Have you been paying attention this month?

Too easy, right? We'll try to make it harder next time.

And now the story.

Hortense and Harold were strolling through the playground. 'Ouch!' Hortense exclaimed. I've just been hit by conkers. Hey, you fellows! Be more careful!'

'Ah, we don't have to,' replied the players. 'You didn't say 'Simon Says'. Besides, we were going to the other side of the playground, anyway.'

'Hmpf!' sniffed Harold. 'You can't do that unless you say Mother, May I? And you didn't. So you shan't.'

The children were incensed at a) being addressed in antique language and b) being harangued by adults in their own playground, so they chased Hortense and Harold from the schoolyard, which should have happened anyway, but the school guard was snuck around the back playing Kim's Game with a friend, because they both had a secret ambition to be hired by MI6. At this rate, they weren't going to make it. 'We should be playing Kriegsspiel instead,' his mate suggested. 'Then we could plan strategy for the military.'

The unlucky pair hurried past the Tube station, stopping only to buy a new paperback from the Penguincubator, because Hortense was jonesing for some Harry Potter. While she wasn't looking, Harold threw a coin into the gumball machine because he had never got over his terrible chewing habit, which he picked up on holiday in the US. Knowing that Hortense was a dreadful snob, he secreted his purchase in his trousers pocket for later. Both having satisfied their cravings, they continued to Aunt Florella's house.

Aunt Florella greeted them at the door. 'Mind your boots,' she trilled. 'And put away your brollies. Greatuncle Bothwick brought that Elephant's Foot Umbrella Stand all the way from far Hindustan back in the Raj. It's an heirloom, but also useful.'

Harold put his perfectly dry umbrella in the offensive object, muttering, 'As long as it rains, there'll always be an England, Gawd help us. Nobody in the family wanted that thing. They've passed it 'round like a hot potato for years.'

To distract the old lady from Harold's impolitic remark, Hortense said quickly, 'Oh, Auntie! What is that electronic thingy you've got in the living room? Have you finally succumbed to the Xbox rage?'

'Me? Never!' sniffed Aunt Florella. With a sweeping gesture, she indicated her new purchase. 'I bought this wonderful game at the antiquities auction at Sotheby's. It's called a Cathode Ray Tube Amusement Device! Isn't it wonderful?'

Just then, Hortense and Harold noticed muffled shouting from the next room, interspersed with thumping close to floor level, as if two men old enough to know better were beating each other with rolled-up newspapers. Aunt Florella chuckled. 'Uncle Hubert and Cousin Jeremy are playing Are You There, Moriarty? again. They're so literary.'

'I wish we'd stayed at the playground,' whispered Harold. 'It's more civilized.'

Now, haven't you learned a lot this month? What's that you say? Well, some people are just too hard to please.

Dmitri Gheorgheni

31.08.15 Front Page

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