h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Having had enough of this chaos The First Doctor moved to the front of the crowds. "SILENCE!" he shouted.
Everyone fell silent as they stared silently at the old man.
"Right, we are going to find a way out of this situation can anyone tell me what is going on!"
"I can!" came the voice of Romana as she pushed her way through the crowds.
"You were all trapped by Time Wraiths and brought here by Rasputaltron so that he could create a new universe and destroy the old one, but a creature called Enigma has taken control and is being helped by The Master, Davros, The Rani and the Meddling Monk!" she said then she took a deep breath exhausted after her speech.
The Seventh Doctor came forward being the only one who had any idea who Rasputaltron was. "Where is Rasputaltron?" he asked looking around.
"He was-" Romana turned but realised he had vanished.
The rest of the Doctors stepped forward.
"So what are we going to do to stop this Enigma fellow?" The Second Doctor said clapping his hands and rubbing them together.
"Shouldn't we find out where he is first?" the Third Doctor said.
"I would say the epicentre." The Fourth Doctor said confidently.
"I would have to agree." The Fifth said.
"We just have to get there!" the Sixth said.
* * * * *
"To the TARDIS!" the Sixth Doctor smiled,
"Um, where is the TARDIS?" Jamie asked,
"Well...it's...um" the Second mumbled looking around.
Suddenly a the familiar flashing groaning sound started up and the TARDIS materialized in the middle of the congregated masses.
"Now did any of you lend your TARDIS to anyone?" Seven asked cheerfully,
"Well did you, mm?" the First asked, taking the question quite seriously.
"No one did," came a cultured voice from the doorway of the TARDIS. The man was about average height with an aristocratic nose, deep grey eyes and locks of rich brown hair.
"And who may you be?" the Fifth asked,
"Well isn't it obvious?" the Fourth asked cheerily stepping forwards and putting a hand on the younger man's shoulder, "He's me! I mean us, I mean..."
"What you mean," said Romana stepping forwards and rescuing the Fourth, "Is that he is the Doctor, presumably in your Eighth regeneration?"
"Of course" the man smiled and nodded at her, "And this is my companion, Fitz Kreiner"
A slightly younger man with tatty leather jacket and messy hair stepped from the darkness of the TARDIS interior,"
"A ruffian I shouldn't wonder" the First said in a disgusted tone,
"Now do you want my help or not?" Eight asked,
"Of course we do" the second said, stepping forwards with a bright smile and clasped hands, "Now if we all filed into the TARDIS then perhaps we can stop this Enigma and Raspu- Rassa- Ricky- well that Skellion fellow?"
Grudgingly the others agreed (though the Seventh and Sixth fought for who entered the TARDIS first)
"I'm older!"
"I'm bigger!"
"I'm smarter!"
"Watch it shorty!"
* * * * *
the ship with Rasputaltron and Mhscca aboard landed at a large base that appeared to be at the epicentre of the new universe. They got off with Rasputaltron held at gunpoint. They entered through some large doors and finally came to what appeared to be a large control room. Enigma was sat in a large chair which swerved to face them as they entered.
"Ah! welcome, I brought you here so that you could see the destruction of the old universe and my ascent to power."
"The Doctor is coming to kill you you know." Rasputaltron said. "He's quite the meddler, I would be careful if I was you."
"Fool! I can destroy the Doctor with a mere raise of my hand, nothing can stop me now!"
Rasputaltron looked on in disgust as Enigma swerved his chair around to face his observation cameras, sure enough Rasputaltron had been right, there on the screen was a blue police box.
Rasputaltron watch, rather nervously it must be said, as the Doctors and their respective companions left the TARDIS and began to work out their attack plan.
"Mhssca!" Enigma called as his chair swung around again,
"Yes master?"
"Do try and keep those prisoners of yours under control"
It was the first time that Rasputaltron had seen Mhssca look shocked, "They are some of the most dangerous convicts in the universe, I cannot merely stop them with one sweep of my hand!"
"Well learn to or I'll have to dispose of your services"
* * * * *
The Doctors and their companions made their way down the winding corridors of the base.
"What are we going to do when we reach this Enigma?" The Second Doctor asked.
"Well, Enigma doesn’t exist in any time so if we destroy this universe we stop his plans." The Seventh Doctor said.
"I can't see us destroying an entire universe but we could seal it up." The Fourth Doctor said.
"Yes, that seems logical, they opened it up so we could close it and trap them inside." The First Doctor said.
"Rasputaltron had the equipment necessary for opening the gateway to this universe, so it makes sense that he would have a copy." Romana said.
"And so would Enigma." The Third Doctor said.
"So it all depends on us finding him then!" The Fifth Doctor said.
Mhscca clamped a control collar around Rasputaltrons neck.
"Just in case you were thinking of leaving us." she said.
He was about to fire an energy bolt at her from his hand but the collar wouldn't let him. He tried to run out of the doors but still the collar prevented him.
"I will destroy you one day Mhscca!" he hissed.
"Not likely." she replied.
"Mhscca," Enigma said swerving around in his chair, "Dispose of the intruders."
"As you wish." she said and she exited the room.
"Stop" the Fourth instructed, holding out his arms so that the other seventeen people (inclduing K9 couldn't pass)
"Just what seems to be the matter, mm?" the First asked stepping forwards,
"I thought I heard something" the Fourth informed himself,
"Was it a sort of knocking, scraping, patting sound?" the Eigth asked,
"Yes, why did you hear it to?"
"No, just wondering,"
"Um, I heard it," said Fitz, poking his head over the shoulders of the Eigth and Second Doctors.
Suddenly the sound rang out again but much louder and twenty tiny grey men armed to the teeth with minitiaure weapons.
"It's the Dooley’s" the Sixth Doctor gasped,
"Who?" Victoria asked in confusion,
"Some of the most feared and dangerous criminals in the known multiverse" the Third explained,
"But they're tiny," Jo laughed,
"Size isn't everything" the Seventh Doctor pointed out. The Sixth Doctor snorted at this, "What?!"
"Oh nothing" the Sixth assured him with a quick hand gesture.
"Let me sort this out Doctor" Jamie insisted, pushing the Third and Fourth Doctors aside to get through,
"Stop!" the Fifth Doctor shouted,
"Come back young man!" the First ordered,
"I'll bring him back" Steven assured them sliding past the First Doctor.
"Oh I don't think so," hissed Mhssca as she emerged around the corner after her captives.
Mhscca fired her blaster at them and they dived for cover around the bend of the corridor.
"You cant run!" she hissed. She moved forward and fired another blast when the doomlyks jumped at her tearing out her circuits and wires. "Stop!" she shouted as the others peeked their heads around the corner to see Mhscca torn into shreds and a mess of wire.
"Good grief!" the Third Doctor said.
The Doomlyks seemed to scatter and scurry beneath there feet until they had vanished from sight.
"I did not see that coming!" the seventh Doctor admitted.
They carried on their journey.
As the Doctors passed by the remains of Mhssca. The wires that composed her were half way between wire and flesh, one of Chekawowe's more ingenious inventions.
Slowly four of the wires extended from the bottom of Mhssca's head and lifted it seven foot up like some form of surreal spider with two more wires held out in front like hands. Her left eye was in tatters but the other was taking in her surroundings.
"I will have vengeance...D-d-d-doctor!"
The two front wires lifted the blaster and shot all twenty of the Doomlyks before turning and following the Doctors and their companions down the passage.
Finally the eight Doctors and there respective companions reached the control point entering through the massive steel doors.
"So here we are." The Second Doctor said as they gazed around.
Rasputaltron was standing in front of them clutching his head and trying to pull the control collar off.
The chair swerved around to reveal Enigma. "I see Mhssca failed in her task." he said.
"Evidently." The fourth Doctor said.
No one noticed Rasputaltron creeping around them until he finally stopped behind the fourth Doctor and Romana who were standing at the back of the crowd. He tapped them both on the shoulder and they turned.
"I do hate to bother you both but would you both but could you please get this collar off me." he said.
"Friend of yours?" The fourth Doctor said turning to face Romana.
She nodded. "Sort of."
The Fourth Doctor raised his sonic screwdriver to the collar and it disarmed and fell to the ground.
"Thank you," he said.
He turned to leave but Enigma had locked the doors. "Ah, oh well if you cant beat them, join them." he shrugged and pushed Steven out of the way so he could stand next to Romana.
"Rasputaltron I pity you!" Enigma spat, "I never saw you as the truly evil type but it seems you've let me down and alas I had thought of sparing you, but no." The body that had once been Barok reached out and depressed a button on the control panel and energy beams racked Rasputaltron's skeletal form and the megalomaniac collapsed to the floor, hugging himself to try and ease the pain. "Now for the rest of you I think," Enigma reached out for a particularly large switch.
/Fzzap/!
Enigma screamed in pain as a laser bolt blasted his hand off. The congregation spun on their heels to face the doorway where the shot had come from,
"Mhssca?" Ace gasped,
"But you died!" Mel pointed out,
"'Fraud not," her mouth twisted into a crooked smile. She raised her blaster again to shoot straight through Enigma's head,
"She's malfunctioning" the Seventh Doctor leaned over to explain to Peri and Ace,
"S-s-s-say grid by-y-y-ye Enishwa" her head jerked erratically as she spoke her slur words, "It’s never mishes"
She fired
Enigmas destroyed body fell to the ground as Mhscca fired again. There was a scream as he died and the body of Barok faded away.
"He's dead." announced the third Doctor.
"But I am no-t-t-t-!" Mhscca said from behind them.
"D-d-diddly-Doctor," some of the synthetic flesh on Mhssca's head was starting to peel away now,
"What Mhssca?" the Seventh Doctor asked stepping forwards,
"The Twadis's that away"
"Thank you Mhssca" the Sixth said solemnly. They all turned to head for the TARDIS except for the First Doctor,
"Are you not coming to my child, mm?"
"W-w-w-whiny?"
"You have as much right to live as anyone else"
"Bit I'n e bylobuit" her language was becoming increasingly more scrambled,
"Yes, but you have a degree of sentiency, you can think for yourself, you can die"
"Yous I villee kinka, bywut ee cragnitshrequeeblegeeble..."
Rasputaltron scrambled to his feet. "If I might intercede this touching moment, we have yet to close the entrance." he hissed.
The First Doctor at him. "Do you take me for a fool! Mhssca my dear would you mind destroying the entrance controls.
Mhssca slurred something and fired a blast at the controls near Enigma's chair. They exploded as an alarm sounded throughout the base.
"Oh dear." the second Doctor said looking around as the noise sounded.
"Get to the Tardis!" The Seventh Doctor shouted as the group ran from the room.
Rasputaltron stumbled after them cursing to himself about revenge and unfulfilled dreams.

The Eigth Doctor led the way back to the TARDIS, fumbling to remove the key from the pocket of his frock coat as he ran.
"Stairs!" Fitz yelled over has shoulder as he the Eigth, Sixth, Fourth and Seventh Doctor leapt down the steps two at a time. The Third, Fifth and Second run down in a more careful manner whilst the First (with the aid of Mhssca and Romana) made his way slowly.
"Wait up!" Rasputaltron yelled as he shot around the corner, missed the first step and crashed down to land in a pile at the bottom,
"Oh do come along" the First insisted in an irritated manner. Mhssca slurred a various array of incomprehensible garbage, "Quite my dear, quite" the Doctor agreed with a scowl in Rasputaltron's direction.
The warning signal sounded again and a female voice announced "Three Minutes Until Entrance Closure"
"We have to dematerialise before the entrance seals" the Eigth Doctor explained on behalf of all of him selves to the companions, "Otherwise we won't be able to pilot the TARDIS back to our dimension"
Rasputaltron snatched halted in front of the crowd.
"Get out of the way!" the sixth Doctor shouted.
"If you would only listen you are missing the point! I could transport you all to the Tardis from here." Rasputaltron snapped.
"How?" the fourth Doctor asked.
"There's not time for that!" the third Doctor said. "Transport us!"
Rasputaltron engulfed the crowd in a swirling vortex of black energy and a second later they arrived at the Tardis.
"You see, my evil demonic powers do come in handy on occasion." Rasputaltron said with a smile.
The Eighth Doctor pressed the switch and the Tardis dematerialised with just enough time to see the entrance close on the scanner with an explosion of energy.

"Well done old chap" the Second Doctor said cheerly, making to pat Rasputaltron on the back but deciding better of it,
"Well done indeed sir"
"Bravo"
"Yes, good show"
"Now to get you lot back to your respective TARDISes" the Eigth Doctor smiled.
Suddenly a high pitched gurgling-screaming sound echoed out from behind the congregation.
They turned to see Mhssca collapse to the ground. The First Doctor bent over her,
"Come on my dear, fight it"
"C-c-c-c...an...t," each syllable was a task beyond understanding, "Damage...irr...irrevocable.. systems...shut...ing...dooowwwwwnn" the light went from her eyes and the head lolled into the First Doctor's arms.
"Is she..." Mel trailed off,
"Dead?" the First Doctor concluded, "Yes my dear. I am afraid so"
"Another senseless killing" the Seventh spat,
"A noble warrior" Rasputaltron agreed.
"I think its time to leave." the seventh Doctor said.
"Indeed." the Eighth Doctor agreed, he pulled a large lever down on the console and what appeared to be some sort of temporal transporter was revealed.
"Shall we?" The Seventh Doctor said stepping onto the device with Ace.
"Well goodbye everyone, it was nice knowing me." With that they faded away as Ace gave a wave.
"I think we should be off next." the Second Doctor said stepping onto the device and beckoning Jamie and Victoria. They gave a wave as they faded away.
"I think I will go next." The Sixth Doctor said dragging Mel along with him she struggled to say goodbye to the others but the Doctor couldn't be bothered, they vanished also.
The Third Doctor and Jo stepped onto the platform as he his eighth selves hand and they faded away.
"Come along Peri no time to waste," the fifth said as they got onto the platform. "Goodbye everyone!" they said as they faded away.
"You waiting till last then young 'un?" the Eigth Doctor asked his First incarnation,
"Yeh come on Doc" Ddodo insisted,
"Now listen hear!" the old buzzard snapped, "A woman has just died, have you no respect?"
Dodo and Steven shrank away,
"Fitz and I'll make certain that she gets a proper burial," the Eigth assured him,
"Well you make sure young man." the First insisted, "Well it's been a pleasure meeting you, and you" he added suddenly remembering that Fitz was present to.
"Goodbye Doctor," Steven waved as he stepped onto the teleporter,
"So who's he?" Dodo asked,
"I'll explain later my child" the First insisted as they dematerialised
The Fourth Doctor, Romana and K-9 stepped onto the transporter as Rasputaltron stepped forward.
"It was nice to have met you Romana, well what I mean to say is... I ..." he fell silent a moment and stepped back.
"I understand." she said with smile.
He nodded as they disappeared from sight.
The Eighth Doctor turned his attention to Rasputaltron. "So what about you?"
Rasputaltron considered for a moment. "I wonder if you could do me a favour and send me forward in time, I have a cunning plan." he smiled stepping forward.
"Oh very well, good luck." the eighth Doctor said with a smirk.
"With What?" the Skellion questioned.
"You'll know when the time comes, I've seen it."
"But how did you-" Rasputaltron faded away.