Building...
Created | Updated Feb 27, 2003
Building bridges: a good thing to do in every sense of the phrase, but what about walls? Because I have come to realise that mose of my life has been spent constructing walls.
I only realised it recently, but it's something, I recognise now, that I've been doing for as long as I remember. Why? I suppose because, unconsciously, I came to realise that so much about my life is unusual that the easiest way to deal with it was to block it out and pretend it wasn't there. I suppose that's still true, which is why despite my determination to break down the walls, I am still building new ones.
It's easy once you've started. It seems the naturatl way to go. In fact I never remember finding it dfficult; because the action is not too hard, it's the knock on effects that are hard.
Sure, I've avoided teasing, but I've also denied myself so much. I don't know how to join in the discussions about family life or feelings. The sealing up is automatic not. I know this impacts on my friends who think I don't want to let them into my life, but the more they query and quiz, the more difficult it is to speak. You don't know how much I want to talk, and I don't know how to do it.
I only realised it recently, but it's something, I recognise now, that I've been doing for as long as I remember. Why? I suppose because, unconsciously, I came to realise that so much about my life is unusual that the easiest way to deal with it was to block it out and pretend it wasn't there. I suppose that's still true, which is why despite my determination to break down the walls, I am still building new ones.
It's easy once you've started. It seems the naturatl way to go. In fact I never remember finding it dfficult; because the action is not too hard, it's the knock on effects that are hard.
Sure, I've avoided teasing, but I've also denied myself so much. I don't know how to join in the discussions about family life or feelings. The sealing up is automatic not. I know this impacts on my friends who think I don't want to let them into my life, but the more they query and quiz, the more difficult it is to speak. You don't know how much I want to talk, and I don't know how to do it.
