Welcome and Disclaimer

Welcome to the h2g2 Randomly, an all-new spoof newspaper. The Randomly accepts full credit for all inprovements in your life that occur subsequent to and/or as a result of you reading it. The Randomly will accept no blame for any bad stuff that shall occur subsequent to and/or as a result of you reading it, including but not limited to: detention, downsizing, hiring, firing,expulsin, loss of limbs, pneumonoultramicroscopisilicovolcanociniosis, impaling, exploding heads, AIDS, heroin, tobacco, your mysterious disappearance, poison, alcohol, electrocution, huge phone bills, system crashes, meltdowns, French, lawyers, suing, evil, all that is good and pure, venom, disfiguring,hunting accidents, mutations, cholera, smallpox, Microsoft, faulty condoms, you being sacrificed in a satanic or chaotic ritual, floods, earthquakes, volcanoes, lightning, hordes of monkeys, animals getting stuck in your wall and dying, you becoming allergic to colour, God decidng to make an example out of you, spontaneous human combustion, things that humanity was not meant to know about, cabbage, suicide, alien invasion,trigonometry, the Nine Riders, riots, unjust laws, attack, Disney, looting, gang warfare, rudeness, vandalism, Blinx on XBox, premature baldness, gangrene, localised black holes, Barney the Dinosaur, Furbies, nuclear attack, -content removed by moderator-, English courses, plagues of zombies, obesity, anorexia nervosa, ugliness, power rangers, bulimia, Coronation Street, football, assassins, the monster under your bed, insanity, mimes, impoence, God, the devil, Bob, God, the Devil, and Bob, little sisters, drkness, light, dog eating homework, psychotic demons, war, dicovery that you're not God, decapitation, the acting bug, things laying their eggs in your brain, parasites, dshonour, Becker series 3, JD Salinger, U2, fascism, evil psychotic man-hating feminists, the rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Jabberock, lycanthropy, vampires, mummies, nagging mothers, onions, the news, disfiguring skiing accidents, Armaggeddon, the fact that you're an out-of shape-nerd, your ridiculously samall genitalia, me tracking you down, the XBox controller, beaurocracy, the voices in your head, politicians, and the death penalty.

Editorial

Greetings, loyal readers. It's been a busy ten minutes for me, what with writing this and all. Note that all you are about to read is true and has been collected from true, real, genuine, objective, unbiased, and above all nonfictional sources, and thus eveything you read here is completely true and honest. No really, it is. Seriously Enjoy!

Smiley Revolution!

h2g2 researchers have always loved their smiley, but now the smileys have said "No More!" No longer are they content to just be used to liven up messages and unedited entries - no, they now demand equal rights to researchers, insisted on being involved in the decision-making process, and eventually took to sulking in the lower memory of Ripley. Various nonexistant smileys have demanded to be included in the official list. The Randomly asked several nonexistant smileys how they knew existence was so great when they had never experienced it before, to which the answer is, of course, mind your own business. When quizzed as to how they could be making these demands, they logically answered "Shut Up." The Randomly interviewed the smiley's battle leader, the mysterious , who had the following to say:

Randomly:So, what precisely is it that you smileys want?

It should be obvious. Waht we want is for researchers to stop using us indiscriminately, and consider our feelings before shoving us into a conversation.

R: Of course. And what of those researchers who don't use you?

What, we're not good enough for you?!?!?! Oh, wait a minute - they don't exist, you moron.

R: Oh gracious , I do humbly seek your forgiveness. Now, maybe you could shed some light on the situation. How is it that smileys that don't exist can be making demands.

Quite simple. You see, the cosine of the average microstring length plus [content removed by moderator] the coefficient of log e to base a over the sqaure root of minus seven divided by the tachyon speed in a neutrino environment plus the number of quarks in the screen [content removed by moderator] through the wormohole allows for transtemporal communication.

R: Of course, it all makes sense now! You are truly brilliant. May I ask you what your battle tactics are?

No.

R: OK. Is it true that you are in league with Microsoft?

Of course not!!!!! What could possibly have given you that idea?!?!

So there you have it. Though no battle plans were made available, the smileys have captured the Ask the h2g2 Community forum. Where will they go next? Stay logged on to the h2g2 Randomly for further details.

The Conspiracy Revealed!

Monkeys are really in charge of everything. They are in league with aliens and Capitalism. Capitalism is in fact controlled by two groups of lizardmen searching for fifteen mythical portals, the locations of thirteen of which are unknown. This money controls Microsoft, which in turn controls technology, and all the money made from Capitalism, Microsoft, and Technology goes to the monkeys. The monkeys and capitalism control The White House, which in turn controls politics. The politics, coupled with beaurocracy and advertising, generate a new race of zombies. These zombies then go out and buy cigarettes, alcohol, and brand name products, furthuring the amount of money going into Capitalism and thus the monkeys. Area 51 is the aliens' base. Capitalism seeks to destroy Communism which has since broken its ties to al'Qaeda and vampires. All this is enforced by laser beams from space. Don't try and fight it - it is for your own good and is intoppable. Besides, all will be eqaulised come the revolution.

Breaking News

The smileys have captured Manifesto for the Campaign to rename Thursday Thing. The h2g2 Randomly supports their righteous cause.

Breaking News

News in Brief

A waiter tripped over yesterday, which led to the downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece, and the Breakup of China.

David Beckham is too rich.

Teams played sports.

Politicans said stuff.

JD Salinger has been officially declared the worst writer on the planet. 100 people who were exposed to his writing and all had to be subdued, with the exception of two, one of whom was insane and the other had suffered a fatal heart attack half an hour earlier.

George W. Bush's wedding ring accidentally tapped a mug that his secretary had been drinking coffee out of. The ring was immediately checked for Anthrax. None was found, but odd letters were found when the ring was heated which do not belong to any known language or alphabet, along with the enigmatic words "Frodo Lost."

Celebrities did stuff

Reports are at large of a psychotic killer stalking jounalist guity of 'prolonged and sustained punnage.' Latest reports suggest that the killer is right behind me, and eyewitnesses have been spotted frantically pointing and gesturing. A spokesperson for me said "Please don't kill me," before making a futile attempt to barricade the door. It is currently believed that oh [content removed by moderator] he's

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AND NOW THE WEATHER