h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*sitting up straight* The forest is haunted?? Cool!

Yes, the forest is haunted and there are... um... unusual mushrooms. So I've heard.

(aside to Purr in Boots, vehemently)

If you're quite finished in there, please step aside.

(B4 enters the water closet and shuts the door roughly, making his point to Purr. Again, unmentionable sounds, interspersed with . There's a sudden silence, uncharacteristic of B4, then--after a long pause--some muted bumping about. More minutes elapse in silence. Then the WC door opens and B4 steps forth. He seems a bit out of sorts, even for him. His eyes have a starry quality, his mouth is up-turned in the faintest hint of a beatific smile, and his whole body--trenchcoat, satchel, and all--seems to radiate a golden glowing aura. His voice is hushed as he speaks...)

Well now... Um... There's this wonderful thing in there. At first, I thought it was one of Humpty Dumpty's relatives, but... Purr, you didn't notice it? Guess you were too busy with your predicament. Ah, it glows with this beautiful internal light that just... I can't describe it. You'll have to go in and see it yourselves.

(He walks past the table, absent-mindedly snatches up a gingerbread man, begins to bring it to his mouth to take a bite, looks at it distractedly without actually seeing it, then places it back on the baking tin. With an easy care-free gait, he moves to the rocker and sits down, stretching himself out comfortably. He only holds this pose for a few heartbeats, then stands fluidly, focuses his attention on the large framed window, and walks back to the front door. He steps outside, walks out onto the grass, pulls off his shoes and socks, and lies down in the soft comfort of the neatly manicured lawn, looking at the clouds overhead.)

Dandelion break...

*grazes on the creeping tic-tac plants growing through the fence*

If the plants have the same effect on Buttercup as the mints do for me, then we are in for several comedy moments at least!

[Back]:


The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind.

(B4 discreetly clips a clothespin over his nose, unperturbedly lazing in the lush grass and gazing heavenward.)

*There is a flutter, as of wings, outside, then a rustling, followed by a distant Baaing growing rapidly closer. Mary enters with the stranger, both looking a little wind-blown. A few minutes later, the gallops in and skids to a halt, puffing and looking wildly around. His eyes finally light on Mary and the Stranger and burn with impotent rage. He visibly restrains himself and takes several deep breaths before walking over to the pair. He fiercely looks the stranger in the eye for a full minute, the fierceness slowly draining away until finally he slowly looks down in defeat. He looks up at Mary and there is a depth of sadness in his eyes that is painful to behold. He moves from standing between the two to standing beside them.

Mary, with tears in her eyes, pats him on the head.*

It's okay, sheep. You won't have to leave me. He can stay with us, can't he Stranger?

*produces a large kleenex*

Oh, I always go to pieces in the sad bits.

*blows nose loudly*

*aside* Are those grass stains on her dress?

*Re-joining the audience at last*

Is this the last act? Have I missed anything? Will the cast be signing autographs when it is over? Is there going to be an awards ceremony? Who's got the sucky sweets?

*s up the path*

It is so lovely here, I really don't want to go back to being my Stepmother's skivvy. I wish I could stay in this pretty little house for ever.

Does it really all have to come to an end?

*Pansy limps into view along the path. She is holding the remains of the tattered ski suit, which she has removed to finally reveal the hidden outfit, the skirt of which is hard to describe without thinking of a large ball of pink candy floss. The bodice is very close fitting and low cut. It is decorated with two round dolly mixtures and might remind some of the audience of an earlier outfit, but without a sausage.


Helloooo! I'm sorry I've got a little behind. I have no shoes so I had to stop and rest my poor feet. But while I was resting I had time to write a little song which I shall be happy to perform when appropriate. I've put the lyrics somewhere very safe.

*Pansy adjusts her cleavage in such a way as to leave the audience in no doubt as to where that safe place is.*

Cinders, when we do get back, perhaps I can find work for you in my laundry so you don't need to go back. I'm the scrubber but perhaps you could mop up after me?

*Suddenly, Pansy notices B4, lazing in the grass, looking at the clouds overhead. She also notices his shoes and socks abandoned on the neatly manicured lawn. Drawing as little attention to herself as is possible in the outfit, she reaches out for one shoe and tries it on. It fits perfectly! She reaches out for the other...*

(Without turning his attention from the marvelously sculpted shapes in the clouds on the azure canvass of sky above, B4 speaks quietly in measured, even tones...)

Normally, Pansy, if I'd caught you trying to haul away my Hush Puppies, swipe my sandals, depart with my Dockers, or make off with my Dr Martens, I'd be fairly upset. But, as in 'however', I've seen the light of reason in an ucommon setting and the feeling it left with me is of such a charitable nature that I'll gladly bequeath my loafers to you...gratis. Go along your merry (read gay or happy or elated) way in well-heeled fashion, with my blessings. You've been through a lot--and doubtless a lot has been through you--and I feel you deserve to travel in comfort. Take 'em; they're yours.

(B4 speaks more loudly now, laying his head to one side...)

Hey, Cinders? If you don't want to wind up demeaned again by your step-sisters and that woman who should act like your mother, perhaps you'd like to try another adventure. There's a section of alternate reality called the Ffordeian Rift that would allow you to 'step out of character', if you will, and chart your own destiny a little better--kinda like Drew Barrymore did when she last portrayed you. Here's the address: F38024?thread=275560. Tell Hypatia that I sent you callin'...

(With that, he turns his attention once again to the marvels of the universe as beheld from a comfortable patch of lawn in the soothing warm sunlight of a magnificent day spent with the best of friends...)

*Pansy takes the other shoe and puts it on with obvious delight.*

Why, Mr B4 what a very kind offer. You have quite restored my faith in human kindness, which left me some time ago. Let me tell you, I feel so light in the loafers I could dance! Will you join me anyone?

*Pansy skips about in a merry way*

*hand in cane, the three blind mice emerge from the grass and skip about in a circle, holding on to the end of each other's cane*

*They then scamper off into the house through the open door*

*follows the mice into the house whilst trying to remove candyfloss from her claws and antennae*

*a snow white young swan comes gliding in over the Gingerbread House, circling around before landing on the lawn*

Qua-honk!

*has been nibbling on a mushroom and now sits, looking up at clouds, cliffs, and then a swan*

Oh, wow! Far out, man!

*Finally catches up with the rest of the audience.*

Watch out! Incoming!

Oh, it's a swan.