The Tom Green Chronicles Revisited
Created | Updated Dec 19, 2002
'I am the king and shall long may I reign 'cause I've been down in this world, down and almost broken...'
– Flogging Molly, Black Friday Rule.
This chapter is going to be somewhat of a Martian culture
shock for you lot reading, to be sure. So I apologise! However! We should also have the Tom Green Chronicles guide page up fairly soon (hopefully as you read this) and you can of course go there and get any explanation that you might need1.
Moving right along then...
Tom: Well, actually Jessie's done a lot of good, believe it or not.
Jade: You can't mean that.
Tom: *he gets very serious* Oh, but I do.
Firefly: Um, right...
Tom: No really.
Jade: Okay then, so what has she done, then? Name one good thing.
Tom: Well, she set up the Home For People With Bad Hair...
Firefly : *scoffs* Well that certainly sounds like an advancement...
Tom: And she opened the School For Gifted And Clinically Evil...
Jade: 'Clinically Evil...?'
Tom: Yeah, that was more or less my reaction.
Firefly : She doesn't sound as if she's really done that much.
Jade: Well it won't matter anyway. I'm going back after all, and once I'm there she'll have to step down.
Tom: Erm...
Firefly : Erm what, Tom?
Tom: Well, Jessie has a gauntlet.
Jade: But... um, so does Jade.
Tom: But hers is, erm.
Jade: Is what, Tom?
*Fred comes up behind them*
Fred : I don't know how to tell you this, but... It's somewhat shinier.
Firefly : No...! It can't be!
Jade: Can't I just polish mine? I'm sure we could make it gleam like new!
Firefly : *he sighs and stares at the gauntlet on Jade's hand* I'm afraid it's not that easy...
Jade: Why not...?
Firefly : Well Jade, you see, its - *he sighs* - This is difficult.
Fred : Should I...?
Firefly : *nods*
Fred: Well, it was prophesised long ago that when old gods pass on, a new and more powerful god or goddess will take their place. And their gauntlet will be decidedly shinier, and ergo, more powerful.
Tom: And hers is just plain... glinty.
Firefly: *looks at Jade* Sounds like you're out of a job then...
Jade: Can't I just make her renounce her title? I mean, she is my friend after all...
Tom: With all due respect, she'd probably just smack you down.
Jade: She can't be that bad.
Fred: But unfortunately she is.
Tom: Yes, she's scary even.
Jade: What am I going to do, then? If I can't be goddess I don't know what I'm gonna do...
Firefly : You could always work at Starbucks...
Jade: Yeah, that's just great. I'll be the former goddess working at the local Starbucks. And not selling coffee
either, mind you, because of course they don't have that there, I'll just be handing out the curly fries and lemonade, and then I'll...
Tom: Actually Jessie legalised caffeine...
Firefly: She what?
Fred: *sighs* Yes, she did that shortly after her ascent to the... well the goddessness, if you will.
Jade: But then that would make all the Martians... well, stoners.
Tom: That's a pretty accurate description, yes.
Fred: She got a great deal more popular after that, as I remember...
Firefly: I can't believe she'd do that! Jade, you have to get down there and do something about that! Martians are a proud people! With culture and pride and... Pokémon stadiums!
Tom: Yeah Jade, you should do something! That would rock!
Jade: Uhhh, okay...
Fred: So, um, what do you plan, then?
Tom: Yeah, she's pretty powerful, and stuff.
Fred: She might smack you down.
Jade: Well thanks for having so much 
ing faith in me, guys... Gil-galad...
Firefly: Who's Gil-galad?
Jade: Some elf guy I knew once. He had really shiny pants...
Firefly: I don't think I wanna know...
Jade: It's likely that you don't.
Tom: Right, so anyway. Do you have a plan or don't you?
Jade: Well to tell you the truth, no, I ing don't. I mean, come on now guys. Why would you expect me to now? I was just expecting to come back and have my place back.
Firefly: Yeah guys, it isn't as if she was expecting to be pronounced dead or whatever...
Fred: Well perhaps if we're lucky Jessie will just... move aside.
Jade: *crosses her arms* I doubt it. If I remember anything from our days in Rocket Academie, it's that Jessie is the biggest... well...
Firefly: She's a Jade, just say it.
Jade: Okay so she's a . I said it. Is that better?
Firefly: Yes.
Right kids, I'm done. It's 10:21 Colorado time on the 17th
of December. And for those of you that used to read my caramelised movie reviews that should mean something significant. Yes, it should, stop looking at me like that.
The midnight showing of The Two Towers draws near, and I can't bring myself to write much more of this. (For anyone who cares, right now, I am exactly 1 hour, 35 minutes, and 24 seconds away from the screening for the second bit of The One Film to Rule Them All.) It's hurting my brain. And before we know it I would just be typing on and on about
quotes and all the rubbish, and that wouldn't get us anywhere, now would it? No, I didn't think so. Oh, and just as a worthless endnote, I left the chronicles at 742 words. Which is a great place to leave it, if I do say so myself. 
Tom Green Chronicles Mark II
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