New Pharmaceuticals for the 21st Century
Created | Updated Feb 3, 2003
DAMITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. MAMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura S**tslinger.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
SEXCEDRIN
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
RAGAMET
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
So Long and Thanks for Laughing
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. MAMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura S**tslinger.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
SEXCEDRIN
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
RAGAMET
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
So Long and Thanks for Laughing
