It's not what you know, it's not who you know; it's how you pronounce certain words. Have you been trying for years to land that job at Broadcasting House? Do you have a masters degree in Media Studies but still can't get a job on local radio? Then read on...

Employment in any broadcast media is contingent on the acceptance of a bizarre code, involving the wilful and obstinate mis-pronunciation of certain key words. Learn to get these words "right", and you're halfway to becoming the next Dermot Murnaghan.

Principals amongst these appear below, but h2g2 researchers are encouraged to add further entries if they are aware of, or discover them. Note that these examples apply regardless of accent, which is a seperate question; though, of course, an Alistair Stewart "Snay On Hay Graynd" twang is preferable.

• Med'cine - The first hurdle. Pronounce that middle 'i', just once, and you're history. Note how no-one who has worked in the broadcast media can ever sing A Spoonful Of Sugar again.
• P'lice - Rumoured to have started when a newscaster who had lost his daughter recovered her from a Police station. When asked to identify the infant, he said "Yes, P'lice, She's My Baby!"
• B's'n'sm'n - Used to denote anyone who wears a suit, regardless of context. If an individual has died on a safari in Kenya, the reporter will feel the need to tell us that he was a b's'n'sm'n as opposed to - presumably - a real human being.
• Paytriot - Strictly, an imported Americanism. First used when transcribing CNN reports from the 1991 Gulf War, and wrestling with the phrase "Paytriot An-tie Miss'l Miss'l", which, somewhat confusingly, contains no English words at all. Now used ubiquitously in the original context, even in reports in which the word patriotic is pronounced conventionally.

So, if you'e determined to embark up the greasy pole to media superstardom, mark these well and be on the lookout for new examples. And remember, in these dangerous times; if you suspect that the b's'n'sm'n who sold you your med'cine is not a paytriot, call the p'lice immediately!