Dust Jacket (Interview I): Professor Stephen Woolph
Created | Updated Apr 26, 2014
(soaring music fades out)
Kenneth Jupiter: (off mic) ....I’ve certainly never been kissed like that before...and he had such strong hands...
Good evening.
In tonight’s edition of Dust Jacket, I’m speaking to America’s leading business consultant, motivational speaker and self help guru, Professor Stephen “Shep” Woolph. Author of such best sellers as “The Absolutely Definitive Guide to Management”, “The Absolutely Definitive Guide to Management II”, and the seminal 1990’s work; “From Business Whinger to Business Ninja”, Professor Woolph’s thinking has shaped a generation of corporate executives who can’t think for themselves and as author of over 100 books, translated into over 50 languages, his works have been recognised by the WWF as the single largest cause of deforestation in Indonesia.
Professor Woolph is currently Head of Talking at the privately funded Global Centre for the Advancement of Money and we have been lucky enough to catch up with him while he takes a short break from his international book tour, where he is publicising his latest corporate best seller; “Truth: The Sickness of Idiots”.
I’m delighted he’s been able to make time to join us.
Professor Woolph, welcome to Dust Jacket.
Stephen Woolph: A pleasure to be here, Kenneth. I’m very much looking forward to discussing my latest self-enabling optical single-track heuristic framework.
KJ: Sorry?
SW: My book
KJ: Oh, right. Professor Woolph. - May I call you Shep?
SW: No.
KJ: Professor Woolph..........what about Stephen, then?
SW: I don’t think so, Ken.
KJ: Right. Yes.
You have been described as “The Lord of the Board”, and the “Minister of Money” by your many supporters and yet also “The Schmuck of the Buck” by your detractors. Your views and business thinking seem to engender highly polarised reactions. How does this make you feel?
SW: I make no judgement, Ken. I see myself simply as a freelance trouble shooter, providing paradigm-shifting end-state visions within vertical ordered applications to asynchronous platforms. Sometimes triple-buffered. -
KJ: Quite
(off mic) He’s not going to talk like this for the entire interview, is he?
SW: -You see, Ken, I hear so many business managers saying; “our people are our greatest asset”. This is simply wrong. Trust me. People should not be thought of as assets. Buildings are assets, stock and photocopiers are assets. People are people, Ken.
KJ: Yet you are widely known as “Heave-ho Steve-o” within the business community, for championing some of the most extreme employee reduction strategies in corporate history. You simply make people redundant, don’t you?
SW: I prefer the term “Acute Cogent Disintermediatism” myself, but let me explain;
What’s the point of holding onto something in business if it’s not an asset? Get rid of them. It’s not rocket science, Ken. It’s adios, muchachos!
I think it was Gandhi would said; “Let the devil take the hindmost”
KJ: I’m pretty sure he didn’t say that.
SW: Yeah, well, he should have.
KJ: We’ll come to your latest work in a moment, however, I’d like to begin by discussing, if I may, your remarkable career and the journey that led you to this point in your life.
Your family on both sides originate from the Deep South, of course, originally making their fortunes in cotton and tobacco.
Did that heritage influence you in any way?
SW: Growing up in the South taught me many things but most importantly, it taught me the values of family and the values of community. Values that I carry with me to this day.
Of course, my family has a long history of investing in human capital and I see myself very much in that proud tradition.
KJ: Yes. In addition to being plantation owners they were also prominent slave traders, weren’t they?
SW: Only while it was legal, Ken.
No one ever said making money was easy.
KJ: And your uncle is a prominent member of the Klu Klux Klan
SW: Nor maintaining traditional values
KJ: Your childhood could be viewed by an outsider as a heady mixture of adventure without the barriers of accepted social convention. How do you remember it, looking back?
SW: I was a child of the sixties. It was an unbelievable time to be a teenager. Travelling from home to home, then to county jail, child services and finally back to my own home again. Once all the things I’d stolen had been returned to their rightful owners.
I was never once charged, you know. As I said, unbelievable.
KJ: What do you remember of your parents?
SW: They were both great communicators. Always talking to each other; talking, talking, talking. Of course, neither was much at listening so they both usually ended up just shouting over the noise the other was making. They’d often communicate like this all night.
But you could feel the energy. They were the metaphorical fire and ice combination.......or chalk and cheese.....maybe peanut butter and jelly......(distracted now).......people swear they work together but personally, I never liked peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter and jelly, uh? - which idiot thought that pairing would ever work? In fact, I HATE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY!.......BASTARDOS!!
(calms himself)
Of course, such an intense relationship, I can see now, could never survive and ultimately they separated and divorced shortly after.
KJ: Yes, in the divorce papers it was your unreasonable behaviour that was cited by both parties as grounds for divorce
SW: That was found to be inadmissible at the hearing.
KJ: Indeed. The custody battle was also unusual in that neither parent wanted you. Did they?
SW: Yes. Mom and Dad were definitely free spirits at heart, unconstrained by the normal conventions of western society at the time.
KJ: Yet they readily accepted joint custody of your twin brother Chad, without recourse to the legal system. How did that profound personal rejection make you feel as a teenager?
SW: On reflection of that time, it’s clear to me that by that point I had already outgrown the need for the classical family structure and-
KJ: (interrupting)- child services didn’t seem to want you either, apparently
(noise as KJ shuffles through the court papers)
And do you see much of your brother Chad?
SW: What? I’ve learned to keep my distance
KJ: I completely understand. I’m sure it must be very painful to be reminded of those traumatic childhood memories. Any human being would feel the same after such an experience.
SW: No, he took a restraining order out on me. I’m not allowed within 500 feet of him, his trailer or his “precious” wheel chair. I tried to explain to the guy that the car-thing was an accident, but Jeez, some people Ken, some people...
Where was I?
KJ: (off mic) In custody again, perhaps?
SW: -and I therefore, decided following a further short period in care, to dedicate myself and my parent’s money, to learning.
KJ: Yes, following completion of what you’ve described in previous interviews as your “private education”, you enrolled in medical school. Tell me about that decision.
SW: One of the easiest decisions I ever made. I immediately felt right at home surrounded by like minded people.
KJ: The cadavers?
SW: (laughs humourlessly) Careful Kenny, I know Capoeira.
No, joking aside, I found this both an inspiring and deeply fulfilling period of my life. I have nothing but fond memories of that time.
KJ: Yet your fledgling medical career was cut tragically short
SW: I wouldn’t label it tragic, Ken. I went on to much greater things.
KJ: Well, it was tragic for all the people you killed, wasn’t it?
SW: (almost inaudible) Possibly
KJ: You were the first person ever charged, I believe, with killing someone while apparently on duty alone in a hospital morgue?
SW: Let’s move on Kenneth.
KJ: Yes. So, having been struck off and following two protracted and ultimately unsuccessful civil prosecutions......
SW: ...moving on
KJ: Some say, it would have broken any normal man, yet in many ways you seem to, if anything, have grown from this experience. Where did that strength come from?
SW: In all honesty, I just don’t know. I guess I simply drew upon my steely inner moral core to bring me through. I such times, I believe one must draw upon one’s innate inner depth of character.
My faith was also a great source of comfort.
KJ: And it was during this period that the problem drinking and attendant black-outs began, did it?.
SW: Afraid so.
KJ: Yes. So, following a short period of recuperation in Europe, you next turned your attention to motivational speaking. Tell me about that period.
SW: Yes, I decided to leave the US to take stock, reflect and broaden my horizons. Did you know they drive on the other side of the road in England? Jeez, Louise what a place that was! Good job it was a rental. Lousy foreigners! No offence.
Any how, on my return to the States, I had no real game plan. I realised, however, that I had to change and that change could only occur from the inside. I took the time to study the lives and writings of great figures in history and through these to understand the nature of man and the society in which he strives. It was a truly life changing period and provided the ideas and blueprints for much of what was to follow in my career.
Coincidentally, of course, my offices are now right next to the court house where all my trials were held, so really, in the end it, felt like I’d made no journey at all.
KJ: How did the motivational business speaking begin?
SW: I felt I had something to say even if at that time no one wanted to (turn up to) hear me say it. (Audiences were small but highly motivated).
I dabbled with Monocausal Materiality and Diachronic Glocal Processing, as solutions to the problem of Non-synergistic Bandwidth Polymorphism, but ultimately I found these lacked the necessary end-state backward compatibility needed-
KJ: (off mic) Yes, he seems to be doing it again, I’m afraid -
SW: - And of course, it was during this period that I began to develop my own brand of “open-Kimono” management –
KJ: (off mic) -Open what?! –
SW: - theory that led ultimately to the doctrine of Principle-centred Holistic Free Value Imagineering.
KJ: Yes, now, this is the revolutionary business model that first gained you international recognition.
SW: Not revolutionary. Evolutionary. A revolution suggests a circle. Coming back to its origin, ultimately making no progress. Evolution, is always about progress, always moving forward. Always positive.
KJ: Yes, well, not always.
SW: (not listening) Consider a world in which there was no progress, where would we be?
KJ: - evolution wasn’t very positive for the Woolly mammoth, was it?-
SW: - we need to seek new horizons and new challenges, as did our forefathers, such as Cortez and Pizarro, before us. These men are inspirational beacons. They speak to us through time. Not just men who dared. Men who dared to dream.
I see myself very much as walking in the shoes, metaphorically at least, of those early great pioneers. I am merely a humble seeker-
KJ: (under SW and off mic)
-it didn’t do much for the Falkland Island wolf, either come to think of it............or the Madagascan pygmy hippopotamus.......giant moa.............the quagga -.
SW: - of new lands.
As someone once said; “Words build bridges into unexplored regions”, Kenneth.
KJ: Yes, that someone was Hitler.
SW: Really? I always thought it was the Dalai Lama?
KJ: No
SW: Close enough.
KJ: It was during this period that you suffered your first breakdown, wasn’t it?
SW: Yes. I think the work load was simply too much. But that period was one of my most productive. I was able to exploit the time to realise many important self-help works, several of which have gone on to become best sellers.
KJ: Yes. “I hear voices, am I normal?” “The Perfect You”, “The Improved Perfect You” “The Even Better Perfect You“ and “Kidnapping for Beginners”.
SW: I feel it was one of my most creative periods - and I still hold the record for the most books published by someone while involuntarily committed to a mental institution.
KJ: So the public speaking developed, one could argue, as a kind of coping mechanism?
SW: No, not at all. It was actually an alternative therapy in the institution to continuing with the ECT. And of course, I had a captive audience. Most of them, literally.
KJ: What happened following your release?
SW: It seemed some of my writings had found a wider readership than I had realised, during my break. I began to receive invitations from the business community to speak at various corporate seminars.
You see, what most business leaders don’t understand is that a successful company is not about sales, profit and loss-
KJ: - yes I rather think it is -
SW: - it’s about having a compelling vision for your organisation. And that is what I provide through my Principle-centred Holistic Free Value Imagineering seminars.
KJ: Right, we’re back to this are we? What precisely is that?
SW: You see, Ken, you’re making the rudimentary error that so many of my newer clients make, when they are first exposed to this new way of working, or “imagineering”, if you will. You’re simply asking the wrong question.
To get the correct answer, one must begin within the correct question.
KJ: -Oh dear-
SW: So the question, one, in fact, should be asking is not; “what is it?”, the question is; “What is it that it can do for me?” –
KJ: And that’s the right question is it?
SW: Oh yes. At least, it can be, but not always.
It’s the correct question when dealing with Principle-centred Holistic Free Value Imagineering.
It’s entirely the wrong question, however, when dealing with the parallel model of the Virtual Linear Auto-mounting Matrix.
Enabled by Non-volatile Passive Encryption Modalities, of course.
But that’s a whole different set of seminars.
KJ: And people actually pay to listen to this stuff, do they?
SW: Lap it up, Ken. One thousand dollars a seat.
As the saying goes; “the only thing more expensive than ignorance is education”
KJ: I don’t think that’s quite................oh, what’s the point –
So, returning to your burgeoning reputation as a speaker-
SW: Yes. It was through these meetings that I began to share my vision-
KJ: (off mic) – Good grief. Any chance of a cup of tea? -
SW: (not listening) -the process became a virtuous circle. The more seminars I gave, the more influential people I was able to mindshare and ideate with, and the more invitations I received. My career gained a natural momentum. These meetings often proved the genesis of some of my most important works including; “Let’s Do It!,”“Going Beyond Delivery: The Role of the Modern Manager”, “Why Not? Why Not? Why Not? Yeah!” and “Get Out of My Lifeboat!” All of which went on to become best sellers.
I see myself very much in the tradition of the great industrial pioneers of the nineteenth century, transposed into a post modern corporate society.
After all, the writer is the engineer of the human soul.
KJ: I believe Stalin said that
SW: Doesn’t make him a bad guy, Ken.
KJ: Following a further short period of spiritual retreat at a Benedictine monastery for tax purposes and the publication of two more books; “Victory is Ours” and “We Do”, you then undertook a record-breaking a 18 month sell out speaking tour.
Intriguingly, this episode also coincided with another of the most productive periods in your literary career to date, with works including; “Expect More“, “The Wings of Man“, “Stop Searching. Start Travelling“, “Defy Obstacles“, and “Going Beyond Expectations”.
SW: Indeed
KJ: Errr, aren’t they all airline slogans?
SW: And what could be a better subliminal subtext than the power of flight? The Flight of the mind and the flight of the spirit. It’s inspirational. Ken
KJ: It’s plagiarism, Shep
SW: Yeah, but amazingly not one of them is copyrighted. Amateurs.
KJ: (pause). But what really brought you to the attention and hearts of the major corporate community was, what is now regarded as your seminal treatise in the; International Journal of Money; “Honour, Truth, Beauty, Justice, Joy: The Enemies of a Successful Business Culture”
SW: Yes, that work opened a lot of doors for me. Quite ironic really, as I had written the first draft while in the sanatorium, and the nurses wouldn’t open the doors for me there - no matter how much I wrote.
KJ: (off mic, as he accepts cup of tea). Lovely. Thank you very much indeed.
Any biscuits?
SW: - You see, the so-called business Illuminati are so very similar to you and I except, of course, for the immense wealth and the effective immunity from criminal prosecution. Within that milieu, if you will, I see myself very much in the classical tradition of speaking Truth to Power, only without all that pinko commie rhetoric and for a lot more money, obviously.
KJ: In fact one could say you’re on the gravy train with biscuit wheels. (laughs to himself)
SW: What train? We’re not on a train. (pause)
As I was saying, Ken. In essence, I believe in only one thing – the power of human will
KJ: Yes, that’s Stalin again, isn’t it?
It was around this time that you took the decision to create your now famous, some say infamous, business society
SW: Yes. I founded the Association for Retired and Salaried Executives.
KJ: ARSE
SW: We call it The A-R-S-E or “ARE-SAY”, if you prefer.
KJ: I don’t think so, Shep.
In fact your precise financial involvement in this group and its role as a front for insider trading became the subject of an unofficial biography by the New York Times investigative reporter Michael Swinesteiger, entitled; “Stephen Woolph: The President of ARSE”
SW: That is the subject of an on-going legal action
KJ: For defamation?
SW: Niche merchandising rights.
KJ: Right. (long pause)
Your close links with the corporate business world has inevitably brought some strident criticism, as many regard this group amongst the most despised members of society, responsible for incalculable misery to ordinary working people.
SW: Business leaders may be despised by the discredited minority you mention. They are not, however, by and large, despised by each other, so it became even more important to create an environment to bring this group together to provide mutual support.
KJ: So ARSE is a self-help group?
SW: Indeed, in fact, I’ve even heard it called the world’s first “help yourself” group. (gently laughs)
KJ: You’ve previously described this society as largely philanthropic – does this group do any charity work, for example?
SW: Oh yes, very much so. They’re always doing favours for each other and of course nearly all of them employ gardeners, butlers and chauffeurs.
KJ: Admirable, I’m sure. Moving on.
Some see you as a twenty first century prophet or a “Pastor of Profit”, as some wit once famously described you, in a largely secular society. Do you see capitalism in any way as a replacement for religious faith and how do you reconcile your career with your southern Baptist upbringing?
SW: I see no contradiction here with my faith. My money allows me to do good things. Mainly for myself, it’s true but also, on occasions, for others.
And He tells me we’re still good.
KJ: God speaks to you directly, does He?
SW: No. He doesn’t speak to me directly, obviously. That would be crazy.
It’s more through visions than words.
In the main.
KJ: Right. (long pause)
You were recently voted corporate Humanitarian Of The Year by the Business Bible; “Cash Quarterly” That must have felt like the ultimate validation of your values.
SW: Although some of my ideas may be unpopular in some quarters, I have always tried to live my life by a clear moral compass, that I think even my most strident critics would identify with. I believe in the principle of ethics, Ken. I am a role model and standard bearer for the next generation of business leaders. It is a humbling and awe-inspiring responsibility and one which I take very seriously indeed. Trust me. I like to think that the award, in part, recognised the seriousness with which I take those responsibilities and the very highest of values by which I choose to live my life.
KJ: Yes. It was rather unfortunate, therefore, that during this period the now infamous drugs and prostitutes scandal broke
SW: We all make mistakes, Ken. My mistake was forgetting to lock away my home made DVD collection.
If I’ve learned anything in life, if my experiences have taught me anything, it is the importance of knowing and understanding oneself. It’s a combination of emotional intelligence and adaptive learning.
As a consequence of this extremely high level of self awareness, I pride myself on never ever making the same error twice. I’m a very quick learner, Ken. Trust me.
KJ: And it was also around this time that your fourth wife left you, was it?
SW: It was all very amicable.
KJ: She tried to have you killed
SW: Yes, but the plea bargaining was very amicable.
KJ: Moving on to the present, if I may and your new book; “Truth: The Sickness of Idiots”. What prompted you to write it?
SW: My publishers, mainly.
And my lawyers, of course – those alimony payments don’t grow on trees you know.
First, you have to chop the trees down, turn them into paper and then I have to write on the pages and sell them in books. It’s only then that I can get at the money. It’s really a very inefficient process when one thinks about it.
(seems slightly agitated)
KJ: And what about your latest book?
SW: The book? Ah, yes, the book. Of course, this is an evolution of a motif that I began developing in this area some years ago now.
KJ: Yes, from your earlier work; “First Dispose of the Facts: Business Strategies for Corporate Success”
SW: That’s right. After all, what is “Truth”? I believe it’s an out-dated, almost abstract concept, with little meaning in modern business vocabulary. Looking around me today, I think the time is now right to dispose of it, once and for all.
KJ: Oh, I see. So rather than a literal interpretation of the word “Truth” it’s more a philosophical meditation on the nature and limitations of what we call “language” and how we perceive what we, for purposes of simple expediency, term “words” and “meaning”.
Rather in the tradition of the works of Fromm, Focault and Baudrillard?
SW: Ah. Yeah. Okay. If you like
KJ: And finally, what does the future hold for Professor Stephen Woolph?
SW: I’m an optimist, Ken. I believe the best times are still very much ahead. I look for the next opportunity, I embrace change and I embrace the opportunities that change creates. Yes, there will be the odd bump in the road, but I firmly believe that the future of consumer-based capitalism is bright. If it were a stock, I’d certainly be buying. Trust Me.
KJ: Professor Woolph, thank you.
SW: My pleasure (Music begins to fade in)
KJ: Nurse, you can take him back to his room now.
Nurse: Come on professor, it’s past time for your medication. Let’s just strap you in and make sure you’re nice and comfortable.
(it transpires that the “short break” Jupiter alluded to in his introduction is actually Woolph’s committal to a mental institution again and the interview has been conducted from a day room there)
KJ: (off mic) How do I get out of here?
SW: (voice fading as he is wheeled away) hey, fellas, anybody wanna buy a book?
KJ: (of mic) Do you validate parking, darling?
END
Kenneth Jupiter: (off mic) ....I’ve certainly never been kissed like that before...and he had such strong hands...
Good evening.
In tonight’s edition of Dust Jacket, I’m speaking to America’s leading business consultant, motivational speaker and self help guru, Professor Stephen “Shep” Woolph. Author of such best sellers as “The Absolutely Definitive Guide to Management”, “The Absolutely Definitive Guide to Management II”, and the seminal 1990’s work; “From Business Whinger to Business Ninja”, Professor Woolph’s thinking has shaped a generation of corporate executives who can’t think for themselves and as author of over 100 books, translated into over 50 languages, his works have been recognised by the WWF as the single largest cause of deforestation in Indonesia.
Professor Woolph is currently Head of Talking at the privately funded Global Centre for the Advancement of Money and we have been lucky enough to catch up with him while he takes a short break from his international book tour, where he is publicising his latest corporate best seller; “Truth: The Sickness of Idiots”.
I’m delighted he’s been able to make time to join us.
Professor Woolph, welcome to Dust Jacket.
Stephen Woolph: A pleasure to be here, Kenneth. I’m very much looking forward to discussing my latest self-enabling optical single-track heuristic framework.
KJ: Sorry?
SW: My book
KJ: Oh, right. Professor Woolph. - May I call you Shep?
SW: No.
KJ: Professor Woolph..........what about Stephen, then?
SW: I don’t think so, Ken.
KJ: Right. Yes.
You have been described as “The Lord of the Board”, and the “Minister of Money” by your many supporters and yet also “The Schmuck of the Buck” by your detractors. Your views and business thinking seem to engender highly polarised reactions. How does this make you feel?
SW: I make no judgement, Ken. I see myself simply as a freelance trouble shooter, providing paradigm-shifting end-state visions within vertical ordered applications to asynchronous platforms. Sometimes triple-buffered. -
KJ: Quite
(off mic) He’s not going to talk like this for the entire interview, is he?
SW: -You see, Ken, I hear so many business managers saying; “our people are our greatest asset”. This is simply wrong. Trust me. People should not be thought of as assets. Buildings are assets, stock and photocopiers are assets. People are people, Ken.
KJ: Yet you are widely known as “Heave-ho Steve-o” within the business community, for championing some of the most extreme employee reduction strategies in corporate history. You simply make people redundant, don’t you?
SW: I prefer the term “Acute Cogent Disintermediatism” myself, but let me explain;
What’s the point of holding onto something in business if it’s not an asset? Get rid of them. It’s not rocket science, Ken. It’s adios, muchachos!
I think it was Gandhi would said; “Let the devil take the hindmost”
KJ: I’m pretty sure he didn’t say that.
SW: Yeah, well, he should have.
KJ: We’ll come to your latest work in a moment, however, I’d like to begin by discussing, if I may, your remarkable career and the journey that led you to this point in your life.
Your family on both sides originate from the Deep South, of course, originally making their fortunes in cotton and tobacco.
Did that heritage influence you in any way?
SW: Growing up in the South taught me many things but most importantly, it taught me the values of family and the values of community. Values that I carry with me to this day.
Of course, my family has a long history of investing in human capital and I see myself very much in that proud tradition.
KJ: Yes. In addition to being plantation owners they were also prominent slave traders, weren’t they?
SW: Only while it was legal, Ken.
No one ever said making money was easy.
KJ: And your uncle is a prominent member of the Klu Klux Klan
SW: Nor maintaining traditional values
KJ: Your childhood could be viewed by an outsider as a heady mixture of adventure without the barriers of accepted social convention. How do you remember it, looking back?
SW: I was a child of the sixties. It was an unbelievable time to be a teenager. Travelling from home to home, then to county jail, child services and finally back to my own home again. Once all the things I’d stolen had been returned to their rightful owners.
I was never once charged, you know. As I said, unbelievable.
KJ: What do you remember of your parents?
SW: They were both great communicators. Always talking to each other; talking, talking, talking. Of course, neither was much at listening so they both usually ended up just shouting over the noise the other was making. They’d often communicate like this all night.
But you could feel the energy. They were the metaphorical fire and ice combination.......or chalk and cheese.....maybe peanut butter and jelly......(distracted now).......people swear they work together but personally, I never liked peanut butter and jelly. Peanut butter and jelly, uh? - which idiot thought that pairing would ever work? In fact, I HATE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY!.......BASTARDOS!!
(calms himself)
Of course, such an intense relationship, I can see now, could never survive and ultimately they separated and divorced shortly after.
KJ: Yes, in the divorce papers it was your unreasonable behaviour that was cited by both parties as grounds for divorce
SW: That was found to be inadmissible at the hearing.
KJ: Indeed. The custody battle was also unusual in that neither parent wanted you. Did they?
SW: Yes. Mom and Dad were definitely free spirits at heart, unconstrained by the normal conventions of western society at the time.
KJ: Yet they readily accepted joint custody of your twin brother Chad, without recourse to the legal system. How did that profound personal rejection make you feel as a teenager?
SW: On reflection of that time, it’s clear to me that by that point I had already outgrown the need for the classical family structure and-
KJ: (interrupting)- child services didn’t seem to want you either, apparently
(noise as KJ shuffles through the court papers)
And do you see much of your brother Chad?
SW: What? I’ve learned to keep my distance
KJ: I completely understand. I’m sure it must be very painful to be reminded of those traumatic childhood memories. Any human being would feel the same after such an experience.
SW: No, he took a restraining order out on me. I’m not allowed within 500 feet of him, his trailer or his “precious” wheel chair. I tried to explain to the guy that the car-thing was an accident, but Jeez, some people Ken, some people...
Where was I?
KJ: (off mic) In custody again, perhaps?
SW: -and I therefore, decided following a further short period in care, to dedicate myself and my parent’s money, to learning.
KJ: Yes, following completion of what you’ve described in previous interviews as your “private education”, you enrolled in medical school. Tell me about that decision.
SW: One of the easiest decisions I ever made. I immediately felt right at home surrounded by like minded people.
KJ: The cadavers?
SW: (laughs humourlessly) Careful Kenny, I know Capoeira.
No, joking aside, I found this both an inspiring and deeply fulfilling period of my life. I have nothing but fond memories of that time.
KJ: Yet your fledgling medical career was cut tragically short
SW: I wouldn’t label it tragic, Ken. I went on to much greater things.
KJ: Well, it was tragic for all the people you killed, wasn’t it?
SW: (almost inaudible) Possibly
KJ: You were the first person ever charged, I believe, with killing someone while apparently on duty alone in a hospital morgue?
SW: Let’s move on Kenneth.
KJ: Yes. So, having been struck off and following two protracted and ultimately unsuccessful civil prosecutions......
SW: ...moving on
KJ: Some say, it would have broken any normal man, yet in many ways you seem to, if anything, have grown from this experience. Where did that strength come from?
SW: In all honesty, I just don’t know. I guess I simply drew upon my steely inner moral core to bring me through. I such times, I believe one must draw upon one’s innate inner depth of character.
My faith was also a great source of comfort.
KJ: And it was during this period that the problem drinking and attendant black-outs began, did it?.
SW: Afraid so.
KJ: Yes. So, following a short period of recuperation in Europe, you next turned your attention to motivational speaking. Tell me about that period.
SW: Yes, I decided to leave the US to take stock, reflect and broaden my horizons. Did you know they drive on the other side of the road in England? Jeez, Louise what a place that was! Good job it was a rental. Lousy foreigners! No offence.
Any how, on my return to the States, I had no real game plan. I realised, however, that I had to change and that change could only occur from the inside. I took the time to study the lives and writings of great figures in history and through these to understand the nature of man and the society in which he strives. It was a truly life changing period and provided the ideas and blueprints for much of what was to follow in my career.
Coincidentally, of course, my offices are now right next to the court house where all my trials were held, so really, in the end it, felt like I’d made no journey at all.
KJ: How did the motivational business speaking begin?
SW: I felt I had something to say even if at that time no one wanted to (turn up to) hear me say it. (Audiences were small but highly motivated).
I dabbled with Monocausal Materiality and Diachronic Glocal Processing, as solutions to the problem of Non-synergistic Bandwidth Polymorphism, but ultimately I found these lacked the necessary end-state backward compatibility needed-
KJ: (off mic) Yes, he seems to be doing it again, I’m afraid -
SW: - And of course, it was during this period that I began to develop my own brand of “open-Kimono” management –
KJ: (off mic) -Open what?! –
SW: - theory that led ultimately to the doctrine of Principle-centred Holistic Free Value Imagineering.
KJ: Yes, now, this is the revolutionary business model that first gained you international recognition.
SW: Not revolutionary. Evolutionary. A revolution suggests a circle. Coming back to its origin, ultimately making no progress. Evolution, is always about progress, always moving forward. Always positive.
KJ: Yes, well, not always.
SW: (not listening) Consider a world in which there was no progress, where would we be?
KJ: - evolution wasn’t very positive for the Woolly mammoth, was it?-
SW: - we need to seek new horizons and new challenges, as did our forefathers, such as Cortez and Pizarro, before us. These men are inspirational beacons. They speak to us through time. Not just men who dared. Men who dared to dream.
I see myself very much as walking in the shoes, metaphorically at least, of those early great pioneers. I am merely a humble seeker-
KJ: (under SW and off mic)
-it didn’t do much for the Falkland Island wolf, either come to think of it............or the Madagascan pygmy hippopotamus.......giant moa.............the quagga -.
SW: - of new lands.
As someone once said; “Words build bridges into unexplored regions”, Kenneth.
KJ: Yes, that someone was Hitler.
SW: Really? I always thought it was the Dalai Lama?
KJ: No
SW: Close enough.
KJ: It was during this period that you suffered your first breakdown, wasn’t it?
SW: Yes. I think the work load was simply too much. But that period was one of my most productive. I was able to exploit the time to realise many important self-help works, several of which have gone on to become best sellers.
KJ: Yes. “I hear voices, am I normal?” “The Perfect You”, “The Improved Perfect You” “The Even Better Perfect You“ and “Kidnapping for Beginners”.
SW: I feel it was one of my most creative periods - and I still hold the record for the most books published by someone while involuntarily committed to a mental institution.
KJ: So the public speaking developed, one could argue, as a kind of coping mechanism?
SW: No, not at all. It was actually an alternative therapy in the institution to continuing with the ECT. And of course, I had a captive audience. Most of them, literally.
KJ: What happened following your release?
SW: It seemed some of my writings had found a wider readership than I had realised, during my break. I began to receive invitations from the business community to speak at various corporate seminars.
You see, what most business leaders don’t understand is that a successful company is not about sales, profit and loss-
KJ: - yes I rather think it is -
SW: - it’s about having a compelling vision for your organisation. And that is what I provide through my Principle-centred Holistic Free Value Imagineering seminars.
KJ: Right, we’re back to this are we? What precisely is that?
SW: You see, Ken, you’re making the rudimentary error that so many of my newer clients make, when they are first exposed to this new way of working, or “imagineering”, if you will. You’re simply asking the wrong question.
To get the correct answer, one must begin within the correct question.
KJ: -Oh dear-
SW: So the question, one, in fact, should be asking is not; “what is it?”, the question is; “What is it that it can do for me?” –
KJ: And that’s the right question is it?
SW: Oh yes. At least, it can be, but not always.
It’s the correct question when dealing with Principle-centred Holistic Free Value Imagineering.
It’s entirely the wrong question, however, when dealing with the parallel model of the Virtual Linear Auto-mounting Matrix.
Enabled by Non-volatile Passive Encryption Modalities, of course.
But that’s a whole different set of seminars.
KJ: And people actually pay to listen to this stuff, do they?
SW: Lap it up, Ken. One thousand dollars a seat.
As the saying goes; “the only thing more expensive than ignorance is education”
KJ: I don’t think that’s quite................oh, what’s the point –
So, returning to your burgeoning reputation as a speaker-
SW: Yes. It was through these meetings that I began to share my vision-
KJ: (off mic) – Good grief. Any chance of a cup of tea? -
SW: (not listening) -the process became a virtuous circle. The more seminars I gave, the more influential people I was able to mindshare and ideate with, and the more invitations I received. My career gained a natural momentum. These meetings often proved the genesis of some of my most important works including; “Let’s Do It!,”“Going Beyond Delivery: The Role of the Modern Manager”, “Why Not? Why Not? Why Not? Yeah!” and “Get Out of My Lifeboat!” All of which went on to become best sellers.
I see myself very much in the tradition of the great industrial pioneers of the nineteenth century, transposed into a post modern corporate society.
After all, the writer is the engineer of the human soul.
KJ: I believe Stalin said that
SW: Doesn’t make him a bad guy, Ken.
KJ: Following a further short period of spiritual retreat at a Benedictine monastery for tax purposes and the publication of two more books; “Victory is Ours” and “We Do”, you then undertook a record-breaking a 18 month sell out speaking tour.
Intriguingly, this episode also coincided with another of the most productive periods in your literary career to date, with works including; “Expect More“, “The Wings of Man“, “Stop Searching. Start Travelling“, “Defy Obstacles“, and “Going Beyond Expectations”.
SW: Indeed
KJ: Errr, aren’t they all airline slogans?
SW: And what could be a better subliminal subtext than the power of flight? The Flight of the mind and the flight of the spirit. It’s inspirational. Ken
KJ: It’s plagiarism, Shep
SW: Yeah, but amazingly not one of them is copyrighted. Amateurs.
KJ: (pause). But what really brought you to the attention and hearts of the major corporate community was, what is now regarded as your seminal treatise in the; International Journal of Money; “Honour, Truth, Beauty, Justice, Joy: The Enemies of a Successful Business Culture”
SW: Yes, that work opened a lot of doors for me. Quite ironic really, as I had written the first draft while in the sanatorium, and the nurses wouldn’t open the doors for me there - no matter how much I wrote.
KJ: (off mic, as he accepts cup of tea). Lovely. Thank you very much indeed.
Any biscuits?
SW: - You see, the so-called business Illuminati are so very similar to you and I except, of course, for the immense wealth and the effective immunity from criminal prosecution. Within that milieu, if you will, I see myself very much in the classical tradition of speaking Truth to Power, only without all that pinko commie rhetoric and for a lot more money, obviously.
KJ: In fact one could say you’re on the gravy train with biscuit wheels. (laughs to himself)
SW: What train? We’re not on a train. (pause)
As I was saying, Ken. In essence, I believe in only one thing – the power of human will
KJ: Yes, that’s Stalin again, isn’t it?
It was around this time that you took the decision to create your now famous, some say infamous, business society
SW: Yes. I founded the Association for Retired and Salaried Executives.
KJ: ARSE
SW: We call it The A-R-S-E or “ARE-SAY”, if you prefer.
KJ: I don’t think so, Shep.
In fact your precise financial involvement in this group and its role as a front for insider trading became the subject of an unofficial biography by the New York Times investigative reporter Michael Swinesteiger, entitled; “Stephen Woolph: The President of ARSE”
SW: That is the subject of an on-going legal action
KJ: For defamation?
SW: Niche merchandising rights.
KJ: Right. (long pause)
Your close links with the corporate business world has inevitably brought some strident criticism, as many regard this group amongst the most despised members of society, responsible for incalculable misery to ordinary working people.
SW: Business leaders may be despised by the discredited minority you mention. They are not, however, by and large, despised by each other, so it became even more important to create an environment to bring this group together to provide mutual support.
KJ: So ARSE is a self-help group?
SW: Indeed, in fact, I’ve even heard it called the world’s first “help yourself” group. (gently laughs)
KJ: You’ve previously described this society as largely philanthropic – does this group do any charity work, for example?
SW: Oh yes, very much so. They’re always doing favours for each other and of course nearly all of them employ gardeners, butlers and chauffeurs.
KJ: Admirable, I’m sure. Moving on.
Some see you as a twenty first century prophet or a “Pastor of Profit”, as some wit once famously described you, in a largely secular society. Do you see capitalism in any way as a replacement for religious faith and how do you reconcile your career with your southern Baptist upbringing?
SW: I see no contradiction here with my faith. My money allows me to do good things. Mainly for myself, it’s true but also, on occasions, for others.
And He tells me we’re still good.
KJ: God speaks to you directly, does He?
SW: No. He doesn’t speak to me directly, obviously. That would be crazy.
It’s more through visions than words.
In the main.
KJ: Right. (long pause)
You were recently voted corporate Humanitarian Of The Year by the Business Bible; “Cash Quarterly” That must have felt like the ultimate validation of your values.
SW: Although some of my ideas may be unpopular in some quarters, I have always tried to live my life by a clear moral compass, that I think even my most strident critics would identify with. I believe in the principle of ethics, Ken. I am a role model and standard bearer for the next generation of business leaders. It is a humbling and awe-inspiring responsibility and one which I take very seriously indeed. Trust me. I like to think that the award, in part, recognised the seriousness with which I take those responsibilities and the very highest of values by which I choose to live my life.
KJ: Yes. It was rather unfortunate, therefore, that during this period the now infamous drugs and prostitutes scandal broke
SW: We all make mistakes, Ken. My mistake was forgetting to lock away my home made DVD collection.
If I’ve learned anything in life, if my experiences have taught me anything, it is the importance of knowing and understanding oneself. It’s a combination of emotional intelligence and adaptive learning.
As a consequence of this extremely high level of self awareness, I pride myself on never ever making the same error twice. I’m a very quick learner, Ken. Trust me.
KJ: And it was also around this time that your fourth wife left you, was it?
SW: It was all very amicable.
KJ: She tried to have you killed
SW: Yes, but the plea bargaining was very amicable.
KJ: Moving on to the present, if I may and your new book; “Truth: The Sickness of Idiots”. What prompted you to write it?
SW: My publishers, mainly.
And my lawyers, of course – those alimony payments don’t grow on trees you know.
First, you have to chop the trees down, turn them into paper and then I have to write on the pages and sell them in books. It’s only then that I can get at the money. It’s really a very inefficient process when one thinks about it.
(seems slightly agitated)
KJ: And what about your latest book?
SW: The book? Ah, yes, the book. Of course, this is an evolution of a motif that I began developing in this area some years ago now.
KJ: Yes, from your earlier work; “First Dispose of the Facts: Business Strategies for Corporate Success”
SW: That’s right. After all, what is “Truth”? I believe it’s an out-dated, almost abstract concept, with little meaning in modern business vocabulary. Looking around me today, I think the time is now right to dispose of it, once and for all.
KJ: Oh, I see. So rather than a literal interpretation of the word “Truth” it’s more a philosophical meditation on the nature and limitations of what we call “language” and how we perceive what we, for purposes of simple expediency, term “words” and “meaning”.
Rather in the tradition of the works of Fromm, Focault and Baudrillard?
SW: Ah. Yeah. Okay. If you like
KJ: And finally, what does the future hold for Professor Stephen Woolph?
SW: I’m an optimist, Ken. I believe the best times are still very much ahead. I look for the next opportunity, I embrace change and I embrace the opportunities that change creates. Yes, there will be the odd bump in the road, but I firmly believe that the future of consumer-based capitalism is bright. If it were a stock, I’d certainly be buying. Trust Me.
KJ: Professor Woolph, thank you.
SW: My pleasure (Music begins to fade in)
KJ: Nurse, you can take him back to his room now.
Nurse: Come on professor, it’s past time for your medication. Let’s just strap you in and make sure you’re nice and comfortable.
(it transpires that the “short break” Jupiter alluded to in his introduction is actually Woolph’s committal to a mental institution again and the interview has been conducted from a day room there)
KJ: (off mic) How do I get out of here?
SW: (voice fading as he is wheeled away) hey, fellas, anybody wanna buy a book?
KJ: (of mic) Do you validate parking, darling?
END
