h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I wrote in 2011 about how I pull my hair when I'm stressed, and about how it is a somewhat pleasureable pain to do it. This year, after reading 2legs' journals, I got to thinking about pain and pleasure again, in a slightly different way. Perhaps 2legs will happen to see this and add his thoughts.

My thoughts are that I struggle to be good enough, so feel that I have to be punished in some way to make things better. I think that 2legs being is absolutely nothing to do with actual punishment and more to do with feeling sensations strongly.

My darling stops me from hurting myself and reassures me that I'm not bad I also feel small sensations strongly - loud sounds hurt my ears, for example, and I sense light touches quite powerfully.

Ach, I'm not sure I really made the point my brain was trying to express since Friday but hopefully I feel better for saying it...

[Amy P]

damnit... I thought I'd subscribed to your page, so I'd see these as and when you write them clearly I didn't

Yes... For me, the 'pain', of a caining, spanking, or well, whatever it might be, isn't* about, or of/because of, teh 'pain' of the thing, in fact, I've a fairly low pain threshold in many/some ways
Although, perhaps partly, at least it is; afterall I guess endorphines and suchlike are released, from* the pain, although I suspect these are small level things, in comparason to the err... in comparson to the other things that induces endorphins release, during a... caning or wahtever one might want to call it

Actually. I can put that a lot simpler; Its all about waht is happening 'in my head', in combination with (as they're connected), to how I know its making William feel, when he's doing it; The actual physical stuff, the pain, the caining, a torse, whatever it might be, is very much secondary... William and I have talked about this a lot; Afterall I can never* imagine myself caining, or otherwise inflicting pain on another person; that just isn't* me at all, though I can try grapple with why, and how William (or anyone else for that matter), can take pleasure from doing so; again, for William at least, its not* about 'inflicting pain' on another person; its far more about his having someone, such as myself, who is so willing to submit, so totally (or at least as totally as I can), to he; especially I think, for us, as in reality I'm far stronger, taller, 'bigger built', etc., than William; if someone who didn't know us saw a photo of us standing together, and was asked to 'pick the dom and the sub', they'd almost certainly pick the entirely wrong way round... Its a really hard thing to try disect though, to deliminate and explain why, or even how it works, especially I guess, as it works very differntly for each of the two involved partys, though, of course, the end result for each, is I guess kinda simular I have to show great trust, in submitting to somone, which means I have to have great respect, as well as trust in them, and feel very* confedent to do so, otherwise it really won't work for me.. My pleasure, I guess, as much as anything, is in the same as William's, albeit in revers; I take the pleasure from being able to submit, and give up power/control, err, (another word here I can't quite think of), so totally... surrender control and command of myself, to another person... Certainly, I guess, its taht, as much as anything, which gets me into what I think is waht people call 'sub space', its a very strange... sort of dream-like, in some ways, but ultra high-definition full technicolour, in other ways, state of mind... very hard to discribe really! It does work so well with William, because of our love, and certainly when I've done simular things with other people; with no real* emotional connection... it is more* to do solely with the sensations, and I guess therefore the 'pain' in itself, which makes it all the less an experience and less enjoyible, I've found, when its not happening with as full an emotional connection between the err partys involved
((did I gdo it?; did I keep that clean? I did* try )

In my mind pain and pleasure are very definitely separate. Pain really isn't my thing at all. Although I kinda like that muscle pain you get the day after exercising .

It's nice you have someone to watch over you and reassure you

2Legs, that was very well put. As I said, I don't get pain myself, but your description of what happens between you and William was actually quite romantic.

Deb

thanks... and kick me if I'm taking over in this thread
It is* very romantic... we each do it out of our love for each other. I'd not be able to, and hvne't ever had as much trust, and love, as I do with William, and it is with him, that the sub/Dom things really* ake sens, and work so well... Neither of us goes in for the ultra extreme stff, that one can sometimes read aobut.... some BDSM stuff is just too 'prescriptive' too; either of us would get much out of us spending hours tieing up, for the bondage type stuff, of that* nature... and 'my bondage' is 'to him', and not* being physicaly tied up or simular, I think works better, as its 'better in my head', as its not needed, as my submittion is so willing, yet 'total'... Hmmm... if that makes sense

I think a lot of people when taking about all that* stuff, the BDSM, bondage, disaplin, etc., get all far* too serious about it all... one is, afterall meant to be having fun... anythig that carrys a serious risk, or even likelyhood of one or the other requiring a trip to A&E... nah... too silly, and not silly* in a good way and it is all about having fun at the end of the day, being able to laugh at oneself (often midway through doing something, when oops... that wasn't meant to happen ( ensueing laughter and giggles might slightly ruin 'the moment', but its kinda fun anyhow)

A lot of it, I think, and certainly for me, it is about 'dressing up', its the 'make believe', its the 'play' in the 'role play', it is make believe... Even if, the desired result is a kind of tricking onself or at least ones mind, ah that it is* rea.... despite my knowing William ain't ever going to really* hurt me tha* bad, yes it becomes the 'trhill' of the 'fear', along with the actual what is hpapening... I ugess at least though, for me, it needs to be 'real enough', so... yes the pain bit must be there, and play a part in it, and be real* ... well... I've been home a few days, and I've still a few bruises left (then again I think I always bruise quite easily actually) Its kinda the same for me, with my cross-dressing, kinda hard for my to even understand at some levels; I don't really* have a desire 'to be a woman', I'm never going 'to pass as awoman', and I doubt I'd ever pluck up the courage to even go out dressed fully* en-fem... But when I do it... It can really change my entire mind/thinking, and I really can't decribe qite how... maybe its partly a submittion thing again, too... in a strange way Whatever it is, it does make me feel so utterly differnt 'in my mind', when I do it... I really oughta be putting this into my journal not here!

Thanks Deb I am very lucky to know someone so lovely - for many years I never imagined I would, so I'm still quite amazed even after more than two years!

Thanks for visiting 2legs I appreciate your comments. Very interesting, thank you - much more complex than I had thought in my original post, sorry...

I can identify with a lot of what you say, in my own little way - trust is very important for me and my DF too; what's in our heads when we're together is mostly what we're about; and we sometimes have "oops... that wasn't meant to happen" moments that cause laughter to ensue as well!

Interesting too about what you say about gender - that was a key thing for me and DF as well, getting the gender right for the sensations to be right... (I mostly cross-dress, and pass sometimes, but my actual gender identity is somewhere in the middle). Luckily, DF and I can talk about things very well, so we can work to understand each other and hence trust each other

thanks... Defiatly I find being able to talk about all this stuff with William very helpful, and he's very understanding, in some ways we're very simular, but in others very differnt, and certainly from the gender-identity thing, I'm probably something of a variable entertiy over time, maybe one day I'll figure it out... or perhaps not... I'm less worried either wa, than perhaps onc I was; When younger I wanted* or needed* to know 'what I was', amI gay, straight, bi, or.... etc., etc., am I CD, transgendered, somewhere in the middle, or soemthing else (I can't even keep up with all the various catogrys of this stuff, anymore!), Spent too much time worrying over 'what I was', rahter than just 'being what I am'... labels are fine sometmes, soemtimes they're helpful... I think now I'd be more pleased, if I solidly never* fitted to any label... be my own unique... wahtever the ell that might be I rarely dress 100% male these days, though its not often necessarily openly visable that this is the case, and somtimes I go through periods where I don't cross-dress at all, or incredibably rarely, yet at other times, it is very rare, as I say for me to be 100% in male clothing... I guess maybe variable is about right for me perhaps
I do recall cross dressing when very young, though, so I think it is maybe something that goes back a long way, whether that bares any meaning to anything now, I dunno... perhaps, perhaps not... heck, I went through whole years of my teenage years solely 'chasing after Women/girls', so perhaps stuff oe does when young isn't necessarily that meaningful to where one ends up Pah... it'd be boring to be solidly the same, and unchanging, in ones life, forever... a few years as a student... a few years being bi, a while being straight, somehwat too long for my liking being overweight then soemthin else... or a variation on something that had been before...

I know.

its obvious! there's only one 'label' for someone who reinvents themsevels constaly; I'm Madonna!

sorry... as you were hmmm... I'm also very bad at taking anything too seriously, for too long in one go which is, I guess, for me at least, why finding William was quite a shock... but... yeh, maybe that's my next re-invention, a someone mrried... just so long as I on't have to act all sensible... all the time

Well said indeed

"Defiatly I find being able to talk about all this stuff with William very helpful, and he's very understanding, in some ways we're very simular, but in others very differnt"



"Spent too much time worrying over 'what I was', rahter than just 'being what I am'..."

I do that, yes - I have known for a long time what I'm not, but I did feel the need to try to find out what I was - I read a big book and found out that I was a bit like a lot of different people in history, so overall I am not alone in many aspects, but I am unique, too

I'm working on not worrying about what other people think I should be and just 'being what I am' and I'm doing a lot better at it this year

Oh... definately... I guess we're all worried to some extent what other people think... we do our hair before we go out... shine our shoes... make sure our shirt is tucked in, or just try to remember not to talk to ourselves whilst in Tesco's... and the same is true about any aspect to our lives or personalitys... I can't ever imagine going out cross-dressed... is that because I don't want to do it, don't feel strongly enough I 'want to be female', in 'that way', or is it more because I'm just worried about 'not fitting in','attracting attention', not appearing normal', nah, I've no idea, that was a bit retorical same goes for other stuff I guess...

It really is very silly, even now, and I@m meant to be an old grown up person and everything, but, to be honest, I find public displayes of affection, between William and I, very awkward... I 'don't like them', and I know, I shouldn't feel like that; I'd have no trubble at all, about a simular set of afections being demonstrated between myself, and a female partner (were I to have one)... I guess its just 'subjective norms', and 'societial norms', which I've grown up with, eespceially when younger, and which have engrained themsvels into my brain and suchlike... but.. yeh, I just find it awkard... socially, kinda if that makes sense

Maybe one day I'll be truely zen, and really just not 'give a fig', about 'other peoples perceptions', and 'just be me', though, I guess partly beceause of wahtever hangups I have, and how I've been 'conditioned' over my life etc., I'm not entirely sure w that 'be me', me, would actually be! so ... in the meantimes... I just get on... seems to be working OK though <

Also, I think partly, I'm not 'just one thing'. I can be, love to be, and am* submissive. With William sometimes, so* much so, and with other people, I have been simularly, in teh past. But, and even with Wiliam, we are equals, for 99% (or whatever it might be), of the time; I@m not some timid, subservient submissive when I@m in teh shops... walking down the street, having an arguement about the finer points of some random bit of grammer or English usage, or, well, whatever... I'm not 'a sissy' when I@m in the pub with my mates... then I'm just me, or one of the lads, or whatever... but I don't think one of those is more* me, than the other... I just am both... I guess I'm a fairly ordinary guy in so many ways, yet not, in so many others Like I said, I think... one thing, one flavour, that would just be boring... even if bein multi-flavoured can make things a bit more complicated than otherwise they might be hmmm... not sure the 'flavour' analagy works...
ONe day... I might 'settle down', be 'one thing'... but somehow I doubt it I'm equally at home cross-dressed in a cocktail bar/gay club, or just in my r regular male clothes, discussing the finer points of obscure real ales, with a bunch of bearded sandle wa wearing beer-geeks in a back street pub... hat

Well said, yet again

I guess I am quite lucky, that I cross-dress but in a unisex sort of way, so people generally see me as they see me and they're happy with that, and so am I. I'm a bit wary of public displays of affection, too - my parents aren't ones for holding hands in public or anything, so that has influenced me, but I also don't want to 'attract attention' from other people... Doesn't always stop me, though especially if DF and I are only going out together in the day - I do like our goodbye kiss

Very good point about how we all have different identities for different situations so we are still ourselves but just put on different aspects depending. Makes me feel better about being 'somewhere in the middle' - I don't need to fix myself to one aspect, as I am variable and that's fine. Plus I have found that people often don't react in the way I fear, and don't mind about the aspects of my identity that I happen to reveal, so that has helped me a lot recently to be more proud of who I am

Oh... yes... and having said which, Its not like I ever pull back from a goodbye kiss with William we got a fabulus 'knowing look', as William described it, a month or so back... when it went on a bit longer than perhaps intended.... standing sort of on my doorstep; Underneath my house are shops; and the knowing looks were from a guy who works in the hairdressers nextdoor Whic is another thing... afterall, and for almost anything, relaly, I quite frankly couldn't care ess what other people think, about me, etc... just soemtimes I guess I do... or something
I think, perhaps also, in some ways, the dressing/clothing thing, I've just kinda worn the same general kind of clothes since I was in my early teens... always worn shirts, ot tee shirts, black jeans, boots useually, a leather jacket of some description etc... so I'm pretty comfortable wearing that I guess... Just nowdays I sometimes feel even more comfortable, wearing something less like what I'd have worn when 16 years old, under my outer clothing
Also, really, I think in some ways, for me, perhaps its a lot less about the cross-dressing, than it is about just 'how I feel', or 'who I am', 'inside'.... true soemtims the female clothing is an outward reminder, or indication of that*, but it doesn't form that 'waht I am inside', or alter it, so in some respects, its kinda irrelivent to it, whether I'm wearing a formal bisuness suit, smart shoes, and tie, an old pair of jeans, army boots and a shirt, with my trilby hat, or, indeed dressed up in heels, a pleated skirt, corset and top, with makeup on... hmmm. if that makes sense

The differn identity thing wors on so many levels; How one talks to a school friend from back when we were 13 or 14, how one talks to parents, or great arnt Agatha, how one talks to the bloke on the phone, in the distant call center trying to sell us soemthing, or how one talks to a stranger in a sop, or a familiar sho-assistant... each tends to be differnt, in some way or another... andso it is, I think, with most of our life; whch changes over time too;how I ate, and what I ate, ten years ago... five years ago, twenty years ago... how I 'felt' about eating... how I felt about music, how I feel about the same music now, differnt situations, same 'things', but dffernt times... all of it meas we react and interact differntly...

I was out tonight, being my 'very normal boring self'. a meal wih the people who I do ten pin bowling with... To them, I'm a fine and upstanding, albeit, heavy drinking (which I'm not now, not really anyymore), person... I@m just a 'regular guy', etc... talking about traffic in town upcoming hristmas and waht everytone is doing etc... I did mention I'd be spending Christmas here, this year, but 'with a friend',... but to them, cetainly yet/at the moment, asides anything else, it'd be a bit too complicated and long-winded, to suddenly explain the person in question is my fiance (yes, with one E), etc., etc., yet, in many other ways of course, I always wish people did* just know, as it'd make life easier in some ways, not like I'm hiding it away, but, well, I guess it just hasn't come up in conversation or seemed a thing to jut 'tell them', as it were
Later on in the week, I'll be out one evenign with a good friend I've known for years, an someting more of the 'heavy drinking' going on... proabably varios chats with beer geeks, about beer, etc... all very boring, predictible etc... But they prbably don't need let alone want to know waht me and my friend may* be getting up to after the pub (Oh, and yes, befor you ask, William and I have an open relationship, have had from the start, which works very well for us)
hmmm... not sure if I had a point I was aiming for there... and if so what it might have been
ahh.. yeh, differnt aspects to our personas, at differnt times, with differnt people; with differnt 'audiences' I guess... and how even that level of variation itself, then varys again, over time... I think...