It's early spring, and frankly, I'm bored. Are you?

I don't say this often, but occasionally, when you're looking for inspiration – be it for blogging, or quick fiction or humour, or just for something to natter on about in a column – the news media disappoint. Look at these stories from today's 'news':

• A US presidential candidate's campaign manager has been charged with assault. Hm, promising…oh, wait. He bruised the journalist's arm. Probably interfered with her ability to mouseclick while filing her story. Ho, hum.
• Oh, this looks spectacular: a plane was hijacked. Thank goodness, no one was injured. The 'explosive belt' turned out to be a fake. And the man just wanted to talk to his wife…sounds like quite a flap, but not really conducive to further investigation. I'll bet that was an unnecessarily exciting plane ride, though. Glad I wasn't there.
• A talented actress died. Sorry to hear that. She was a good performer, and I've read she had a troubled life. Sad to lose her so young. I'm sure this will inspire someone to update her biography, but still…
• The FBI got a hacker (or firm of hackers) to get into that terrorist's iPhone. Yadda yadda, but does that mean the FBI now knows how to get into iPhones? Glad I don't have one. Again, this doesn't even look like a good idea for a scifi story. (It's been done before.)

Even the news portal is bored. How can we tell? Because I'm still on the first page, and they've already gone to the silly news:

• 'Nurse who photographed patient's genitals surrenders licence'. Puh-leeze. Apparently, even the nurses are bored.

But wait, this headline's promising:

• '25,000 Sign Petition to Allow Guns at Republican National Convention'

Oh, wow. The mind boggles. A contested presidential election convention. Full of delegates from every state. And all armed to the teeth. Are you imagining this? I am. I could make a story out of this…boy, could I make a story out of this…or a poster, or a funny song to a suitable tune…

All this firepower callin' me

Back where it comes from

It's such a crude attitude

It's back where it belongs

All the little pollsters with their guns in their holsters

Go "Cleveland ducks!", "Cleveland ducks!"

Donald Trump and Republican frumps

Go "Cleveland ducks!", "Cleveland ducks!"

"Cleveland ducks!", "Cleveland ducks!"

"Cleveland ducks!", "Cleveland ducks!"

"Cleveland ducks!", "Cleveland ducks!"

The feds know but they don't care

They've got their worries too

Surveillance and the iPhone affair

And reports are due

All the commentators with their calculators

Go "Cleveland ducks!", "Cleveland ducks!"

Mics in faces and ratings races

Go "Cleveland ducks!", "Cleveland ducks!"

"Cleveland ducks!", "Cleveland ducks!"

"Cleveland ducks!", "Cleveland ducks!"

"Cleveland ducks!", "Cleveland ducks!"

They're all ready to lock and load

And shoot it out like grandpa did

He was a fighter and they are, too

Go "Cleveland ducks!"

"Yeah Cleveland ducks!"

Cleveland ducks!, Cleveland ducks! [x9 1/2]

OHIO!!!!

Of course, like me, you suspected immediately that the source of the petition was a Democrat. Yep. He, er, wanted to make a point. But how will this play out?

Okay, they've got my interest now. By now, you'll probably know more about it than I do at time of writing. But hey, the fictional possibilities alone are endless…finally, something in the news worth thinking about

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Dmitri Gheorgheni

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