Spade meets Colin
Created | Updated Mar 7, 2013
Below is another exceprt from my story about Spade, which is still a work in progress. I've decided to post another bit of it to see what kind of feedback I may get. Any and all comments would be greatly appreciated.
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As Z opened the front door to her apartment she called out “Colin, I’m home.”
A high pitched metallic voice responded “Welcome home Z,” and from some other room a robot appeared, scurrying into the living room on four legs, its vertical three foot cylindrical body shifting left and right as it moved. Its domed top appeared to be set with four glass half-orbs and spun independently of its body and legs. Spade realized that those were its eyes, set around the dome like compass points. Suddenly it stopped, arms tucked up against its body, like a praying mantis about to strike. Now with two eyes seemingly focused on Spade, he found the robot far too insect-like and began backing away into the hall. Z looked back and saw Spade moving away from Colin.
“Oh don’t worry about Colin here. As long as you don’t try anything funny,” Z smirked, “he won’t hurt you.” Z threw her bag onto the couch and continued to walk towards the kitchen. Colin continued to approach Spade, obviously intent on inspecting this newcomer. “Colin, meet my friend Spade.”
Colin chirped, “Hello friend” and continued to move closer.
Spade looked at Z quizzically. “Hurt me? I thought you said domestic robots couldn’t attack humans?” Spade stopped just inside the doorway. Colin stopped as well.
Z shrugged, “They can’t. Well, stock models can’t. Well they’re not supposed to be able to. Some are programmed to defend but their defensive nature is only triggered as a reactive response. They can’t anticipate the need for defense. And even in defense, they can’t physically strike out at an attacker, only ward off blows or incapacitate them with a taser or something like that. In any case, any action they take is meant to be non-lethal. Of course, any programming can be illegally modified and I figured, since I don’t exactly live my life on the right side of the law, what would be the harm in upgrading Colin’s security functions.”
Spade took a few steps into the room and eyed Colin suspiciously as the robot circled around him, “So Colin can attack and hurt people?”
“If I want him to, yes. Or if he decides he needs to – let’s say I’m physically hurt and for some reason I can’t give a command. If Colin determines I’m being harmed by something, he’ll physically attack that thing and defend me from further harm until either help arrives or he’s destroyed whatever it was that was hurting me. Or if he judges a situation and determines that some entity is about to cause me harm, he can initiate an attack – first strike, so to speak.” Z called out, “Colin, come here please.”
Colin kept two of his eyes on Spade as he scurried over to where Z was standing in the kitchen. It came to a stop next to her and silently stood sentinel, waiting for another command. Z patted the robot on its head, “It took me a long time to save up enough to buy him and then upgrade him with an attack-hack. But it’s come in useful more than once and against the sort of people who aren’t likely to report me to the authorities for having an attack-bot. Right Colin?”
“Yes Z. Although some of my functions are illegal, I utilize those functions only with the utmost discretion.”
“And I appreciate that Colin.”
“You’re welcome.”
Spade watched in amazement. This was the first robot he had seen up close and interacted with. To hear it speak in that high pitched, almost child-like voice was rather unnerving; as was its courteous nature. He closed the door behind him and walked over to one of the bar stools at the kitchen island. He could see that Colin’s optic sensors, its eyes, were still following him. Z stood looking down on Colin with a smile. “A bit like a pet isn’t he?”
Z thought for a moment as she moved to the stool next to Spade, Colin at her side. “A bit like a pet except without the emotional responses you get from pets.”
“So Colin has no emotion at all?”
“Well, I guess it’s depends on how you define emotion,” Z explained. “Whatever we might observe as emotion is merely part of his programming. He sounds happy and pleasant because I want him to sound that way. He even sort of worries about me but that’s an outward indicator of his programmed need to search for my location after long absences. If I’m gone too long without a check-in, he’ll even try to find me. He isn’t really anxious or worried in the way a human can be; it’s just part of his programming. Robots are just easier to deal with when they appear to have some level of emotion. The fact is, I’m incredibly fond of Colin but the feeling isn’t reciprocated in the same way. I have a few hamsters in my room that Colin takes care of when I’m out for a while. When I come in and they see me, they respond with genuine emotion, usually because I let them out and play with them or give them snacks, and it’s pretty obvious they’re excited to see me. So I’m genuinely happy to see them and they’re genuinely happy to see me, too. I could program Colin to act excited when I walk in the door but it would be just that, a programmed response.”
Spade thought about this. It still bothered him that the little robot had a voice. “Colin, do you enjoy being Z’s robot?”
Z was surprised by Spade’s sudden question and the look on her face told Spade that she might have even felt hurt by it. Colin responded, “As an artificially intelligent robotic Domestic Assistant I have no specific preferences except for those that are predefined within my core logics. However, I understand the question and I can answer that Z is a responsible owner – she has never asked me to perform a task that is obviously beyond my functional capabilities nor does she neglect my needs in regards to maintenance and upgrades. She has never taken action against me that would cause deficiencies in my functionality. By analogous reasoning and in understanding what is meant by “enjoy” in regards to human enjoyment, as opposed to what a human may find un-enjoyable or disagreeable, it can be said that I enjoy being Z’s robot.”
“By analogous reasoning, huh?” Spade looked up from Colin to see Z smiling.
“He’s a really good robot.” Z patted Colin on the head. “Colin, would you mind making up some sandwiches for us?”
“Certainly.” Colin scuttled into the kitchen, raising itself up taller on its mechanical and all-too spider-like legs so that he could be clearly seen on the other side of the kitchen island. “Would you care for your usual sandwich Z?”
“Yes please.”
Colin then turned his attention to Spade, who suddenly found Colin less creepy and more amusing. “And what kind of sandwich would you like?”
“I’m not sure, actually. Why don’t you make something and surprise me.” Colin immediately moved to the opposite counter and began to quickly use one arm to access the refrigerator, gathering what was needed, while the other expertly assembled the sandwiches. Spade watched intently, fascinated by the robots speed and dexterity. Z only watched Spade.
“You know I’ve never tried to let Colin make me a sandwich of his choosing.” Spade tore away his gaze to look at Z. “I’ve always just told him what I wanted. He’s never decided for himself what he should make me. I really have no idea what kind of sandwich you’re going to get. He may end up giving you a weird concoction of blueberry jam, pickles, mustard, and onions for all I know.”
Suddenly Spade was feeling rather regretful at letting Colin decide. He very much doubted he would like blueberry jam, pickles, mustard, and onions on the same sandwich. To his relief, that is not what was on the plate set in front of him. However, aside from the bread, which appeared to be wheat, and the lettuce, tomato, and spinach, Spade wasn’t entirely positive as to what meat was used. He looked at Z. She smiled, “It’s roast beef,” she leaned over and lifted the top slice of bread, “With horseradish and cheddar cheese.”
Z turned back to her own sandwich, picked it up, and said, “And this is my favorite: pastrami with chicken liver pâté, onions, and mustard.” Z helped herself to an oversized bite as Spade looked on with a mix of horror and amusement. As she finished chewing her first bite, she noticed Spade staring. She swallowed, “What? It’s not animal meat, of course. It’s all lab grown and synthesized, remember?”
Spade laughed, “Well that wouldn’t bother me at all, remember? In fact, I happen to like real chicken livers although I don’t know what pâté or pastrami is.”
“Then why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because . . . I don’t know. It’s just that, you know, you don’t really strike me as the kind of person who would eat something like that.”
This time Z had to laugh. “Too dainty, am I?” She pulled off the first slice bread and showed it to Spade. “You cook the livers in butter and blend it up with other stuff to make this spread. Pastrami is a kind of cured meat. And this is rye bread. With the onions and mustard it definitely makes for a very unattractive sandwich when it comes to the after breath but I find it ridiculously delicious.” Z reassembled her sandwich and took another healthy bite. Spade finally turned his attention to his own sandwich and took a bite. The sensation was quite startling and he coughed, trying not to choke on or spit out the bite. Finally he managed to swallow.
“What is that?”
Z couldn’t contain her laughter, “Oh I didn’t think . . . I’m sorry! The horseradish spread kind of has a kick. Sorry, I should have warned you.”
Spade couldn’t help chuckling as well, “I like radishes all right but I don’t think I’ve ever had one that strong.” Spade wiped the water from his eyes.
“I’m also sorry Spade,” Colin chimed in. “I did not know that you did not know what it was. Would you like me to make another sandwich for you?”
“No that’s quite alright. I like it, Colin. Thank you very much, it’s very good. I just was surprised, that’s all.” Spade was also surprised by how casually he found himself conversing with a robot.
Colin turned to the refrigerator, pulled out something in a bottle and poured it in a glass he had retrieved from the cupboard, then handed Spade the filled glass. “Perhaps this will help.”
Spade took a sip and found that it was some kind of refreshing fruit juice. “Thank you Colin. This is perfect.” He continued to eat his sandwich, taking smaller bites. He couldn’t help taking side glances at the way Z voraciously devoured her own sandwich, never stopping once to enjoy the juice Colin had also given her. Spade smiled and ate as Colin, seeing that he was no longer needed for the time being, crawled off to check on the hamsters.
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As Z opened the front door to her apartment she called out “Colin, I’m home.”
A high pitched metallic voice responded “Welcome home Z,” and from some other room a robot appeared, scurrying into the living room on four legs, its vertical three foot cylindrical body shifting left and right as it moved. Its domed top appeared to be set with four glass half-orbs and spun independently of its body and legs. Spade realized that those were its eyes, set around the dome like compass points. Suddenly it stopped, arms tucked up against its body, like a praying mantis about to strike. Now with two eyes seemingly focused on Spade, he found the robot far too insect-like and began backing away into the hall. Z looked back and saw Spade moving away from Colin.
“Oh don’t worry about Colin here. As long as you don’t try anything funny,” Z smirked, “he won’t hurt you.” Z threw her bag onto the couch and continued to walk towards the kitchen. Colin continued to approach Spade, obviously intent on inspecting this newcomer. “Colin, meet my friend Spade.”
Colin chirped, “Hello friend” and continued to move closer.
Spade looked at Z quizzically. “Hurt me? I thought you said domestic robots couldn’t attack humans?” Spade stopped just inside the doorway. Colin stopped as well.
Z shrugged, “They can’t. Well, stock models can’t. Well they’re not supposed to be able to. Some are programmed to defend but their defensive nature is only triggered as a reactive response. They can’t anticipate the need for defense. And even in defense, they can’t physically strike out at an attacker, only ward off blows or incapacitate them with a taser or something like that. In any case, any action they take is meant to be non-lethal. Of course, any programming can be illegally modified and I figured, since I don’t exactly live my life on the right side of the law, what would be the harm in upgrading Colin’s security functions.”
Spade took a few steps into the room and eyed Colin suspiciously as the robot circled around him, “So Colin can attack and hurt people?”
“If I want him to, yes. Or if he decides he needs to – let’s say I’m physically hurt and for some reason I can’t give a command. If Colin determines I’m being harmed by something, he’ll physically attack that thing and defend me from further harm until either help arrives or he’s destroyed whatever it was that was hurting me. Or if he judges a situation and determines that some entity is about to cause me harm, he can initiate an attack – first strike, so to speak.” Z called out, “Colin, come here please.”
Colin kept two of his eyes on Spade as he scurried over to where Z was standing in the kitchen. It came to a stop next to her and silently stood sentinel, waiting for another command. Z patted the robot on its head, “It took me a long time to save up enough to buy him and then upgrade him with an attack-hack. But it’s come in useful more than once and against the sort of people who aren’t likely to report me to the authorities for having an attack-bot. Right Colin?”
“Yes Z. Although some of my functions are illegal, I utilize those functions only with the utmost discretion.”
“And I appreciate that Colin.”
“You’re welcome.”
Spade watched in amazement. This was the first robot he had seen up close and interacted with. To hear it speak in that high pitched, almost child-like voice was rather unnerving; as was its courteous nature. He closed the door behind him and walked over to one of the bar stools at the kitchen island. He could see that Colin’s optic sensors, its eyes, were still following him. Z stood looking down on Colin with a smile. “A bit like a pet isn’t he?”
Z thought for a moment as she moved to the stool next to Spade, Colin at her side. “A bit like a pet except without the emotional responses you get from pets.”
“So Colin has no emotion at all?”
“Well, I guess it’s depends on how you define emotion,” Z explained. “Whatever we might observe as emotion is merely part of his programming. He sounds happy and pleasant because I want him to sound that way. He even sort of worries about me but that’s an outward indicator of his programmed need to search for my location after long absences. If I’m gone too long without a check-in, he’ll even try to find me. He isn’t really anxious or worried in the way a human can be; it’s just part of his programming. Robots are just easier to deal with when they appear to have some level of emotion. The fact is, I’m incredibly fond of Colin but the feeling isn’t reciprocated in the same way. I have a few hamsters in my room that Colin takes care of when I’m out for a while. When I come in and they see me, they respond with genuine emotion, usually because I let them out and play with them or give them snacks, and it’s pretty obvious they’re excited to see me. So I’m genuinely happy to see them and they’re genuinely happy to see me, too. I could program Colin to act excited when I walk in the door but it would be just that, a programmed response.”
Spade thought about this. It still bothered him that the little robot had a voice. “Colin, do you enjoy being Z’s robot?”
Z was surprised by Spade’s sudden question and the look on her face told Spade that she might have even felt hurt by it. Colin responded, “As an artificially intelligent robotic Domestic Assistant I have no specific preferences except for those that are predefined within my core logics. However, I understand the question and I can answer that Z is a responsible owner – she has never asked me to perform a task that is obviously beyond my functional capabilities nor does she neglect my needs in regards to maintenance and upgrades. She has never taken action against me that would cause deficiencies in my functionality. By analogous reasoning and in understanding what is meant by “enjoy” in regards to human enjoyment, as opposed to what a human may find un-enjoyable or disagreeable, it can be said that I enjoy being Z’s robot.”
“By analogous reasoning, huh?” Spade looked up from Colin to see Z smiling.
“He’s a really good robot.” Z patted Colin on the head. “Colin, would you mind making up some sandwiches for us?”
“Certainly.” Colin scuttled into the kitchen, raising itself up taller on its mechanical and all-too spider-like legs so that he could be clearly seen on the other side of the kitchen island. “Would you care for your usual sandwich Z?”
“Yes please.”
Colin then turned his attention to Spade, who suddenly found Colin less creepy and more amusing. “And what kind of sandwich would you like?”
“I’m not sure, actually. Why don’t you make something and surprise me.” Colin immediately moved to the opposite counter and began to quickly use one arm to access the refrigerator, gathering what was needed, while the other expertly assembled the sandwiches. Spade watched intently, fascinated by the robots speed and dexterity. Z only watched Spade.
“You know I’ve never tried to let Colin make me a sandwich of his choosing.” Spade tore away his gaze to look at Z. “I’ve always just told him what I wanted. He’s never decided for himself what he should make me. I really have no idea what kind of sandwich you’re going to get. He may end up giving you a weird concoction of blueberry jam, pickles, mustard, and onions for all I know.”
Suddenly Spade was feeling rather regretful at letting Colin decide. He very much doubted he would like blueberry jam, pickles, mustard, and onions on the same sandwich. To his relief, that is not what was on the plate set in front of him. However, aside from the bread, which appeared to be wheat, and the lettuce, tomato, and spinach, Spade wasn’t entirely positive as to what meat was used. He looked at Z. She smiled, “It’s roast beef,” she leaned over and lifted the top slice of bread, “With horseradish and cheddar cheese.”
Z turned back to her own sandwich, picked it up, and said, “And this is my favorite: pastrami with chicken liver pâté, onions, and mustard.” Z helped herself to an oversized bite as Spade looked on with a mix of horror and amusement. As she finished chewing her first bite, she noticed Spade staring. She swallowed, “What? It’s not animal meat, of course. It’s all lab grown and synthesized, remember?”
Spade laughed, “Well that wouldn’t bother me at all, remember? In fact, I happen to like real chicken livers although I don’t know what pâté or pastrami is.”
“Then why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because . . . I don’t know. It’s just that, you know, you don’t really strike me as the kind of person who would eat something like that.”
This time Z had to laugh. “Too dainty, am I?” She pulled off the first slice bread and showed it to Spade. “You cook the livers in butter and blend it up with other stuff to make this spread. Pastrami is a kind of cured meat. And this is rye bread. With the onions and mustard it definitely makes for a very unattractive sandwich when it comes to the after breath but I find it ridiculously delicious.” Z reassembled her sandwich and took another healthy bite. Spade finally turned his attention to his own sandwich and took a bite. The sensation was quite startling and he coughed, trying not to choke on or spit out the bite. Finally he managed to swallow.
“What is that?”
Z couldn’t contain her laughter, “Oh I didn’t think . . . I’m sorry! The horseradish spread kind of has a kick. Sorry, I should have warned you.”
Spade couldn’t help chuckling as well, “I like radishes all right but I don’t think I’ve ever had one that strong.” Spade wiped the water from his eyes.
“I’m also sorry Spade,” Colin chimed in. “I did not know that you did not know what it was. Would you like me to make another sandwich for you?”
“No that’s quite alright. I like it, Colin. Thank you very much, it’s very good. I just was surprised, that’s all.” Spade was also surprised by how casually he found himself conversing with a robot.
Colin turned to the refrigerator, pulled out something in a bottle and poured it in a glass he had retrieved from the cupboard, then handed Spade the filled glass. “Perhaps this will help.”
Spade took a sip and found that it was some kind of refreshing fruit juice. “Thank you Colin. This is perfect.” He continued to eat his sandwich, taking smaller bites. He couldn’t help taking side glances at the way Z voraciously devoured her own sandwich, never stopping once to enjoy the juice Colin had also given her. Spade smiled and ate as Colin, seeing that he was no longer needed for the time being, crawled off to check on the hamsters.
