Fast Food Outlet user manual

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Congratulations on your decision to purchase your meal from a fast
food outlet. Your fast food outlet will provide you with unparalleled
levels of customer satisfaction.

Before opening the door to your fast food restaurant, check that you
have the following

  1. Mild to moderate hunger
  2. Money
  3. No calorie controlled diet

Also check that your chosen fast food outlet is within it's sell-by
date by checking the current time against the displayed 'opening hours'
as displayed on the outside of the outlet. Failure to observe this
rule may result in prosecution for trespass or damage if you attempt
to open the outlet outside these times.

Some models of fast food outlets require certain safety precautions to
be taken before opening the door. These precautions are stated clearly
on the fast food outlet's exterior and may include:

  1. Protective clothing ('Shirts must be worn on the premises')
  2. Special footwear ('No roller-skating')
  3. Specific requirements for protective headgear ('No crash helmets')

Upon entering the outlet, you should carefully look around for dangerous
obstacles, such as children, furniture, and in particular 'wet floor'
signs. IMPORTANT: These signs are not instructions.

Locate the service area of the outlet and examine the menu presented on
the ceiling behind this area. It should be illuminated in all but one
area, as european law requires atleast one panel to be equipped with
defective lights at all times to provide employment for workers in the
european lightbulb replacement industry.

At this time you will be harassed by several attendants all wishing to
take your order. Many of these attendants will be wearing id-badges.
No useful information is carried on these badges - continue to study
the menu.

After you have spent some time analysing the menu, attempt to attract
one of the attendants who were, only minutes ago, giving you the full
benefit of their attention. This is the hardest part of the fast food
outlet user procedure.

When you have attracted their attention, state your order, clearly, and
slowly. For example: 'Double burger, large fries, and orange juice'.

When asked if you would like fries with that, do not waste time replaying
your previous request in your head, and just answer 'yes'. The full
script is laid out below.
It is worth memorising this dialogue in advance to avoid looking silly
infront of your peers



Example:
  1. You: "Double burger, large fries and an orange juice"
  2. Assistant: "Double burger, OK. Would you like fries with that?"
  3. You: "Yes"
  4. Assistant: "Would you like a drink with that too?"
  5. You: "Yes, Orange Juice"
  6. Assistant: "Ok, what kind of drink would you like?"
  7. You: "Orange Juice"

The attendant will then ask you for an amount of money. This amount will
probably bear no relation to what you ordered. Fumble for your change,
and then give the attendant a twenty pound note. This will cause
sufficient delay while the outlet finds you some change for your order to
cool down to ambient room temperature.

When your order is ready, take your change and tray to a vacant table,
and proceed to dissect your burger. Remove the excess limp lettuce,
tomato, and mysterious green things from the top of your burger and
proceed to eat. New users may find this experience disturbing, but
you will soon get used to it.

Remember to guard your tray until you have finished all the food you plan
to eat, to avoid the overzealous attendants who delight in cleaning your
table while you are still using it.

When you are finished, tip your tray into one of the self-service
disposal chutes around the outlet, placing the empty tray on top of
the chute. Do not drop the tray into the chute. As with the food,
the trays are recycled and reused for future customers.

Take the same care when leaving the fast food outlet as you did when
you arrived. When you are safely outside, immediately forget your
experiences, and go and have lunch.

One final point; ignore 'Customer Comment' cards. As with programming
languages, all comments are ignored.


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