No-plant, Dig-only: Cold Dressing

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The NO-PLANT, DIG-ONLY vegetable garden methodology has liberated my freezer and fridge from their horticultural storage duties and hence the accommodation is now a little too ample for my six cans of lager and year old bag of frozen peas.


I have therefore decided to optimize the space by converting them into summer wardrobes.

On a hot summer day, what better way to stay cool than popping open the freezer and pulling out a fresh shirt, some cool socks and a frosty pair of boxer shorts. Although I must warn you, make sure you leave any intimate direct skin-contact clothing standing at room temperature for at least ten minutes, failure may cause a slight burning sensation, followed by frost bite and in extreme cases bits may even drop of.

Bachelors, forget the “do you want to see my etchings line”, a cool wardrobe has a lot more pulling power, but make sure you don’t ask your guests to help themselves to a drink, as the sight of an old pair of torn socks next to the sparkling white may not be the best mood setting experience. Instead, offer them a nice glass of red, pop on a fresh pair of freezer-shorts and ask if they fancy something cold.

I must warn any would-be Romeo that cold garments may cause contraction, hence be prepared for some disappointed looks or heavy laughter. The latter may also lead to extreme blushing, and as vacuum-packed thawing is an exhausting experience you may end up so attired that you are to bloody knackered.

The newest fridges can sense what type of food they are housing and will automatically send an order via internet when running low. Make sure you turn this feature off, otherwise you may come home to some very embarrassing deliveries, besides who’s going to want to eat a union jack coloured trifle that looks like a jockstrap anyhow.

Some features can be very useful, especially if you are away from home, a quick text message and your available apparel appears on your mobile phone. After a few weeks mine adapted itself to my tastes and nowadays it not only advises me on what to wear but even at which temperature .

In fact it is getting so good at it that I have become quite a popular discussion with the ladies, although I suspect that they are only really interested in my Sleeveless Airtight shirts and Push-Pop Trousers. For the girls, I hear it also does a very good line in Frigid Tupperware and Padded See-through Zipper Bags.

So boys and girls follow my NO-PLANT, DIG-ONLY example and turn a boring vegetable garden into a cool dressing experience, and you will always have somewhere to keep your beer cold.

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