h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Mike!

I'm back again and (wishful thinking here) better than ever! I'll be hanging around a bit to see if anyone posts here any more.

I've been awfully busy, and things are pretty rotten... But that, obviously, consisting of complaints as it does, is a long story.

I'll see you about, m'Lord.

Marian

Ah, Leuitenant Lady Commander Marian von Wer, tis good to see (?) you once more.

h2g2 does seem a little devoid of people of late. Still, some of us are still here.

Speak to you again soon.

P.S. My email's down at the moment due to a problem with BT's line, so if you want to contact me about Season 30 then you'll have to do it through here or through ezboard.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Lord Mike and Lady Marian look around nervously. Nervously- the oddly named guest star frowns and taps his foot in irritation as the two look over him.)

Lady Marian: Why are we looking at this man?

Lord Mike: I don't know but there's someone here I'd rather be looking at- if you know what I mean!!!

Lady Marian: Well tough luck I haven't got a mirror!

Lord Mike: Oh.... Well there's always...

Lady Marian: Don't think about it.

Lord Mike: I wouldn't dare- that film gave me nightmares last time. Why are we talking in script form?

Lady Marian: Because this is a scene isn't it? We must be in a new Mike Mills adventure!

Lord Mike: Really? Gosh! Um... Hang on- why didn't anyone tell me? Shouldn't I be writing it instead of the mystery writer who enigmaticy knows no bounds... Bright Purple Iguanas- I am writing it!

Lady Marian: Then why are you not appearing enigmatically from behind a teapot?

Lord Mike: Um... Well- quite simply there isn't a teapot here- so it's a mysterious invisible teapot that I've mysterious appeared from!

Lady Marian: Who could argue with that logic?

Unknown figure: WE COULD.

Lord Mike: Hey- that's not fair- not only does this person have unknown and is thus more mysterious then me but speaks in Capital lettering.

Lady Marian: Who are you and why did you say "we" when there's only one of you.

Unknown Figure: WE ARE MANY.

Lord Mike: Like Constables- plenty around but not enough to make much of an enemy!

Lady Marian: Constables? You haven't declared battle on the law?

Lord Mike: Not yet but I will have to get my cane back- offensive weapon my eye- well that's what the Constable said as he rubbed his eye.

Lady Marian: Oh yes- I wondered what was missing. I thought you'd had a haircut or something?

Lord Mike: Me- a haircut? Never would I resort to that- I'm still a deadringer to Paul McGann you know! Speaking of which we must find out who crushed the three bell ringers with a lead rus and half a tonne of kippers.

Unknown Figure: CEASE TALKING.

Lady Marian: At last some sense.

Lord Mike: This must be me writing Lady Marian- see how enigmatic this fellow acts.

Lady Marian: Yes and buzzing drawn out tone definitely clinches it.

Unknown Figure: WE ARE ELECTROMEN. YOU HAVE BEEN POINTED OUT TO US AS A THREAT TO OUR RACE. YOU ARE PATHETIC AND WILL BE RECYCLED INTO OUR RACE. RESISTANCE DE-NIED.

Lady Marian: At last some sense to this story. Well go on, take him away and at last I can be the star of the show!

Lord Mike: Over my dead body!

Lady Marian: I believe that's their point Lord Mike.

Lord Mike: This doesn't make sense at all- alien cyborgs cunningly evading copyright with buzzing voices, foil wrapping and a walkman strapped to the chest attacking me for no profound reason?

Lady Marian: Yep- this is definitely one of your stories!

Lord Mike: If only I had my cane here- but I don't. Hey Marian you have your magic parasol here- couldn't you?

Lady Marian: No this is my electronic parasol and no I don't get it up for everyone you know.

Lord Mike: Ha ha ha- that sounded a bit...

(The Electroman clobbers him producing a dull clang.)

Lord Mike: No, rude! The Censors will probably put us on hiatus, remember when James came to the party?

Lady Marian: He didn't come to the party- you brought him with that banana of his! Poor Chairwoman of the Boards...

Lord Mike: Yes... an allegy to Bananas and typical that James wanted to show everyone his banana. How many months did they put on hiatus?

Lady Marian: They still are, how's Nibbles these days?

Lord Mike: Sir Lance tells me he's too fat and keeps hissing, later I asked about Nibbles and he said that Nibbles has gone on the run.

Lady Marian: Oh no!

Lord Mike: Yes- he might be an otter but even he has a chance of winning the London marathon.

Electroman: YOU WILL COME WITYH ME.

Lady Marian: Hey you just slipped up with the word "with"- if you're a so-called supreme machine-based cyborg then you can't make mistakes- stands to reason. This isn't a Mike Mills adventure- the script hasn't got an typos, Lord Mike hasn't got his cane and Sir Lance is hissing- And where's the Narrator in all of this?

(As if on cue- Strange, not playing any snooker the writer appears.)

Writer: Well now this is interesting, what do you three want?

Electroman: To convert Lord Mike into our ranks.

Lord Mike: I want my cane back!

Lady Marian: To know who you are.

Writer: Ah- well now interesting questions. Electroman your place in this story serves no further purpose, go back into the shadows of elusiveness.

Lord Mike: Are you me? I'm enigmatic, elusive and very mysterious.

Writer: And without a narrator or a cane in sight. No I'm not you. I have crafted this plain of existence into being. And thus I finally can get my revenge.

Lord Mike: Have you been waiting long for it? Board mail is very hard to come by these days.

Lady Marian: Revenge? Who are you?

Writer: I am the Great Writer and this is my realm of fiction and you two have been spikes in my side for a long time!

Lord Mike: Oh- it's a dream.

Lady Marian: How'd you work that one out?

Lord Mike: Spikes in his side, the surreal atmosphere- he's fallen asleep during acupuncture.

Writer: No you fools! My bitterest enemies- always with a jaunty line or a quick blast of your cane's gadgets- well not now, I am in control and you Will fall this time!

Lady Marian: But who are you?

Writer: I am The Writer, from the pen of Richard H.

Lady Marian: You!

Writer: Me.

Lord Mike: Um... He!

Lady Marian: Precisely... that you- the Writer are Master Richard! Also known as Tempus!

Writer: I've gone up in the world since our last encounter. I control this realm and I have captured you two perfectly, you are bound to this realm and I am the only one who can leave it. So to unveil my Master Plan before I tire with this place... A fannish storyline in which you both fight off ALL of your enemies singlehandedly- yes I going to take away one of your hands!

Lord Mike: You monster! Now how am I going to scratch my nose?

Lady Marian: With your other hand- fool!

Writer: Now then... Goodbye- you cannot stop me for this is already the end... I grow weary of this story and so I leave you at the mercy of Lord Ike, Stefan Fjord, Llance Buoyliss, Lady Marion, Latex coated Sparrow, Stainless Steel Rat, Otto, Emperor Martin, the Teacher and James Lindsay!

Lord Mike: Noooooooo Not James and his banana!

Lady Marian: You'll never get away with this- I'll stop you!

Writer: A challenge? Fiction versus factual- interesting, I am the Writer here. I always win- my Characters never rebel!

Lady Marian: Well I do. Heyy, he's gone!

Lord Mike: And it looks like you have Heyyy fever? Oh no.. now Oi'm doin it. The friend! I mean fiend!

Lady Marian: We have to fight him. Come on Bored Mike stand up!

Bored Mike: I can't, I don't feel like it. What's on the telly? Nowt- Cor Blimey this ain't not so good guvnor!

Lady Marian: Lord Mike? Lord Mike!

Bored Mike: Quiet Madarm or else you scare the purple igunanas- they only jus got some sleep. Cor Blimey strike a loight Guvnor Sir.

Lady Marian: No.. No this can't be the end!

(Suddenly all of said enemies appear!)

Jason: On...

SSR: the...

Lord Ike: contrary...

The Teacher: it...

Latex coated Sparrow: is!

Lindsay: BANANA!

(They all look at him before advancing on them slowly...)

(Just then the TV screen goes dark and a Chairwoman turns like the inquisitor from the screen towards a dark robed figure.)

Chairwoman: It shows great promise.

Writer: Thank you Madame Chairwoman-President. What format are you looking at?

Chairwoman: I think 50 episodes- as long as they always fail we can keep it on the air.

Writer: It will be done Chairwoman-President Pamela.

Chairwoman: Good- so shall we see what's on the other channel? See what else we can use, have you got your notepad ready?

(The Writer nods and as they turn back to the screen, he grins as it comes alive with a familiar opening music.... Dum de dum, Dum de Dum, Dum de Dum...

Hello Mike! Good to see you again! Sorry I never replied to you: I haven't had much time on the computer of late.

Ah, so your e-mail's down. I wondered why I hadn't gotten anything from you. I did want to know, when do you think you'll be needing my story? I'd just like to have something of a deadline for my own information. Hope your mail gets back up soon. It's really awful when it goes down, isn't it?

I'll be seeing you around, Mike. Keep in touch, and all that.

Marian

Ah, well, there's a problem there you see; there's been a delay with the second part of Martin's story and I'm not sure when he'll be getting the rest up.

Sorry

Oh no, quite all right! I can use the time, frankly. Tell Martin I wish him luck with his story if you see him soon.

And what's the progress with the Penny & Mills one coming up? Is that one all done already?

I'm looking forward to seeing the stories coming up, and I'll keep working on mine as well.

Thanks for the info, Mike, and I'll see you soon.

Marian

No, the Penny & Mills one isn't done yet. We'll probably do it how we normally do them, which is to plan out what happens first and then write it 'live' as it were, one post at a time alternating between me and him.

Incidentally, you can now email me at [email protected]