h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

At this time of year, it's good to remind ourselves that not all associate the Easter Bunny with fun and frivolity. Some less fortunate children see it as merely one more lonely day in endless eons of boredom. Melodramatic little buggers that they are. The following is a cautionary tale for those that see Easter as a time for selfish gluttony rather than a day for family and loved ones to come together and worship the god of cocoa, or alternatively that guy that did the thing with the water and wine and Rolling Rock and stuff.

Twas the morning of Easter and, all through the house, not a creature was stirring, because they had all stayed up late the night before to watch Life of Brian on video. At the stroke of 10am, one sad little girl roused herself from a fitful slumber, wild with the anticipation of the plethora of heavenly egg-shaped chocolate goodies packaged in such a way that they look like they might actually have greater mass than your average 30p Dairy Milk. She bounded down the stairs taking in great gasps of air, so as to ascertain the whereabouts of the snackage, and burst into the sitting room, her eyes darting every which way but north in search of her one true love. She found nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Right - she thought, taking umbrage at the complete incompetence of her parents - I'm taking this to the mattresses. So she bounded back up the stairs, stomping for dramatic effect, and burst into her parents bedroom:

'Gonnae git up an' gies ma eggs?'

Her lazy, no-good, stinking father yawned, looking more than a little confused:

'Eh? Ummmmmm, we're hivvin wan a' them egg-hunts this year. Yer eggs are in a cupboard somewhere in the hoose and you've goat tae fin' them.'

The little girl, knowing her father's wily ways, replied:

'Aye, right.'

Nevertheless, she set off on the hunt, armed with one clue, 'Thir in a Woolie's bag'...

did you find them then?

I'm afraid you'll have to wait for part zwei, which should arrive before next weekend. I was bored, okay?

Tell me now or i'll kick you.. im in a really bad mood

Okay! I found them, but I'll dress it up and make it even less interesting next week anyway.

Why the bad mood?

have a look at my journal

Now I'm in a stinker of a mood.

I just spent every last penny I had on food for the next week, most of which _has_ to be cooked in the oven, and my oven's decided to stop working. Here's to a week of starvation and trying to shove chicken fillets in the toaster. F**kity, f**k, f**k. And I've got to feed the toyboy for the weekend!

Yer nutter! Yer ovens packed up!? Huggster knows how to USE a cooker!?

Just kiddin bab! So tell me more bout this toyboy

is it just the oven or the whole cooker? you can get away with grilling most stuff..

Oops, did I say toyboy? Nah, he's only four years younger, I've known him for about ten years and I used to babysit him...thought I'd better mention that before Sandra did.

Everything except the light has packed in, maybe I could cook really slowly with the heat of the lightbulb?

damn.. do you have a microwave?
i wouldn've said a thing about your pervy cradle snatching ways

Huggster you old tart

Thats wicked, grooming the poor lad like that, tricking him into feeling safe like that...Leading him to think he's safe and then you pounce!! Terrible behaviour

Fair play to ya bab! Ya did good there matey!! Nice one!! Yer old tart

you could always use a make shift BBQ made out of tea light and a grill pan!!!

Hey Hey Colonel...


Where you hiding?

Oi lil huggy one

When do we get the follow up on this? You said there was one, and its AAAGES after easter now

Part Two - Journey to the Centre of the Cupboard.

She rocketed down the stairs, barged head-first through the cupboard door and devoured the eggs in the style of Jack Nicholson after a weekend at a health farm.

The End.

is that it?

not a best seller me thinks




HIYA Hugster

Well, I'll admit the plot thins a little towards the end. But if you send me a fiver I'll pad it out.

Guten tag, Sootynuts!

A fiver? feck off! how about an empty wallet n a library card some daft weegie bint left here?