Today, I've decided this column ought to be actually good for something. So I'm going to write a few useful punctuation tips.

Before we go any further, let me briefly animadvert on a bête noire of mine, which is French for 'that gets my nanny': grammar and punctuation snobbery. There is no call for people to act superior because they are good at it. That just means that, probably, they had very bossy English teachers. Punctuation and grammar are acquired skills, as are car repair and house wiring. I do not know one engine part from another, and I will not touch the electrics in my house. I leave such mysteries to skilled experts. But any fool can learn where to put a comma, as I will demonstrate in a moment. It's just that you may not have had much call to do it before. Besides, the internet does not help. We type too fast on those chatlines to worry about punctuation.

A completely irrelevant side note on things we know, and how we know them: I know how to score American bowling. At least, I used to, and I could probably remember if I played a game. Why? I may have gone to the only high school in the US where the gym teachers taught us how to do it. We also got instruction in the 'four-step bowling approach'. I consider that educational time well spent, as it added to my enjoyment of the Saturday morning bowling sessions with my friends. One of my friends was blind: when she scored a strike (knocked down all 10 pins), the entire bowling alley stood up and cheered. Life is full of memorable little moments like that.

So, punctuation. Spelling and grammar checkers can help you electronically, but punctuation can be a bear. Particularly if you're writing down conversations. Here are a few pointers.

The Mysteries of the Comma

Commas should go:

• After exclamations like 'oh' and 'duh'.
• In lists, like 'ham, eggs, and toast'.
• At the end of a sentence in a conversation, if it's not a question or exclamation, and you're going to say something like 'he said' afterwards. Like: 'Oh, duh, I forgot the ham, eggs, and toast,' he said, striking his forehead melodramatically.' (Note the extra comma before the participial phrase, fancy lingo for -ing thingy that adds more info.)
• Not at the end of a sentence. Like: 'He groaned, 'Oh, duh, I forgot the ham, eggs, and toast.'' You're done, full stop, give it up.

It's really easy, once you get the hang of it.

Commas in the Space/Time Continuum

A really important thing to know about commas, if you want to help an overworked editor, is how to space them.

A comma goes right after the word. THEN there's a space. (Not the other way around.)

Example:

I started to go downstairs ,but remembered I forgot something.

I started to go downstairs, but remembered I forgot something.

Quotation Marks

While we're at it, let's talk briefly about quotation marks. You can use the double ones or the single ones. Internet convention is usually to use the single quotation marks because they look less 'fussy'. Web pages hate, hate, hate those horrible curly quotation marks and apostrophes the Word program likes to use. If you can find where Word hid the settings, turn off the so-called 'Smart Quotes'. If you can't, don't worry. No matter what editors tell you, it will not kill them to use Find+Replace. They're just lazy.

However, it is a really good idea to remember that there's NO space between the text and the quotation marks. Like this:

" Oh, heck, " she said. " I forgot the ham, eggs, and toast again. "

Should be: 'Oh, heck,' she said. 'I forgot the ham, eggs, and toast again.'

Why Do We Care?

Does knowing these rules make you smart? Nope. Is punctuation an elite mystery? Give me a break. Gag me with a spoon, as the kids used to say about twenty years ago. So why do we care?

Because it makes your writing easier to read. Punctuation is a set of conventions people have agreed on in a specific language. Punctuation evolves over time. People's eyes get used to a certain punctuation system, just as the computer learns to read code. Punctuation facilitates the smooth flow of a writer's ideas from the page to the reader's brain.

Proofreading is a service we perform for one another to catch the odd typo or misplaced punctuation mark. Do you win a prize if you spot one? Nope. But if you're polite about it, the other person may thank you. They may say something about how good it is to have 'another pair of eyes on this.'

Now, go and be nice to each other about punctuation. Our writing will be neat, and clean, and civilised. Notice how I remembered to go back and fight the US Word program to spell 'civilised' right? Of course you didn't. If I get it right, nobody notices.

So there. I hope I've been good for something this week.

Writing Right with Dmitri Archive

Dmitri Gheorgheni

11.09.17 Front Page

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