INTRODUCTION

Have you ever had the feeling that you're being watched and manipulated? The unavoidable and tragic ruination of every little thing you try to accomplish, caused by a force yet unknown?
Well for those of you that have, I've compiled a little list of things that have happened to me over the years. I sometimes feel like that continuously persecuted bloke in the HG2TG
that Arthur Dent keeps killing. I hope that you enjoy this entry into the Guide. Please feel free to add your own misfortunes and misdeeds to the entry. Maybe together we can find the culprit.

INCIDENTS

These Incidents are not necessarily in any order

This incident occured when I was about 17 yrs old. While hanging around with friends near an old church at around 10pm, we discovered to our amazement that a set of 37 old stone steps leading up to an old haunted (apparently) Monastery led upto the top of a wall some 25 feet high; overlooking the highly curved road around the old church. There's a really good view from up there we found out. Especially if you hang off the edge of it.

Anyway I can't remember exactly what it was we were getting upto up there, but it wasn't long before we could see my best friends sister and her boyfriend (Hagis) flying haphazardly down the lane in their battered old mini cooper with music blaring.

Problem was that when they drove under the wall trying to find us, they couldn't see us. So we stupidly started shouting, not realising of course that they couldn't here us due to the loud music. The rottweiler (whom we later christened "Elephant Features") from the old couple's house nearby could however hear us quite clearly.

Suddenly 10 little sets of legs had to find somewhere to run. And fast. Very bloody fast in fact,and without thinking about the consequences. Which in my case were quite nasty

The Elephant had 9 other people to choose from. But guess who it went for! That's correct, ME damnit!! Why, I don't know. What I do know is that I had placed myself conveniently on top of the wall thinking that this would be a sufficient enough escape. WRONG! The Elephant with the HUGE teeth decided it liked the taste of the marrow inside my left ankle. I wasn't happy with that arrangement as you can imagine, and seeing as that I only had 1 option left; I used it.I threw myself clean off the wall towards the roof of my friends now stationary car.

However, as my petrified body neared the point of impact, the car started up and slowly moved away. Due to the cars acceleration and the point of impact of my now violently thrashing bag of bones; I ended up bouncin off the car at a very peculiar tangent, spinning at breakneck rotational velocity through a hedge, through the branches of a tree, and planted face first in the middle of the church's grave yard. Waking up 10 minutes later with a broken collar bone, two broken ankles and a huge bloody Elephant licking my face, whining!