I've just been reading an essay, with list, by a genially opinionated Methodist church music director. He seems like a guy you'd enjoy meeting, but he made me laugh. In this piece, called '10 Hymns We Should Stop Singing', Jonathan Aigner writes, ''As there was very little theological oversight, they [the bad hymns] perpetuated a lot of vapid folk theology and sappy, sentimental tunes.' He blames most of these on those evil Baptists. I checked his biography: he's a recovering Baptist (I hear you, brother) who attended Baylor University in Texas.

The list gave me a chuckle. Some of them Mr Aigner objects to on the quite solid ground that they contain bad poetry or are oversentimental. But mostly, he doesn't like the theology. That's the part that makes me laugh. Apparently, proper Methodists don't believe in the Rapture. Fair enough, although it's a complicated question – not agreeing with Tim Lehaye doesn't mean you don't believe that. . . oh, never mind, you don't want to know all that. (It will give you brain-freeze.) I won't link to this list, because Aigner has committed what I consider to be the unpardonable sin among bloggers: he's put each item of his list on a separate, completely overmonetised page¹. I will not link to something that is likely to slow down your browser. I feel that this is an unchristian thing to do.

Here are some things the Methodist musician objects to, and says he won't use in church 'unless someone above my pay grade says otherwise.' ['Pay grade', how Methodist, snort, Baptists are an autonomous collective. . . ]:

• All patriotic songs. No argument there. See our threat to play 'O Canada' a couple of Sundays ago.
• Onward Christian Soldiers. Fair enough. But remember, you only have to visualise those marching Sunday School Infants to gain a whole new perspective on Sabine Baring-Gould.
• He Lives. Okay, it's hard to sing. And the 1930s were not a banner era for hymn writers. But lighten up, most people like belting it out. (Try it in the shower.) This guy is being snobbish. He says, 'It contains more sentimental sappiness than a thousand Hallmark stores.' Yeah, so?
• He doesn't like The Old Rugged Cross. Frankly, neither do I. I try to avoid it. But h2g2ers, you've heard it if you're a New Who fan. Don't remember? Try this version. Ardal O'Hanlon, dressed as a cat, singing a weird hymn on an impossible planet while minister's son David Tennant stands there with an unreadable expression on his face. . . I kept wondering if he was worried about what the Kirk would say to this mad Welsh blasphemy. . .
• Softly and Tenderly Jesus is Calling comes in for scorn. I get that, too: the line about 'Shadows are gathering, deathbeds are coming' is not only cringeworthy, but brings unbidden images to mind that actually belong in a Doctor Who episode. I did give you Willie Nelson, though.
• Mr Aigner wants to throw out As the Deer, because the Sixties. I hear you, but we have so few memories of that seminal era as it is. . . What's a bit of hippie poetry among friends? Yes, the lyrics mix 'thee' and 'you' with promiscuous abandon, but grit your teeth and play the chords, you wimp. It isn't about thee.
• Where this guy really gets going, though, is in objecting to hymns like How Great Thou Art and, oddly, I'll Fly Away. Why? Because they mention the Rapture, which he insists is not ever, ever, gonna happen. (We'll see, I reckon.) He also dislikes Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus. Why? Because 'the things of earth will grow strangely dim,' which I thought was okay theology, but no. They should become clear, not dim. It's not a great piece of music, but I think that's nitpicking.

Finally, Mr Aigner argues that A Mighty Fortress is a much better song than In the Garden. I can understand why he objects to In the Garden. It's theologically empty, and it's kind of an easy-listening song. But to replace it with Ein' feste Burg? Leave the fight songs to the Sally Army, why dontcha? They have that great timbrel drill going. . .

It strikes me what the writer doesn't mention: either he likes Fanny Crosby, or the Methodists don't bother singing her anymore. She's on about flying away, going to Heaven, being transported, etc, rather a lot. But I'll talk about her another day (and you can read about her on this week's h2g2 Front Page). Just wondering if Aigner knows what the connotations of the word 'thrill' were back then. . .

All this just goes to show: de gustibus non est disputandum. To each his own hymnal. Just don't weaponise it.