h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Since 2004, we've had a house in South West France. It is an old farmhouse with two barns in a little village on a hill near the River Lot.

We close the house up over winter and, when we return in the spring, it is shrivellingly cold. The walls are made of thick limestone blocks and, although they keep the heat in, once the house has cooled down,it takes a while to warm up. The first thing we need to do is light a wood fire in the fire place in the living room. The next thing I do is to go round with a vacuum cleaner, knocking down cobwebs. They festoon doors and windows and loop from the beams which cross the ceilings. It's a paradise.

The front garden is a moderate size with an old pine tree in the centre. However, the back garden is large and is mainly grass, with an orchard of old fruit trees. In the spring there are wild orchids in among the grass: pyramid orchids, bee and lizard orchids. My husband struggles to mow the lawn with an ordinary electric mower. Sometimes in the summer, if we arrive after an absence, the grass is as tall as me.

When we've mown the grass, it can be beautiful there. We can sit in the front garden and look up at blue sky, with the church spire ivory white. Black redstarts zoom in and out of the barn, where they've built their nests. The back garden slopes down to the west and, in the evening, we can watch the sunset.

However, the place is a long way from the nearest shop, let alone doctors or dentists. The village sometimes runs Lotto evenings and, every September there is a town festival. But, when the weather is bad, there is nothing to do there.

Lovely word: "shrivellingly"!

Thanks.

Don't suppose there's room in your garden for a few stupid English bikers to put a tent or two up for the night? Sounds lovely.

You could offer to mow the lawn for your keep.

Bring your own scythe.

I'm trying to imagine riding a motorbike with a scythe.

That's be a motor sickle!

Death rides a motorbike in "Good Omens". Not sure they mention its scythe, though.