On a small planet in the uncharted backwaters of the western spiral arm of our galaxy, there is life. Hardly a major accomplishment, to be sure, and some would even call it undesirable, but nevertheless this planet does indeed have life. In fact, it has a remarkable, if not bizarre, array of life-forms on its surface. It boasts large brown columns that grow out of the soil, with flat green appendages designed to catch the energy of their sun. There are creatures of tremendous size roaming effortlessly through the water that dominates the planet and creatures that can fly through their atmosphere under their own power – a truly remarkable achievement that few life-forms in the galaxy ever aspire to. Indeed, there are many life-forms on this planet worth studying, as they can be quite fascinating.

However, there is one species on the planet who consider themselves dominate. They are a bipedal, ape-descended life-form who prefer to call their species human, though they divide themselves so thoroughly it is a wonder that they don’t declare each faction a different species. They have chopped up the land of their world, with each group fiercely protecting their portion. Throughout their short history on their planet, they have had many conflicts over who owns which piece of soil. These humans have killed a great many of their own through these wars. They apparently do not realize that if they had stopped fighting, they might have put their energy toward gaining interstellar travel and would have already joined the galactic community. Perhaps, then, we should be grateful for these wars.

As mentioned before, this life form considers itself to be dominate on the planet. They also have the belief that their culture will continue indefinitely. This is an especially short-sighted belief, considering that they have only been in existence for less than a million years of their planet’s 4.6 billion year history. They are not the first life-form to dominate this planet, but even though they are aware of this, they still consider themselves to be the ultimate life-form. In the planet’s past, other life-forms have been killed off by things such as meteors, and yet this species has no protections in place to prevent the same thing from happening to them. Though there is a movement to track meteorites passing through their planet’s orbit, it is extremely unlikely that such a small effort will yield any immediate results. They remain completely naïve in regards to their future.

The humans of earth are attempting to spread their species into space and in very recent history have had small successes, but it is unlikely you will see one drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster in your local bar any time soon. They have hardly begun to explore their own solar system, and are currently more occupied with squabbling with each other and destroying their own planet. No doubt, once they realize that covering their planet with concrete and replacing the air with smog are not the best conditions in which to live, they will be more eager to explore their local solar systems. A note to any planets they may attempt to take over – don’t bother fighting back. Just let them do their thing, and eventually they will destroy each other for you.

In all, this planet is truly best summed up by the Guide’s description of ‘Mostly harmless’, though this would likely offend any of these human life-forms who wish to believe themselves more powerful than they are. Most of the galaxy won’t have to worry about dealing with them for quite awhile, if indeed at all. If and when they do make interstellar contact, please be warned that this species can become extremely annoying.