h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

THE LEGEND OF XINAL.
PROLOGUE.
The Legends of Mars speak of a great ruler, the Martian Lord known throughout as Lord Xinal. In his lifetime he led his armies through great victories that took his name forth into the realms of myths. The history books tell how he slay a Scrian Dragon with one whip of his claw. He was however fated to death and so it was that on the battle planes of Gringar whilst the armies clashed all around Xinal and the Gringorian leader, J-Wrath did face off against one another. They fought for fifty days and fifty nights until, tired and wounded, Xinal slew J-Wrath with a slash of his blade. However, Xinal's wounds were extensive and he died later that same day onboard his flagship. His body was returned to Mars where it was sealed within his eternal tomb. It was said that this was the most fiendish tomb in existence and that anyone capable of breaking through and to the inner sanctum could only possibly be Xinal reincarnated. Many tried, but only one ever succeed. This is the tale of that man...

I
The sun broke across the arid red landscape as the Rutan scout ship touched down on the surface of Mars.
"Is the surface clear?" the Rutan captain inquired,
"Surface is clear of life, captain" the pilot confirmed,
"Survey team, disembark. Report back in one standard hour with report on whether planet is alright for colonisation in the name of the Rutan army"
"Yes sir" the pilot turned back to his post and issued the orders.

*

Lord Raxaar of the Martian high council paced his chambers in The Martian space station orbiting Klaritis, a Martian occupied world. Rutans! he thought to himself, on Mars, the fools. He had no respect for Rutans, they were certainly an inferior and weak species, they didn't even have arms!
The Doors to the chamber slid open and a Martian Warrior entered bowing before its Lord. This was Kelyar, one of the finest warriors in the Martian empire, and certainly one of the most skilled and acclaimed.
"My Lord, your orders have been carried out, Your ship is ready to journey to Mars." Kelyar said.
"Good, you assembled your finest troops? Raxaar questioned his servant.
"Yes My Lord."
"And the high council knows nothing of our plans, you knew of my concerns regarding Lixar?" his voice turned to a low hiss.
"No one can stop us, our plans are secure, Lixar was executed, his shuttle destroyed before he could deliver the information to the Council."
Raxaar nodded. "Good, with the tomb in my hands I can re conquer the empire and rule threw force not through politics!" his voice had risen to a grating crescendo, he lowered it.
"But we must move carefully, come we leave at once."
His subordinate nodded and waked out the room followed by Raxaar who swept out elegantly his cloak flowing out behind him.

*

"But Doctor, if this is Mars then how come we can breath?" Peri asked,
"Mars has always had an atmosphere Peri, the British Government discovered that way back in the 70s" the Doctor was sitting on a rocky outcrop, trying to read his battered copy of "The Importance of Being Earnest"
"I didn't know that"
"Well do you really think they'd want NASA or the Soviet Union prancing around on their discovery? First big thing the British did since discovering America"
"But that was a Spaniard"
"Exactly"
"Doctor, what's that?" Peri asked,
"hmm?" the Doctor didn't look up from his book,
"Doctor!" she slouched over to the Time Lord and poked him in the small of his back,
"Own, what was that for?" he asked, rubbing the bruise with the back of his hand,
"What's that?" she asked again, pointing into the sky. The Doctor followed the line of her finger. There was a large, metal bird-like object floating down through the sky towards the ground below.
"It looks like a Martian war rocket" the Doctor said, "But they left Mars eons ago"
"Well maybe they came back"
"Well it's possible I suppose" the Doctor squinted at the object that was coming in to land at an abandoned landing pad, "Shall we take a look?"
"Will it make a difference if I say no?"
"No" the Doctor smiled cheerfully and strolled off towards the landing pad, stuffing the book back into his pocket as he went.
The main ramp of the Martian war rocket slid down and touched the surface of the planet. Several Ice warriors strode down the ramp and assumed positions either side as Lord Raxaal and Kenyal strode down observing their surroundings.
The Doctor and Peri ducked down behind a near by boulder and peaked their heads over to see the Ice Warriors.
"Are they friendly?" Peri asked.
"Well...they are now, they joined the Galactic Federation some time ago, but there have been factions of them which want to revert to their old ways." The Doctor explained.
On the platform Kenyal turned to Raxaal.
"What was that?" he hissed.
"What?"
"I heard something."
Knowing that Kenyal had infallible senses Raxaal waved a hand at the others. "Search the area." he commanded.
"Doctor, there coming this way!" Peri said.
The Doctor peaked over the rock again. "We'll be fine." The Doctor assured her.
They ducked down again to find a Martian sonic blaster aimed directly at them.
"Ah" the Doctor said,
"Lord Raxaar!" the Ice Warrior called, "I have found two aliens"
"Are they Rutans?"
"No Lord, they appear to be humans"
"I am substantially more than a mere human" the Doctor protested indignantly,
"Oh thanks" Peri scoffed, but the Ice Warriors paid no heed to their conversation.
"Bring them with us Kraxaar, I shall interrogate them later"
The Ice Warrior motioned for them to move.
"Doctor, who are these people"
"Ice Warriors" the Doctor whispered, "The native inhabitants of Mars. They were far in advance of your people and even tried invading Earth a couple of times"
"And what are...those things that the guy in the cape asked if we were?"
"Rutans. They're a polymorphic species who've been at war with the Sontarans for centuries now. I don't know what they'd be doing on Mars though"
The Doctor and Peri were brought across he rocky landscape and pushed towards Lord Raxaal.
"You are not Rutans, odd, then why are you here?" he rasped.
"What no small talk, no chit chat, that's the trouble with the universe these days no one takes the time to do a really sinister interrogation." The Doctor said pointing a finger at Raxaal.
"I have no time for your foolish ignorance, why are you here, humans!" Raxaal said looking over them and deducing their species.
"Well, my friend here is human, I am a Timelord." the Doctor said.
"A Timelord? impressive." Raxaal hissed a smile creping across his face.
"Well I do my best." The Doctor shrugged off the comment.
Raxaal waved a hand at Kaxaar. "Destroy them." he turned around and swept away.
Kaxaal raised his sonic blaster at the Doctors head...