entered, "Sir, prisoners are here for your inspection."

Zereni nodded and dismissed the aide with a wave of his hand, he pushed the plate to one side as another aide entered and removed the dirty plate. He left the wine where it was.

The doors were pushed open and The Doctor, Jamie and Victoria were shown in by two security guards, holding them at gunpoint.

"Leave us," Zereni said.

Both guards looked like they were going to object, and perhaps had many reasons for doing so, but they kept silent and exited the room.
"So your the President eh?" The Doctor extended a hand, which the President reluctantly shook. "The orchestrator of the world peace, It is an honour!"

Zereni nodded with a smile, "Thankyou...um?"

"Oh, I am the Doctor," he gestured to Jamie and Victoria, "This is Jamie and Victoria."

The President nodded, and gestured to the wine bottle, "Would you care for some Doctor?" he asked.

The Doctor shook his head, "No no, I'm alright."

Zereni shrugged, "Very well, your loss. Now perhaps you can tell me what you were doing in the central plaza of Earth central control in an old police box in the middle of an invasion?"

The Doctor widened his eyes, "Invasion?"

The president rolled his eyes, "Yes, where have you been man?"

"Well...here and there," the Doctor shrugged, "Now tell me more about this invasion..."

"Very well" Zereni touched a hidden control on the table and behind him an oil painting slid away, revealing a plasma screen. He turned to face the screen as did the others, "This is a news broadcast from the day it all started"

A LIVE NEWS BROADCAST

People of Earth, this news just in:

Two hours ago a fleet of extraterrestrial warships was detected over the Earth by the Pegasus 12 Satellite. Operators on Earth at first believed it to be a freak meteor storm but when the truth was finally realised they feared it may have been to late. However, the British and French Zones quickly mobilised their newly installed Orbital Defence systems. It seems this resistance was unexpected and the majority of the fleet was soon dealt with however it is believed that one of the alien ships survived and landed somewhere in the Canadian Zone. Soon after all contact was lost with bases operating in and around the Vancouver area.

An emergency summit of all World Leaders has been called in Rome. As yet we do not know if the loss in transmission has been definitely connected to the alien forces possibly at large but a number of jet fighters sent to scout the areas have also gone missing. The World Leaders do express that there is no need to panic but several major cities in Canada (Toronto included) have been evacuated. As yet, no one has returned from within a one hundred mile radius of Vancouver.
Worried Relatives have been told to call the emergency help line, the number for which is available in the major newspapers.

The screen reverted to show the World Government loo and Zereni moved to face his guests.

"Since then we have failed to get within fifty miles of Vancouver and as yet have not had any definite reports on the identity of the aliens"

"Hence why you were so naturally suspicious of us" the Doctor deduced,

"Quite" he leaned forwards, "Now Doctor, I have to think of a suitable punishment for you and your friends for your crimes"

"Well we're quite willing to help out with manual labour,” the Doctor said helpfully and Jamie and Victoria agreed. Zereni merely smiled at them.

"Our service robots do all the repair and maintenance work we need" the President informed them, "And as these are times of war I can think of a particularly apt sentence"

"Which is?" the Time Lord's eyes were bright and hopeful.

"Immediate call-up, to be sent out to the war zone on the next available transport plane" he smiled thinly, "I'm sure you'll do your best for President and Earth?"

"You can't do that" the Doctor blustered, "W-what about right of free speech?!"

"In the eyes of the law you are all criminals Doctor, you have no right of speech"

"Do I have to fight as well?" Victoria asked meekly. President Zereni swung around and eyed her thinly.

"Your gender fought for gender equality for some time Miss Waterfield. If that means you get equal pay, it also means you get to be shot at" he addressed them all, "I will send guards to collect you and take you to the airfield straight away" he left the room.

"Well I didn't vote for him," Victoria mumbled.

President Zereni watched as the Doctor and his companions were ushered out of his office, as they came to the doors a loud bleeping came from the comm. System and Zereni's desk. Zereni pressed a button and the in built viewer in his desk showed an image of Captain Hogle.
"Yes Captain,"

"Sir, we have just received a signal from Vancouver!" Hogle announced.

"The Aliens?" Zereni enquired.

"Yes sir, it would appear they have sent us a message..." Hogle sounded very pessimistic.

"Excellent, have it-"

Zereni was cut off, "Its no ordinary message sir…A missile has been launched at Rome..."

Zereni looked terrified, "But that’s where the world leaders are meeting at this very moment..."

Hogle nodded, "Yes sir..."