Deety's 2012 Gardening Tips

1 Conversation

A man and his two genetically modified plants

Deety's 2012 Gardening Tips.

  • The best advice I can give is to plant and harvest early and don't bother with any late December vegetables.
  • Think Fresh: 2012 is not a good year for preserves. 2012 vegetables are best eaten fresh or sold for cash. Do not give credit or accept long term payments.
  • Horticultural alignment is in fashion this year so place all your vegetables in rows parallel to the equator.
  • For wine grape growers, Vin Nouveau is your best bet to maximize profits.
  • For those of you who don't like vegetables and only eat them for health reasons, then this year is a good time to stop.
  • Use chemical pesticides for a better crop yield and don’t worry about the long term health effects.
  • Garden Furniture: Not a good year to install a Mayan sundial in your garden. It will only make you feel rushed.
  • Magnetic pole shift: for best results plant tomatoes in an upright position and rotate by 11.25 degrees a week for 16 weeks. You can use a standard N-S compass to check their magnetic flux orientation.
  • If you are worried about the effects of reverse earth rotation on your veggies then the north and south poles are classified as slow centrifugal growing areas.
  • Moon phase planting: Note, this year the moon will only have an effect on planting whilst it is still there.
  • In 2012 the saying, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life" is still true although you can be much more precise about "the rest of my life".
  • And remember you will not be the only one to run out of thyme this year.
Alien with Viking hat.
The Post General Features Archive


16.01.12 Front Page

Back Issue Page

Bookmark on your Personal Space

Conversations About This Entry



Infinite Improbability Drive

Infinite Improbability Drive

Read a random Edited Entry

Written by



h2g2 is created by h2g2's users, who are members of the public. The views expressed are theirs and unless specifically stated are not those of the Not Panicking Ltd. Unlike Edited Entries, Entries have not been checked by an Editor. If you consider any Entry to be in breach of the site's House Rules, please register a complaint. For any other comments, please visit the Feedback page.

Write an Entry

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."

Write an entry
Read more