h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Duck!" the Doctor shouted. As one, he and Peri fell flat on the floor. Kaxaar fired his sonic blaster and behind them an Ice Warrior collapsed to the ground,
"Is he dead?" Peri asked as she and the Doctor sprinted away from the Ice Warrior party,
"Oh I shouldn't think so. His bio armour would have cushioned the majority of the blow, but he'll probably be out cold for a few hours, that's all"
The Ice Warriors tried to give chase but their heavy carapace weighed them down so much that it was impossible for he them to keep up with the nimbler life forms.
"Well it looks like we've lost them" the Doctor smiled, before colliding head first with someone else. "Ah, you must be the Rutans"
"We are" the green blob confirmed,
"Doctor" Peri hesitated, backing away from the blob, "Are they violent?"
"Well they're a war like race if that's what you mean" the Doctor replied, climbing to his feet and dusting himself off, "They've been at war with the Sontarans for centuries, or millennia even"
"They made us what we are!" the Rutan snapped, "We did not want war"
"That's what the Nazis said"
"Nazis?" it was hard to tell, due to the fact that it had no face, but the Rutan seemed curious.
"Earth history" the Doctor dismissed it with a wave of his hand, "Now I want some answers to some questions"
"You wonder what human?" the Rutan asked,
The Doctor leant across and whispered into Peri's ear "I think he's talking to you"
"I was talking to you!" the Rutan insisted,
"But you said human"
"But you are human!"
"Am I?" the Doctor asked, scandalised "I wasn't notified"
"Doctor" Peri sighed, crossing her arms impatiently,
"Cease this nonsense!" the Rutan ordered. The Doctor was obviously going to answer but was cut short when one of the Rutans collapsed dead as a sonic blast hit it.
II

A rasping voice came from the distance. "Destroy them but take the time Lord alive!"
The voice belonged to Raxaal.
The Rutan commander turned to his second in command. "Retreat! order back up from our ship!"
Before the second in command could carry out the order he too was shot by a sonic blast and fell smoking to the ground.
The Rutans moved away two of them escorting Peri and another escorting the Doctor. The Doctors guard was shot dead as Peri was carried away.
Raxaal approached with several Ice Warriors. "You will accompany us!" he hissed. [
"Now this really is getting tiresome!" the Doctor complained, "First you catch us then you lose us, then you catch us again, why can't you just keep hold of us for a while? Alien menaces really are going down in quality of late"
"Enough of your patronisation" Raxaar ordered, "Kelyar, Kraxaar, take them to the tomb entrance, I shall interrogate them further there"
"Yes my Lord" the two Ice Warriors bowed in unison, grabbed the Doctor and Peri in their vice like grips and dragged them off.
"Tomb?" Peri asked,
"The tomb of our Lord Saviour Xinal" Kraxaar explained,
"Cease communication with the prisoners" Kelyar ordered. He could see that he was going to have to have words with Kraxaar about prisoner management.
Raxaal stood on the bridge on the Martian landing ship. He triggered a video link with another Ice Lord, Yatarr.
"I am securing the tombs and my men are dealing with the Rutans as we speak, nothing can stop us now."
"Shall I have our forces prepare for war my Lord?"
Raxaal smiled. "Yes, at once once I have released Xinal we can use his power to destroy our enemies and cause a civil war which will make way for a new age!"
The tomb's centre was undeniably grand. The roof arched up higher than anyone, Martian, human or Time Lord could make out. Statues of great Ice Lords stood at regular intervals around the walls and in the centre was a solid glass tube, filled with a thick swirling mist.
Kelyar and Kraxaar had secured their prisoners to one of the gigantic statues. The Doctor was chained to one leg, Peri to the other. The Ice Warriors were standing in a semi-circle around the glass pillar.
"Why aren't they doing anything?" Peri hissed,
"I do believe they are waiting for Lord Raxaar to put in an appearance.
Right on cue the Ice Lord marched into the large room, his green cloak swirled around his armoured form and he was flanked by two of his biggest soldiers.
"Are the preparations ready?" he asked Kelyar,
"They are my Lord, have you made contact with the fleet?"
"I have" Raxaar turned and took in the large tube, "Activate" he breathed in delight.
Kraxaar bowed and turned to a bank of stone controls behind him. He pressed a series of buttons and the mist in the tube began to thin.
"Doctor, what's that?" Peri asked in amazement.
In the centre of the tube a huge figure was becoming visible. It didn't look like any of the other Ice Warriors or Lords. It was far taller and hunchbacked. It's claws looked less like Lego and more like those of a crab.
In it's hand it gripped the largest and grandest sword Peri had ever seen.
"Xinal" the Doctor breathed.