My Dark Hole
Created | Updated Mar 5, 2005
This is a page purely for me to remember my nature to remind me and guide me from the past...
Who Watches the Watcher?
I'm tired, sick, tired and fed up, when my friends have problems who tries to help who listens? Who gives an opinion and usually has it ignored to be validated? When ive problems which of them cares to listen? (Btw im talking Rl) Why am i told: not now, ive my own things to think about, stop whining, stop being so sad, stop being depressing? Im sorry that im a depressing person, im sorry im not happy, happy, joy, joy all the time, im sorry i cant apparently be a true goth cause i havent read the right stuff, dont get as emotional about some things which i apparently should, im sorry that im not the right build, that things i find gorgeous i cant have because im not an anorexic stick, that i dont have the money all the time, im sorry if i seem self absorbed but what can i do if people wont try, im sorry if my humour isnt appropriate, but its the way ive learned to survive, bitterness and cynicism, im sorry i find it easier to talk to people, im sorry if i break certain rules, apparent taboos by actually asking someone something to actually try and get to know some people rather than just say hi or wait to be talked to. I'm sorry my opinions probably arent what people want to hear because as well as being a romantic, im a pragmatist and realist, no they dont necessarily work all at once, im sorry if im always at places, but i have as much right to be there, im sorry if i appear as some sort of mindless being following around im sorry that my opinions are biased, im sorry i dont know who i am, im sorry that in trying to find out i make mistakes, im sorry that at times my words are ill placed and used, that i can so easily be misunderstood, im sorry im overwhealmed by my continued existence and that blow after blow after blow is served out to me yet i do not yelp, that i do not cry for help because no one will come, no one can fend it off, that when i try to explain no one tries to listen, that an online journal can be my sanctuary, im sorry,
i want unconciousness
i want that warmth
i want that hazyness
i want the intangeable as always
im doing what i hate, im appologising for my emotions, im appologising for my confusion for being too close and yet being shoved further and further away, im sorry, im sorry,im so sorry, im sorry im not good, im sorry that i try so hard and fail, im sorry that at the wrong moment ill do something to hurt my friends, ill say the wrong things, ill lash out and someone will be hurt, i cant help it, im too big i should be able to control myself, im sorry im clumsy, im sorry im always in the way, if i cant make you happy im so sorry, i try i really try, i try so hard so so hard im sorry my faith is not strong in practice but is in heart, im sorry im not a happy clappy christian im sorry im not willing to condem people for their beliefs or sexuality, that im not certain about things, that so much doctrine is made up and means so little, that sectarianism results, that for saying what im saying this journal may be removed. im sorry if im an emotional screw up, that i have to check before i do things, im sorry im so weak, im so so sorry, i cant help it, how can i help people if i cant help myself? why am i doing this? why always why? im sorry for all of you that you have my aquantence or friendship, i love you, im not good at showing it, im sorry if a cuddle isnt appropriate, or that i irritate people by springing them on people, if i havent an answer, im sorry, but if i can help i can but try and im sorry if a cuddle simply isnt good enough. i have alot to give i just dont know what it is, im waiting and hoping but what chance have i of realising before it is too late? itll always be too late...
Give it me...
something to take away
something so i wont stay,
a chance to break from what i am
a chance to be a different man
id try id really try
id not die id not cry
id let you
i bet you wont
ive met your kind
you'r all alike
but it doesnt matter
it doesnt matter
no it doesnt matter any more to me
any more
any more
any more
no it doesnt matter any more
you've broke
you've stolen
that link
the things that once made
me think
are gone...
A Black Heart ii
I want a black heart so i can no longer feel,
I need a black heart so i can heal,
I need to heal, to disreagard my sin,
I need to seal all that was within.
I want a black heart so i can no longer feel,
I need a black heart so i can heal,
I need my heart to be as a black wilted rose,
no longer a sweet passionate sent to my nose.
I need a black heart so i can no longer feel,
I need a black heart so i can heal,
I need to make my world real,
i need to lose how i feel,
i need to find a state of mind,
i need to be with my kind,
i need to be understood,
i need to stem the flood
of tears welling inside
of a dampness that corrupts this hide,
can it be found in my blood...
can it be found inside my mind...
can it be found in my heart..
can it be found in any part or place,
realm within this tortured soul?
She loves a puppet
Songs from UP by REM
Lotus
hey hey.
I was Hell.
sarcastic silver swell.
that day it rained
tough spun. hard won. no
ocean flower aquarium
badlands. give a hand.
honey dipt. flim flam
hey hey. hey hey.
that cat can walk like a big bad man.
so happy to show us
I ate the lotus.
say haven't you noticed?
I ate the lotus
storefront window, I reflect.
just last week I was merely heck
tip the scale. I was hell
picked me up, then I fell.
who's this stranger? crowbar spine
...and I feel fine.
let it rain, rain, rain
bring my happy back again.
so happy to show us
I ate the lotus.
say haven't you noticed?
I ate the lotus
let it rain, rain, rain
save me from myself again
wash a way my ugly sins
opposing thumb, dorsal fin
that monkey died for my grin
bring my happy back again
let it rain, rain, rain
bring my happy back again
so happy to show us
I ate the lotus.
say haven't you noticed?
I ate the lotus
I ate the lotus
I ate the lotus
Hope and the Appologist, Sad professor and walk unafraid
these are how i feel...
You don't care about us...
there can no longer be this part of me
it must go, i must lose it as i lose all things dearest to me,
i cut it off now, i hang it by its tattered threads of existence, till they will fastly fade and it will drop to the floor and splatter the intestines of what was once good, now cancerous sickly and bloated. We will die it will die you are no longer part of me, i cremate your body in the cold fire of my soul, my heart echoes desolately with the sound of the fall...
My Carcus
slowly it sat, knawing away, my leg now blotched, swollen and hockpocked, the bacteria multiplying exponentially within, the maggots slowly moving, sliding over one another as they migrated up through my flesh, the blood cold and drained, the flesh bloated festering and decomposing, the insects starting to burrow deeper into my remains, gradually they moved up digesting the pool of my remains, breaking it down, slowly creating energy by which they might live, not that i need it anymore, i am gone and so is that within me which deserved so much better, you see i have failed you all, and so have i been failed, i could not protect myself, it was inevitable inertia can only last so long and then the body breaks down, things stop working, thoughts become hazy consciousness and unconsciousness merge, the body relaxes and so loses control, muscles stop working and so it finishes...
do not mourn for me i can not hear,
do not cry your time shall come,
one day may we be together again,
but if not, what is done is done
goodbye friend you messed up again,
your stinking soul back to from whence it came,
you wont find me,
ill become one with a tree,
as my body parts decompose,
the soil and nutrients sustaining something far nobeler, far better and more worthwhile than i...
my soul it flickers like a moth to candle light, closer and closer further and further, finally it soars into the sky alight the candle having moved too fast, set it alight and destroyed its once fine form
frinds will be friends will be friends when you are wanted, not when they are needed and so, guilty am i of it all, add it too my sins, so the list increases the burden ever more, my frail body can sustain itself no longer, soon i shall be a carcus stripped of what i once was, rborn back to energy from whence i came, the word required a voice, the voice required an energy and so we came and so we destroyed ourselves, so we destroy ourself...
there is darkness in me so black, that whiteness, goodness seems unachievable, heaven will never be mine no matter how hard i try and so to the other i remain, daily my burdens and tortures increase this hell called life tormenting me ever more...
perhaps it is time for the curtain call, tonight shall i fly shall i soar, shall i roar becoming one with the tides, one with the soil, one with the air? Shallv i get caught up in someone's hair, who knows what will happen to me? who knows what fate bestows upon us, who can try who can dictate? My life is not my own and so it shall never be, i will remain under my tree, it shall sprout and pronounce that once there was a boy no man, once there was a song, no singer, once there was a reader but no writers and once ears could be heard and nothing ever said
im not mad but i am me i can only be what i am told not what i want to be, my decisions are others, it is laid out, a script to a play that one shall see, they willlaugh at the wrong moments, find joy in the sorrow, pity in the laughter, cry when all is joyful, for this one is director, writer and audience the stringpuller, the set master and prop provider. i can never have been less than what i am, but Oh i could have been so much more...
Frustration
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Its what you wanted me to have
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Its what you gave me
Loneliness...
Loneliness
How much do you really need me?
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Perhaps its harder for me to cope with than youd ever
have thought
Loneliness...
Loneliness
You hurt me far to much
Loneliness...
Loneliness
You are getting what you wanted
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Cant take away the pain like that
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Time awaits
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Fear protects you
Loneliness
Loneliness
Perceived love blinds you
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Can happiness be bought?
Loneliness...
Loneliness
By three powerful words
Loneliness...
Loneliness
You have abused it
Loneliness...
Loneliness
This may be your reward
Loneliness...
Loneliness
This is my punishment
Loneliness...
Loneliness
I dont think it can be brought back...
I hate my life
i hate myself for thinking i ever had a chance
i hate her for thinking her weekend was any worse than mine
i hate myself for hoping the impossible
i hate myself that although she feels the same my friendship is more valuable
i hate that i sound so despertate and that anything i say can be seen as someone bouncing off the rebound but i truely believe i love her...
i hate my life...
give it someone else
i cant take this anymore please relieve me from my pain, take my sin and punish me by it, but by all means end my life...please
Ive found it again...God Help Me please...
Ive found myself in the loneliest place again. I dont want to go back to that anymore, i want to move on, i cant bear it anymore, ive suffered enough why wont they let me go? why wont they? <cry> i try so hard i get up, i get on, i do things i help others yet im backed up by no one. i dont want to go back to it, i thought id escaped it, i dont want to be that close to it again, i dont want to embrace it like a long lost love, i dont want it to sneak up on me and jump me from the shadows. ive moved them away again, ill be ok, the door is unlocked and they can come if i need them...but would they? why bother? its just one less thing to get them down...they deal with it the way they want, they never listen to me, they never notice...they dont really need me, my troubles are not their cares, yet theirs becomes my burden, i sat amoungst them and none of them noticed, none cared, they are too bothered with their own self enduced dilemas, but what about mine that arent self enduced or deserved? I dont deserve this...yet ive been taking it all my life...a skinny wretch is fine to be sad, fine to mourn fine to do what they want, they dont have to conform even when trying not to, they can hide in the daylight yet wretches like me are forced into the blinding sun to get sh*t on by all, we get hit and knocked, we get abused we go mad yet a sad clown is something funny to these people, i am not your clown, my life is my own, it isnt to be observed and laughed at, you cant bear it can you if we dont laugh when you do, if we stick out, if we try and do something far more interesting, less bland...but i dont want to go back to that place again...i dont want to go back in my shell i dont want the death or glory charge yet, i just want to be...i want to survive, to escape the inner island of loneliness in the crowd...i dont want to go back into myself...it nearly got me killed last time, i dont want that bitterness, that sarcasm, i dont want that pain, i can change my future, i dont want it to be a revolution back to the past though to do it...
it is gone
and so am i
dry that tear
do not cry
you will find me as i lie
engulfed in my state of mind
i will die a thousand times
before a word is spoken
a breath is taken
yet you shall never know
you never will care
and when i have told the truth
and when i have sold my soul
when i have laid all open for all to see
you shall find no good part of me
i am the one that was told of
i am the one you are scared of
i am simply one you can not save
i was lost from the start
i am your sinner and your saint
i am a newborn with a taint
a soul black a heart of glass
a broken mind another shall pass
pass me the blade and let it run deep
let the river run in the street
let the slumped body be consumed
as cars go past as stale fumes
engulf and wrap me protecting with their grime
that i shall not be here next time
a scream shall never utter forth
their lives shall run an uninterupted course
for once again it is plain for all to see
im just another modern teenage tragedy
of living in a world where right is wrong
the note shall be made the songs sung
the mourners few and far from young,
they will ask "another life well spent?"
to them i tell you "you never knew me"
"none ever saw my soul
none embraced that coal
black tarnished pitted face"
nothing to embrace without shrapnel of pain and spikes of sin
trying to escape the ticking time bomb within
i will be gone time is short
no it is too long
i can not wait my end will come
never after all is done
my life will flicker and fade,
my spining thread cut short and quick
the wind shall guide my path that night
the earth shall salute my slumped corpse
the water shall land on and be released from within
the fire shall consume my wretched life
the waste that was from start to end
in that hour i shall pass by you all my friends
my loved ones
the ones who will never know
i tried so hard
so hard to tell you
but you never had the time
and when it came it was never me you sought
i am not ashamed of that you see
ive accepted that none shall like the external me
the one i thought
i know the truth
she never would let me see her soul
she saw my truths and coped too well with those i could bear to tell
but i never learned to tell those i pursued for years,
i helped you with your relationships and am but a friend i cant ever be more can i? no.
So the place i have to go i can not face
i can no longer try and trace the parts of me i dared not touch
i found it and it scared me too much
my truth is cruel
my truth is hard to see by others external to me
the blackness is mine
i never shall escape but to haunt you
one last time you shall find my notes
and on the headstone let it be said
do not cry for this youth hes better off dead
the world was too painful for one such as he
born 1984 died...we shall see... <cry>
LIFE IN THE SEWERS OF SOCIETY
I found it hanging in the tree,
the rope attached below the knee,
there it swung
too and fro
there it hung
dangling far and low
the branch was thick
the body beaten
the face bruised and swollen
the stench was great
the soul long gone
the flesh was rotten beneath the skin
the punishment for his sin
it had begun the moment he had begun to hope
by the side of that smouldering fire and smoke
slowly it had risen to the sky
how his black heart had soared how it had flown
to be blown off course that fateful night
it had found another hanging in another tree
but she was hung not below the knee
she was hung from the neck
her mind had gone hence into heck
and so they dangle in their trees
swinging at various degrees
once they had swung so far and wide
that at 90 degrees
they were side by side
their ropes and bodies had entwined
the bond they had shared
though short and strong
could never have been long
for it was not meant to be
and so she swung to anothers tree
still they swing there no closer to side by side
im sorry dear she had once replied
i lied
it was all a laugh
it was such fun
but now i must be gone
i am decietful as you can see
i hang here from this tree
not from misfortune nor out place
for this beautiful face
is a warning to all men
of what shall befall them
if they trust
if they please
then so they shall find that they are crippled below the knees
the shall no longer run
there shall be no fun for these people i have hung
there shall be no laughter no songs sung
i lured them into my wood
i hid them
took care of their furious blood
i bid them come to me
so they did
so you fools can see,
you shall find all who come here in the trees
their blood drained
their faces flushed
the branches brushed
past when in a flurry of excite
they tried to escape their dire and fateful plight
their fate was sealed with this curse
of not knowing love from lust
and what is worse
they tried to tell themselves
the other one would do more wrong
be less fun
how foolish men are how they can be decieved by emotions new
situations far from real
fantasies were made for these
to shield men from their own thoughts
to disguise sin
to smother the voice within
that warned them of that fatal night
when moon was up
the air so still
truth was so beautiful
so real
but lies may be easier to disguise
when lust or love are in the eyes
so my bretheren so shall we hang until our bodies degrade
until we become parts of rock, air and soil
till rock is worn into sand,
till one day parts of us may stand
in the formation of new bodies of new souls
and so shall we repeatedly hang from the trees when once more
that decietful voice calls us by our names
my bretheren i warn you hurry with haste
run away from that so tempting place
or else you shall too become like me
so you shall hang in the trees
tied beneath the knees
a lesson must be learnt
a tale must be told
so the young of our kinfold
will be warned of the nature of man
that love may be lust and can be so hard to distinguish from the one
that before long it is too late the time has gone
do not my bretheren hang like me
do not go near that fatal psiren with her song
be fearful of what may become
when she is bored and time is long
bodies continue to hang from the trees
these great oaks of society
sulks
im fed up
im unappreciated as always
she cancelled on me
ok that makes it sound like something it isnt, i was just really looking forward to it
im trapped in hell
ive got to escape and my one hope for the day has been destroyed
i cant go back there
i cant do ought cause as soon as its done i have to go back there and its so lonely there
i want to weep all the time
im sure they are fed up of hugging me
its just one of the things that make me feel a little better
i don think any of them realise how lost i am
none of them even try to care
<cry><blue>
That night
the sky was cloudless
the alley was dark
the trees made no sound
the hedge freshly chopped
the bare bark stuck out in sharp splintered spikes
the dark figure slowly moved
he muttered as he moved
prayers crossed with long since forgotten psalms
songs of youth
sounds of the victor crying out over the bloodied battlefield
against the bitter darkness from which he had become one with
the dark coat flapped
the buckle catching the harshness of the neon glare as he passed soundlessly under the lamp
the blackness had engulfed him once more as he flickered in and out of their glare
the glasses glinted
the shoes began to rythmically step
the trousers smart and black crumpled and stretched crumpled and stretched with each step
they were moving towards him the figures in the dark their faces obscured by the neon halos
noisily they scurried forth drunkenly swaying
they jumped and scared the poor figure
involuntarily his arms lifted to fend them off
but these devils of the night
this earthly scum
these kevs and townies sharrons and all shrieked and howled with wicked laughter
what hope for these souls?
how he hated them
how he asked for their destruction
how he realised his hatred for this world and its inhabitants cruel of action of thought inhuman and without compassion
how he had not to hate them, to become one of them
how he must be above these creatures
and yet
how he wanted to grab them by the throat
how he wanted to force them to the ground applying pressure to their most effective marks
how he longed to wickidly warn them of their impending fate
how he wold take off his glove and reveal his tallons
how he would slowly apply pressure to the eyeballs till they burst squelching and bloody messy and the pain oh the pain
how they deserved it...
the others he would slowly gouge out opening the eyelids and placing his sharp nails under severing the optic nerves as he pulled them from their heads biting in he released their juics felt and tasted the iron as it trickled down his throat
holding the neck back
how he would apply his pressure to the torso
how he would tear into the necks with his teeth severing the vocal chords and tearing the windpipe
his vengence would be granted
he would have his revenge
how he would fly with their bodies to the tallest trees
and like the butcherbird
how he would impale them
how he would show his trophies
how he would warn the world
their time is coming
all will be judged...
slowly he passed down the alley ...
Nice guys always finish last
its time to serve my head up on a platter
ring the bells and let those juices splatter
on the floor for all to see
im no longer with the rest of me
its time to disclose truths unknown
its time for the seeds of destruction to be sown
i tried my best and as you can see
this hatred got the better of me
she spies my body on the floor
so she laughs
there is no more
for me to spill from my guts
from which huge ruts have been gouged with the knife
releasing all the nice,
the spice,
the lies im perceived to be
im alone now the crowd is gone
for once again another of nature's sons
has been broken
by words spoken
with malice and hate
they split his heart's guarding gate
and so my friends i serve my head
and so my friends i shall be dead
the part which is so easy to exploit
remembering the noose was so tight
the gas it came the head it rose
the chest expanded and froze
the eyes rolled
the tongue lolled
the saliva foamed
the heart it beated slower
the heart it heated no more
no longer the blood of life in the veins
all that is left is mans distain
mans jealousy and hate
of that great gift of God incarnate
man must die a fitting death
and so it is with a final breath
i say to you as men of deeds
of far better and worthier than my own
die old and frail in your graven bed
do not serve up your head on a platter
for all to see and abuse
for the petty minded to be amused
they will get their comupance on that fateful day
when they are struck down as babes in the hay
no matter how strong they may seem to be
their match will be made and revenge swiftly
distributed
just and kind
and so they will find
juged by their action words and thoughts
the thorns of their mortal life shall be
seeds of destruction sown of their own
not me...
These eyes
These eyes are swollen with tears
these eyes have regained their fears
the past has not yet gone
the time for rememberance has begun
these eyes have been dulled grey with pain
these eyes have felt the rain
these have felt that stinging burn
these have known the turns
the follies of heart body and mind
they have seen it all before it has begun
they have been impotent for what is done is done
these eyes can not hide the emotions that now brim inside
once they could
once they formed a steely silver
once they proved an impenitrable armour
but time has dulled them with experience past and yet to come
their surroundings are wrinkles fit for none
none so young as i should feel this pain
none should know the toxicity of the flame
of the heart which burns so wicked in its cage
which damages with its vengeful rage
burning all and preserving none
so etching into my brow are the canyons deep and narrow
the abyse of her heart shall forever be reflected in my face now
the mirror hides no shame all is visible
all the flames inside which were to become one
shall never more for anyone
i shall seal these in new cages
i shall gain new ways to fight the rage
i will die in the attempt
for after all it will be my time spent
locking them away for my life
keeping me away from strife
i shall fail in this as all will see
and then there shall be no more of me
frends may wonder at this events turn
but they have yet to know such a burn
they have no visible marks in the face there is simply no trace
a past may be hard
a victory even harder won
but we shall all fade
what is done is done...
she will tell me with her eyes
she will disguise her lies
and i shall love her for it evermore
for that tallent is mine nevermore
i cannot decieve
i cannot lie
life is forfeit
and the time is to die...
One more soul
One more soul to the fire
One more soul to the pyre
One more soul shall expire
the flames will rise higher and higher
One more soul to the fire
the child stands quietly with rapid moving eyes
One more soul to the pyre
she stares into the reddening sky
One more soul shall expire
a tear wells up at her eye lid
the flames will rise higher and higher
she knows that they need no longer be hid
One more soul to the fire
One more soul to the pyre
One more soul shall now expire
the flames they rise higher and higher
One more soul to the fire
the wood it crackles
One more soul to the pyre
the wood it creaks
One more soul shall now expire
she opens her mouth
the flames they rose up higher and higher
as if to speak
One more soul to the fire
One more soul to the pyre
One more soul has expired
the flames slowly lapping higher and higher
One more soul to the fire
the voice cry clear as a bell
One more soul to the pyre
of how hope was born
One more soul expired
of how quick it fell
the flames gathering higher and higher
for it is now night no longer dawn
One more soul to the fire
One more soul to the pyre
One more soul shall expire
the flames will rise higher and higher
One more soul to the fire
One more soul to the pyre
One more soul shall expire
the flames will rise higher and higher
One more soul to the fire
One more soul to the pyre
One more soul shall expire
the flames will rise higher and higher...
Hole
In this hole
i shall place
a black piece
of coal
it will filter through my blood
it will not splinter like wood
it will not crumple as paper
it will not fail later
it will not fail cause it cannot start
to pump the blood as did my heart
it will not feel it will not lie
it cannot falter and cannot die
Beginning or end
a life enters as another leaves
the reaper takes
as the vultures circle
the cloak flows long
the shadow cast
a portal into a mans past
a life born
is a chance once more
to cheat our make up
to beat the flaw
that we might live
better
that we might not die in shame
to begin is to lie
to die to cheat
to cry too easy
harder to weep?
to love inept
to hate is done with ease
indiference is key to
this life of soiled values and greed
i will cheat the game and die
i will have indifference
when words cannot fly
from my heart
to sting as ive been stung
to wound when wounding is done
this corpse will cheat and become
part of a greater whole than once
i shall have no light to guide the way
i shall have no darkness
no night or day
i will be as intangiable as the wind
a voice on high that cannot sing or speak
that shall not have wings
horns shall not be my path
nor will my back feel a lash of whips
of chains
of hot stoakers
of burning oily claims
against a soul for mine shall never be
mine shall never be whole
it shall never be one
for to begin or end
you play the game
no one wins
all shall lose
cheating fails
death is no release it suspends the start
delays the end
darkens the hearts
of players who know when all is said and done
it never ends hell has just begun
Who Watches the Watcher?
I'm tired, sick, tired and fed up, when my friends have problems who tries to help who listens? Who gives an opinion and usually has it ignored to be validated? When ive problems which of them cares to listen? (Btw im talking Rl) Why am i told: not now, ive my own things to think about, stop whining, stop being so sad, stop being depressing? Im sorry that im a depressing person, im sorry im not happy, happy, joy, joy all the time, im sorry i cant apparently be a true goth cause i havent read the right stuff, dont get as emotional about some things which i apparently should, im sorry that im not the right build, that things i find gorgeous i cant have because im not an anorexic stick, that i dont have the money all the time, im sorry if i seem self absorbed but what can i do if people wont try, im sorry if my humour isnt appropriate, but its the way ive learned to survive, bitterness and cynicism, im sorry i find it easier to talk to people, im sorry if i break certain rules, apparent taboos by actually asking someone something to actually try and get to know some people rather than just say hi or wait to be talked to. I'm sorry my opinions probably arent what people want to hear because as well as being a romantic, im a pragmatist and realist, no they dont necessarily work all at once, im sorry if im always at places, but i have as much right to be there, im sorry if i appear as some sort of mindless being following around im sorry that my opinions are biased, im sorry i dont know who i am, im sorry that in trying to find out i make mistakes, im sorry that at times my words are ill placed and used, that i can so easily be misunderstood, im sorry im overwhealmed by my continued existence and that blow after blow after blow is served out to me yet i do not yelp, that i do not cry for help because no one will come, no one can fend it off, that when i try to explain no one tries to listen, that an online journal can be my sanctuary, im sorry,
i want unconciousness
i want that warmth
i want that hazyness
i want the intangeable as always
im doing what i hate, im appologising for my emotions, im appologising for my confusion for being too close and yet being shoved further and further away, im sorry, im sorry,im so sorry, im sorry im not good, im sorry that i try so hard and fail, im sorry that at the wrong moment ill do something to hurt my friends, ill say the wrong things, ill lash out and someone will be hurt, i cant help it, im too big i should be able to control myself, im sorry im clumsy, im sorry im always in the way, if i cant make you happy im so sorry, i try i really try, i try so hard so so hard im sorry my faith is not strong in practice but is in heart, im sorry im not a happy clappy christian im sorry im not willing to condem people for their beliefs or sexuality, that im not certain about things, that so much doctrine is made up and means so little, that sectarianism results, that for saying what im saying this journal may be removed. im sorry if im an emotional screw up, that i have to check before i do things, im sorry im so weak, im so so sorry, i cant help it, how can i help people if i cant help myself? why am i doing this? why always why? im sorry for all of you that you have my aquantence or friendship, i love you, im not good at showing it, im sorry if a cuddle isnt appropriate, or that i irritate people by springing them on people, if i havent an answer, im sorry, but if i can help i can but try and im sorry if a cuddle simply isnt good enough. i have alot to give i just dont know what it is, im waiting and hoping but what chance have i of realising before it is too late? itll always be too late...
Give it me...
something to take away
something so i wont stay,
a chance to break from what i am
a chance to be a different man
id try id really try
id not die id not cry
id let you
i bet you wont
ive met your kind
you'r all alike
but it doesnt matter
it doesnt matter
no it doesnt matter any more to me
any more
any more
any more
no it doesnt matter any more
you've broke
you've stolen
that link
the things that once made
me think
are gone...
A Black Heart ii
I want a black heart so i can no longer feel,
I need a black heart so i can heal,
I need to heal, to disreagard my sin,
I need to seal all that was within.
I want a black heart so i can no longer feel,
I need a black heart so i can heal,
I need my heart to be as a black wilted rose,
no longer a sweet passionate sent to my nose.
I need a black heart so i can no longer feel,
I need a black heart so i can heal,
I need to make my world real,
i need to lose how i feel,
i need to find a state of mind,
i need to be with my kind,
i need to be understood,
i need to stem the flood
of tears welling inside
of a dampness that corrupts this hide,
can it be found in my blood...
can it be found inside my mind...
can it be found in my heart..
can it be found in any part or place,
realm within this tortured soul?
She loves a puppet
Songs from UP by REM
Lotus
hey hey.
I was Hell.
sarcastic silver swell.
that day it rained
tough spun. hard won. no
ocean flower aquarium
badlands. give a hand.
honey dipt. flim flam
hey hey. hey hey.
that cat can walk like a big bad man.
so happy to show us
I ate the lotus.
say haven't you noticed?
I ate the lotus
storefront window, I reflect.
just last week I was merely heck
tip the scale. I was hell
picked me up, then I fell.
who's this stranger? crowbar spine
...and I feel fine.
let it rain, rain, rain
bring my happy back again.
so happy to show us
I ate the lotus.
say haven't you noticed?
I ate the lotus
let it rain, rain, rain
save me from myself again
wash a way my ugly sins
opposing thumb, dorsal fin
that monkey died for my grin
bring my happy back again
let it rain, rain, rain
bring my happy back again
so happy to show us
I ate the lotus.
say haven't you noticed?
I ate the lotus
I ate the lotus
I ate the lotus
Hope and the Appologist, Sad professor and walk unafraid
these are how i feel...
You don't care about us...
there can no longer be this part of me
it must go, i must lose it as i lose all things dearest to me,
i cut it off now, i hang it by its tattered threads of existence, till they will fastly fade and it will drop to the floor and splatter the intestines of what was once good, now cancerous sickly and bloated. We will die it will die you are no longer part of me, i cremate your body in the cold fire of my soul, my heart echoes desolately with the sound of the fall...
My Carcus
slowly it sat, knawing away, my leg now blotched, swollen and hockpocked, the bacteria multiplying exponentially within, the maggots slowly moving, sliding over one another as they migrated up through my flesh, the blood cold and drained, the flesh bloated festering and decomposing, the insects starting to burrow deeper into my remains, gradually they moved up digesting the pool of my remains, breaking it down, slowly creating energy by which they might live, not that i need it anymore, i am gone and so is that within me which deserved so much better, you see i have failed you all, and so have i been failed, i could not protect myself, it was inevitable inertia can only last so long and then the body breaks down, things stop working, thoughts become hazy consciousness and unconsciousness merge, the body relaxes and so loses control, muscles stop working and so it finishes...
do not mourn for me i can not hear,
do not cry your time shall come,
one day may we be together again,
but if not, what is done is done
goodbye friend you messed up again,
your stinking soul back to from whence it came,
you wont find me,
ill become one with a tree,
as my body parts decompose,
the soil and nutrients sustaining something far nobeler, far better and more worthwhile than i...
my soul it flickers like a moth to candle light, closer and closer further and further, finally it soars into the sky alight the candle having moved too fast, set it alight and destroyed its once fine form
frinds will be friends will be friends when you are wanted, not when they are needed and so, guilty am i of it all, add it too my sins, so the list increases the burden ever more, my frail body can sustain itself no longer, soon i shall be a carcus stripped of what i once was, rborn back to energy from whence i came, the word required a voice, the voice required an energy and so we came and so we destroyed ourselves, so we destroy ourself...
there is darkness in me so black, that whiteness, goodness seems unachievable, heaven will never be mine no matter how hard i try and so to the other i remain, daily my burdens and tortures increase this hell called life tormenting me ever more...
perhaps it is time for the curtain call, tonight shall i fly shall i soar, shall i roar becoming one with the tides, one with the soil, one with the air? Shallv i get caught up in someone's hair, who knows what will happen to me? who knows what fate bestows upon us, who can try who can dictate? My life is not my own and so it shall never be, i will remain under my tree, it shall sprout and pronounce that once there was a boy no man, once there was a song, no singer, once there was a reader but no writers and once ears could be heard and nothing ever said
im not mad but i am me i can only be what i am told not what i want to be, my decisions are others, it is laid out, a script to a play that one shall see, they willlaugh at the wrong moments, find joy in the sorrow, pity in the laughter, cry when all is joyful, for this one is director, writer and audience the stringpuller, the set master and prop provider. i can never have been less than what i am, but Oh i could have been so much more...
Frustration
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Its what you wanted me to have
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Its what you gave me
Loneliness...
Loneliness
How much do you really need me?
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Perhaps its harder for me to cope with than youd ever
have thought
Loneliness...
Loneliness
You hurt me far to much
Loneliness...
Loneliness
You are getting what you wanted
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Cant take away the pain like that
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Time awaits
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Fear protects you
Loneliness
Loneliness
Perceived love blinds you
Loneliness...
Loneliness
Can happiness be bought?
Loneliness...
Loneliness
By three powerful words
Loneliness...
Loneliness
You have abused it
Loneliness...
Loneliness
This may be your reward
Loneliness...
Loneliness
This is my punishment
Loneliness...
Loneliness
I dont think it can be brought back...
I hate my life
i hate myself for thinking i ever had a chance
i hate her for thinking her weekend was any worse than mine
i hate myself for hoping the impossible
i hate myself that although she feels the same my friendship is more valuable
i hate that i sound so despertate and that anything i say can be seen as someone bouncing off the rebound but i truely believe i love her...
i hate my life...
give it someone else
i cant take this anymore please relieve me from my pain, take my sin and punish me by it, but by all means end my life...please
Ive found it again...God Help Me please...
Ive found myself in the loneliest place again. I dont want to go back to that anymore, i want to move on, i cant bear it anymore, ive suffered enough why wont they let me go? why wont they? <cry> i try so hard i get up, i get on, i do things i help others yet im backed up by no one. i dont want to go back to it, i thought id escaped it, i dont want to be that close to it again, i dont want to embrace it like a long lost love, i dont want it to sneak up on me and jump me from the shadows. ive moved them away again, ill be ok, the door is unlocked and they can come if i need them...but would they? why bother? its just one less thing to get them down...they deal with it the way they want, they never listen to me, they never notice...they dont really need me, my troubles are not their cares, yet theirs becomes my burden, i sat amoungst them and none of them noticed, none cared, they are too bothered with their own self enduced dilemas, but what about mine that arent self enduced or deserved? I dont deserve this...yet ive been taking it all my life...a skinny wretch is fine to be sad, fine to mourn fine to do what they want, they dont have to conform even when trying not to, they can hide in the daylight yet wretches like me are forced into the blinding sun to get sh*t on by all, we get hit and knocked, we get abused we go mad yet a sad clown is something funny to these people, i am not your clown, my life is my own, it isnt to be observed and laughed at, you cant bear it can you if we dont laugh when you do, if we stick out, if we try and do something far more interesting, less bland...but i dont want to go back to that place again...i dont want to go back in my shell i dont want the death or glory charge yet, i just want to be...i want to survive, to escape the inner island of loneliness in the crowd...i dont want to go back into myself...it nearly got me killed last time, i dont want that bitterness, that sarcasm, i dont want that pain, i can change my future, i dont want it to be a revolution back to the past though to do it...
it is gone
and so am i
dry that tear
do not cry
you will find me as i lie
engulfed in my state of mind
i will die a thousand times
before a word is spoken
a breath is taken
yet you shall never know
you never will care
and when i have told the truth
and when i have sold my soul
when i have laid all open for all to see
you shall find no good part of me
i am the one that was told of
i am the one you are scared of
i am simply one you can not save
i was lost from the start
i am your sinner and your saint
i am a newborn with a taint
a soul black a heart of glass
a broken mind another shall pass
pass me the blade and let it run deep
let the river run in the street
let the slumped body be consumed
as cars go past as stale fumes
engulf and wrap me protecting with their grime
that i shall not be here next time
a scream shall never utter forth
their lives shall run an uninterupted course
for once again it is plain for all to see
im just another modern teenage tragedy
of living in a world where right is wrong
the note shall be made the songs sung
the mourners few and far from young,
they will ask "another life well spent?"
to them i tell you "you never knew me"
"none ever saw my soul
none embraced that coal
black tarnished pitted face"
nothing to embrace without shrapnel of pain and spikes of sin
trying to escape the ticking time bomb within
i will be gone time is short
no it is too long
i can not wait my end will come
never after all is done
my life will flicker and fade,
my spining thread cut short and quick
the wind shall guide my path that night
the earth shall salute my slumped corpse
the water shall land on and be released from within
the fire shall consume my wretched life
the waste that was from start to end
in that hour i shall pass by you all my friends
my loved ones
the ones who will never know
i tried so hard
so hard to tell you
but you never had the time
and when it came it was never me you sought
i am not ashamed of that you see
ive accepted that none shall like the external me
the one i thought
i know the truth
she never would let me see her soul
she saw my truths and coped too well with those i could bear to tell
but i never learned to tell those i pursued for years,
i helped you with your relationships and am but a friend i cant ever be more can i? no.
So the place i have to go i can not face
i can no longer try and trace the parts of me i dared not touch
i found it and it scared me too much
my truth is cruel
my truth is hard to see by others external to me
the blackness is mine
i never shall escape but to haunt you
one last time you shall find my notes
and on the headstone let it be said
do not cry for this youth hes better off dead
the world was too painful for one such as he
born 1984 died...we shall see... <cry>
LIFE IN THE SEWERS OF SOCIETY
I found it hanging in the tree,
the rope attached below the knee,
there it swung
too and fro
there it hung
dangling far and low
the branch was thick
the body beaten
the face bruised and swollen
the stench was great
the soul long gone
the flesh was rotten beneath the skin
the punishment for his sin
it had begun the moment he had begun to hope
by the side of that smouldering fire and smoke
slowly it had risen to the sky
how his black heart had soared how it had flown
to be blown off course that fateful night
it had found another hanging in another tree
but she was hung not below the knee
she was hung from the neck
her mind had gone hence into heck
and so they dangle in their trees
swinging at various degrees
once they had swung so far and wide
that at 90 degrees
they were side by side
their ropes and bodies had entwined
the bond they had shared
though short and strong
could never have been long
for it was not meant to be
and so she swung to anothers tree
still they swing there no closer to side by side
im sorry dear she had once replied
i lied
it was all a laugh
it was such fun
but now i must be gone
i am decietful as you can see
i hang here from this tree
not from misfortune nor out place
for this beautiful face
is a warning to all men
of what shall befall them
if they trust
if they please
then so they shall find that they are crippled below the knees
the shall no longer run
there shall be no fun for these people i have hung
there shall be no laughter no songs sung
i lured them into my wood
i hid them
took care of their furious blood
i bid them come to me
so they did
so you fools can see,
you shall find all who come here in the trees
their blood drained
their faces flushed
the branches brushed
past when in a flurry of excite
they tried to escape their dire and fateful plight
their fate was sealed with this curse
of not knowing love from lust
and what is worse
they tried to tell themselves
the other one would do more wrong
be less fun
how foolish men are how they can be decieved by emotions new
situations far from real
fantasies were made for these
to shield men from their own thoughts
to disguise sin
to smother the voice within
that warned them of that fatal night
when moon was up
the air so still
truth was so beautiful
so real
but lies may be easier to disguise
when lust or love are in the eyes
so my bretheren so shall we hang until our bodies degrade
until we become parts of rock, air and soil
till rock is worn into sand,
till one day parts of us may stand
in the formation of new bodies of new souls
and so shall we repeatedly hang from the trees when once more
that decietful voice calls us by our names
my bretheren i warn you hurry with haste
run away from that so tempting place
or else you shall too become like me
so you shall hang in the trees
tied beneath the knees
a lesson must be learnt
a tale must be told
so the young of our kinfold
will be warned of the nature of man
that love may be lust and can be so hard to distinguish from the one
that before long it is too late the time has gone
do not my bretheren hang like me
do not go near that fatal psiren with her song
be fearful of what may become
when she is bored and time is long
bodies continue to hang from the trees
these great oaks of society
sulks
im fed up
im unappreciated as always
she cancelled on me
ok that makes it sound like something it isnt, i was just really looking forward to it
im trapped in hell
ive got to escape and my one hope for the day has been destroyed
i cant go back there
i cant do ought cause as soon as its done i have to go back there and its so lonely there
i want to weep all the time
im sure they are fed up of hugging me
its just one of the things that make me feel a little better
i don think any of them realise how lost i am
none of them even try to care
<cry><blue>
That night
the sky was cloudless
the alley was dark
the trees made no sound
the hedge freshly chopped
the bare bark stuck out in sharp splintered spikes
the dark figure slowly moved
he muttered as he moved
prayers crossed with long since forgotten psalms
songs of youth
sounds of the victor crying out over the bloodied battlefield
against the bitter darkness from which he had become one with
the dark coat flapped
the buckle catching the harshness of the neon glare as he passed soundlessly under the lamp
the blackness had engulfed him once more as he flickered in and out of their glare
the glasses glinted
the shoes began to rythmically step
the trousers smart and black crumpled and stretched crumpled and stretched with each step
they were moving towards him the figures in the dark their faces obscured by the neon halos
noisily they scurried forth drunkenly swaying
they jumped and scared the poor figure
involuntarily his arms lifted to fend them off
but these devils of the night
this earthly scum
these kevs and townies sharrons and all shrieked and howled with wicked laughter
what hope for these souls?
how he hated them
how he asked for their destruction
how he realised his hatred for this world and its inhabitants cruel of action of thought inhuman and without compassion
how he had not to hate them, to become one of them
how he must be above these creatures
and yet
how he wanted to grab them by the throat
how he wanted to force them to the ground applying pressure to their most effective marks
how he longed to wickidly warn them of their impending fate
how he wold take off his glove and reveal his tallons
how he would slowly apply pressure to the eyeballs till they burst squelching and bloody messy and the pain oh the pain
how they deserved it...
the others he would slowly gouge out opening the eyelids and placing his sharp nails under severing the optic nerves as he pulled them from their heads biting in he released their juics felt and tasted the iron as it trickled down his throat
holding the neck back
how he would apply his pressure to the torso
how he would tear into the necks with his teeth severing the vocal chords and tearing the windpipe
his vengence would be granted
he would have his revenge
how he would fly with their bodies to the tallest trees
and like the butcherbird
how he would impale them
how he would show his trophies
how he would warn the world
their time is coming
all will be judged...
slowly he passed down the alley ...
Nice guys always finish last
its time to serve my head up on a platter
ring the bells and let those juices splatter
on the floor for all to see
im no longer with the rest of me
its time to disclose truths unknown
its time for the seeds of destruction to be sown
i tried my best and as you can see
this hatred got the better of me
she spies my body on the floor
so she laughs
there is no more
for me to spill from my guts
from which huge ruts have been gouged with the knife
releasing all the nice,
the spice,
the lies im perceived to be
im alone now the crowd is gone
for once again another of nature's sons
has been broken
by words spoken
with malice and hate
they split his heart's guarding gate
and so my friends i serve my head
and so my friends i shall be dead
the part which is so easy to exploit
remembering the noose was so tight
the gas it came the head it rose
the chest expanded and froze
the eyes rolled
the tongue lolled
the saliva foamed
the heart it beated slower
the heart it heated no more
no longer the blood of life in the veins
all that is left is mans distain
mans jealousy and hate
of that great gift of God incarnate
man must die a fitting death
and so it is with a final breath
i say to you as men of deeds
of far better and worthier than my own
die old and frail in your graven bed
do not serve up your head on a platter
for all to see and abuse
for the petty minded to be amused
they will get their comupance on that fateful day
when they are struck down as babes in the hay
no matter how strong they may seem to be
their match will be made and revenge swiftly
distributed
just and kind
and so they will find
juged by their action words and thoughts
the thorns of their mortal life shall be
seeds of destruction sown of their own
not me...
These eyes
These eyes are swollen with tears
these eyes have regained their fears
the past has not yet gone
the time for rememberance has begun
these eyes have been dulled grey with pain
these eyes have felt the rain
these have felt that stinging burn
these have known the turns
the follies of heart body and mind
they have seen it all before it has begun
they have been impotent for what is done is done
these eyes can not hide the emotions that now brim inside
once they could
once they formed a steely silver
once they proved an impenitrable armour
but time has dulled them with experience past and yet to come
their surroundings are wrinkles fit for none
none so young as i should feel this pain
none should know the toxicity of the flame
of the heart which burns so wicked in its cage
which damages with its vengeful rage
burning all and preserving none
so etching into my brow are the canyons deep and narrow
the abyse of her heart shall forever be reflected in my face now
the mirror hides no shame all is visible
all the flames inside which were to become one
shall never more for anyone
i shall seal these in new cages
i shall gain new ways to fight the rage
i will die in the attempt
for after all it will be my time spent
locking them away for my life
keeping me away from strife
i shall fail in this as all will see
and then there shall be no more of me
frends may wonder at this events turn
but they have yet to know such a burn
they have no visible marks in the face there is simply no trace
a past may be hard
a victory even harder won
but we shall all fade
what is done is done...
she will tell me with her eyes
she will disguise her lies
and i shall love her for it evermore
for that tallent is mine nevermore
i cannot decieve
i cannot lie
life is forfeit
and the time is to die...
One more soul
One more soul to the fire
One more soul to the pyre
One more soul shall expire
the flames will rise higher and higher
One more soul to the fire
the child stands quietly with rapid moving eyes
One more soul to the pyre
she stares into the reddening sky
One more soul shall expire
a tear wells up at her eye lid
the flames will rise higher and higher
she knows that they need no longer be hid
One more soul to the fire
One more soul to the pyre
One more soul shall now expire
the flames they rise higher and higher
One more soul to the fire
the wood it crackles
One more soul to the pyre
the wood it creaks
One more soul shall now expire
she opens her mouth
the flames they rose up higher and higher
as if to speak
One more soul to the fire
One more soul to the pyre
One more soul has expired
the flames slowly lapping higher and higher
One more soul to the fire
the voice cry clear as a bell
One more soul to the pyre
of how hope was born
One more soul expired
of how quick it fell
the flames gathering higher and higher
for it is now night no longer dawn
One more soul to the fire
One more soul to the pyre
One more soul shall expire
the flames will rise higher and higher
One more soul to the fire
One more soul to the pyre
One more soul shall expire
the flames will rise higher and higher
One more soul to the fire
One more soul to the pyre
One more soul shall expire
the flames will rise higher and higher...
Hole
In this hole
i shall place
a black piece
of coal
it will filter through my blood
it will not splinter like wood
it will not crumple as paper
it will not fail later
it will not fail cause it cannot start
to pump the blood as did my heart
it will not feel it will not lie
it cannot falter and cannot die
Beginning or end
a life enters as another leaves
the reaper takes
as the vultures circle
the cloak flows long
the shadow cast
a portal into a mans past
a life born
is a chance once more
to cheat our make up
to beat the flaw
that we might live
better
that we might not die in shame
to begin is to lie
to die to cheat
to cry too easy
harder to weep?
to love inept
to hate is done with ease
indiference is key to
this life of soiled values and greed
i will cheat the game and die
i will have indifference
when words cannot fly
from my heart
to sting as ive been stung
to wound when wounding is done
this corpse will cheat and become
part of a greater whole than once
i shall have no light to guide the way
i shall have no darkness
no night or day
i will be as intangiable as the wind
a voice on high that cannot sing or speak
that shall not have wings
horns shall not be my path
nor will my back feel a lash of whips
of chains
of hot stoakers
of burning oily claims
against a soul for mine shall never be
mine shall never be whole
it shall never be one
for to begin or end
you play the game
no one wins
all shall lose
cheating fails
death is no release it suspends the start
delays the end
darkens the hearts
of players who know when all is said and done
it never ends hell has just begun
