Created in ancient times as a career for unemployed sheep, panic is a common and useful condition much
employed by all creatures in this good modern world. Comprising raised heart rate, pale and sweaty skin, wide eyes and
disconnection of the brain from the mouth, panic afllicts a wide range of people across the whole gamut of social classes.
Students seek panic by spending their time in the unio rather than the library near exam time. Politicians achieve it by
making rash statements of policy in the run-up to elections. Doctors discover it when they take on particularly inventive
patients and parents succumb when they realise that they didn't listen to their own parents and thus have no idea how to control
their own offspring.
People in the grip of a good panic find themselves spiralling into a deep inescapable pit of rash decisions, unhelpful comments
and threatening bowel rumblings. Panics may last between a few seconds and an entire lifetime and cannot be cured, though
they eventually recede when they judge for themselves that they have run their course. Prevention can be sought by the
careful application of views of the countryside and nice grassy fields. Ineffectual remedies include excessive activity
to try and distract the mind from the panic, going to sleep, taking a bath, finding someone to say, "there there, it'll all be
allright" and doing absolutely nothing in the hope that it goes away or turns out to be a dream. Historical panickers include
Charles I, the Emperor Nero, Richard Nixon and General Custer. Panic is rarely fatal but can often lead to unsightly messes
in the streets beside the high-rise buildings of financial institutions.