Shop-Assistant Subtext
Created | Updated Dec 13, 2004
"Can I help you, sir/madam?" [expensive shop]
Subtext: Are you actually going to buy anything, or just stand there lowering the tone of our shop? We're not a charity, you know.
"Hello, can I help?" [cheap shop]
Subtext: Don't even think about nicking our stuff, we may look like we've got a rubbish security system but let me tell you those mirrors are *very* strategically placed and I can see exactly what you're doing.
"Would you like any help in there?" [to person in changing cubicle, sometimes accompanied by dramatic sweeping-back of curtains]
Subtext: Don't even think about nicking our stuff, we may look like we've got a rubbish security system but I counted how many items you took in there and you're not getting away with wearing some of them under your own clothes on the way out.
"Shall I get you a bigger size, I'm afraid the sizes come up quite small in that range."
Subtext: You're fat and you know you are.
"Hey, that really suits you." [followed if necessary by explanation of how it flatters customer's "good features"]
Subtext: I'm getting bored now, why don't you pay for that and get out of my life.
"Have you thought about the extended warranty?" [in electrical shop, followed by long discourse on extended warranties supported by leaflets and other promotional literature]
Subtext: I live on extended-warranty contracts like a waiter lives on tips.
"I've got one of those myself and I've never had a problem."
Subtext: Your inexperience in these matters is blindingly obvious.
Subtext: Are you actually going to buy anything, or just stand there lowering the tone of our shop? We're not a charity, you know.
"Hello, can I help?" [cheap shop]
Subtext: Don't even think about nicking our stuff, we may look like we've got a rubbish security system but let me tell you those mirrors are *very* strategically placed and I can see exactly what you're doing.
"Would you like any help in there?" [to person in changing cubicle, sometimes accompanied by dramatic sweeping-back of curtains]
Subtext: Don't even think about nicking our stuff, we may look like we've got a rubbish security system but I counted how many items you took in there and you're not getting away with wearing some of them under your own clothes on the way out.
"Shall I get you a bigger size, I'm afraid the sizes come up quite small in that range."
Subtext: You're fat and you know you are.
"Hey, that really suits you." [followed if necessary by explanation of how it flatters customer's "good features"]
Subtext: I'm getting bored now, why don't you pay for that and get out of my life.
"Have you thought about the extended warranty?" [in electrical shop, followed by long discourse on extended warranties supported by leaflets and other promotional literature]
Subtext: I live on extended-warranty contracts like a waiter lives on tips.
"I've got one of those myself and I've never had a problem."
Subtext: Your inexperience in these matters is blindingly obvious.
