The tongue of Eeyongongayonguwongongnongayonglong¹, or just "Ong" for short, is a well-developed and powerful underground language, used extensibly by those in the know to pass on countless ancient secrets from this world and others³ and has been a very well guarded secret. At least until now, as I have decided to take it upon myself to be the ingrate who ruins their fun and brings the mediocre beauty of Ong out for the public! Ahem. Now where was I.. oh yes..

Ong is much too rich and complex to be learned from the ground up as with any traditional language, and rather should be learned at first through the study of simple common phrases. You will often find that the way you expected something to translate is in no way whatsoever reflective of the fact, and will find even more often that something simply does not translate directly at all. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Reading and Writing Ong

Due to the harsh reality of Ong's redundant manner, the 'ong' sound itself is often represented in writ and print in some fashion other than the characters O, N, and G. For instance, the "Semi-Official Ong Primer Dictionary" uses the tilde (~), such that the ong word "Bongie-eyongrong" is actually printed as B~ie-ey~r~. Some other materials have adopted this same format but elected to omit certain 'insignificant' characters, thus making the same word into B~e-e~r~. There is an irony here which I shall not bother to make clear until much later, when it becomes more relavent.

The point is that common courtesy typically entails the use of some simplified format of writing Ong sentences, and you should keep that in mind when writing or reading Ong materials. When reading, always find out what format it is written in, and when writing always make your format apparent and consistent. Otherwise such a complex tongue as Ong can become quite enigmatic and overbearing, detracting from its purpose. If it is too difficult to use Ong to protect one's secrets, then why use it at all?⁴

An Introduction to Basic Ong Phrases

As stated earlier in this article, Ong is best learned at first by studying certain usefull phrases. Because it is part of the symantics of the Ong language to be careful of who knows how to decipher certain terms and usages meant to hide your secrets, I won't present too many examples of that nature. However they should all none-the-less be obvious in their usefulness, and perhaps you will begin to catch on to the patterns which make translation between Ong and English much simpler. However do be forewarned, most modern Ong is based upon American English. Why, I will never know.⁵ The following are my personal selections from the Common Ong Phrases and Terms manual, presented in the fashion used therein (ong = /, insignificant characters preserved):

• Please pass me a beer. -+- B/ie-ey/r/⁶ n/o-w/.
• Get off of my foot. -+- O/ue-ch/, g/ie-t/ ow/f/fing!
• Are you single? -+- L/ie-t/s/ g/o b/ie-h/i-n/d/ th/ie b/u-sh/ie-s/.
• Where is the goat? -+- H/o t/o-oy/k/ th/ie s/ay-k/r/i-f/i-s/ie?
• I like cheese. -+- Ch/ie-ey/s/ie g/o-oy/d/!
• Where is the cheese? -+- Ch/ie-ey/s/ie g/o-oy/d/!
• Behold the power of cheese. -+- Ch/ie-ey/s/ie g/o-oy/d/!
• Cheryl⁷, where are your clothes? -+- S/ie-ey/t/ g/o-d/s/, n/ay-k/ie-d/n/ie-ey/s/!
• I'd prefer a whiskey, if you don't mind. -+- W/i-s/k/ie-y/ n/o-w/.
• Shut up and enjoy your tea. -+- T/ie-ay/, s/l/ay-v/ie!

In Conclusion, or "F/i-n/ay-l/ling-y/"

As you can plainly see, Ong is a highly complex and variable language not to be undertaken by just any little schmoe with no purpose other than the egotistical gratification of mastering yet another piece of knowledge to use against his less learned and worshipping aquaintances, but rather should only be studied by the serious who wish to use it for some slightly more creative purpose. Anyone can be a jerk, after all, what amount of inspiration does it take to come up with that? Now a jerk who enjoys torturing his best friends with contraptions made of chewing gum, straws, sewing needles, and a fair amount of mashed potatoes -- there's a guy I can relate to.

If, perchance, you are further interested in studying Eeyongongayonguwongongnongayonglong (Ey//-ay/u-w//n/-ay/l/ (Ong)) then simply contact your local Illuminati, Masonic Lodge⁹, visionless cult, or Chapter of the Church of the Sub-Genius and plead with them until they eventually give in and humor you for a while. You will find it most enlightening, and may learn the secrets of what marshmallows can do for certain bodily orifices. I wish you the best of luck.