Here are a collection of bad dates and some right nightmares, the object
being to make you smile or realize just how lucky you are.
The First Date and the Last
I got an email from someone on date.com who saw my details and photo and wanted to meet me. As he was in Lincoln, I arranged to meet him, but it had to be here at my home as I can't get sitters during the week.
I didn't like inviting a stranger here but we had emailed a few times and spoken on the phone, he sounded alright. He said he had an appointment in Lincoln at 7.30pm, which would last approx. 30 mins. so he'd be with me approx. 9pm. All well and good. My son would be in bed by then, and I'd hopefully have an hour or so chat time.
Nine pm came and went, so did 9.30, then 10pm. Assuming I'd been stood up, I locked up. I was still watching TV, when there was a knock on my front door at 10.20 and I peered through the glass and I recognized Mark from his photo that he'd emailed me. I opened the
door, and before I could say 'This is awfully late..... he thrust a box of cheesecake
specialties in my hand and said, 'I'm desperate for the toilet, may I use yours?'
I pointed him in the direction of my bathroom and when he came downstairs, I said,
'Are you Mark?'
He patted himself down and said he was when he last looked... He told me to get some
plates and pastry forks (to have been ~asked~ would have been much better) - my nerves
were already on edge at it being so late... he then regales me with the history of his life and relationships 'so far' and I was trying to get a word in edgeways to ask him to leave, as I
really needed to get to bed for some sleep, it being Thursday the next day and getting my
grandson at 7.30am, I need to be awake...when he fell asleep, mid-sentence!
I asked him if he'd mind going home, and he jumped, gazed at me bleary-eyed, then he
asked if he could 'just have a rest' on my couch and he'd 'leave at about 3am' as he didn't
want to drive home while he was tired.
By now, all I wanted to do was get rid of him, and presuming it was ok to stay on my
couch annoyed me, but I'd never have lived with myself if he'd left and caused a serious
accident on the road through falling asleep at the wheel...Rock and a hard place or
I told him he could use my guest bedroom, but he'd have to leave very early, before my
son awoke. Going upstairs (after his second trip outside to have a cigarette) he asked what
toothbrush could he use? AND he used the bathroom before me.
I showed him the guest bedroom and he said he'd see me in the morning. I'd just gone in
my room, started undressing, when he said, 'I'm in bed now, you can come and tuck me in
and give me a goodnight kiss'.
In your dreams!
I ignored him, and a couple of minutes later he said, 'I'm not joking, you know! I
didn't answer, but got into bed, glad of the phone above my bed, as I was ready to call the
Ten minutes later, I heard him get out of bed and put his light on. His door opened, then MY bedroom door opened and he walked in, in just his shirt. He said, 'I'm wide awake and I want someone to talk to.'
I said, 'If you're wide awake then you can go home!'
He said, 'No, I just want someone to talk to,' and he sat down at the end of my
Pulling my quilt even higher I said, 'Look, I have to be up very early and I should have
been in bed ages ago, if you don't go back to bed, then you'll have to leave'. He went
back to bed.
I prayed he wouldn't sit in my new guest bedroom and smoke! I
slept only fitfully, he went to the toilet approx. 2am making enough noise to wake the
I got up at 5.45 and got dressed. As I pushed open his door, he was laid there looking at
me, awake. I said, 'Do you mind leaving? Only my son will be awake soon...' and he
said, 'Sure' and threw his cover back, to reveal he was wearing only his underpants
and I turned and went downstairs.
I wanted to just make my own so he wouldn't stay any longer
but that felt churlish so I offered him a . He accepted then
asked if he could borrow a banana, I *almost* said I didn't want it back...
He drank his and as he was collecting all his gear (he'd
brought an overnight bag)!!!! he was mumbling something about coming round on Friday night,
he'd bring something 'to cook' and he'd stay over and then leave for Scotland on Saturday
morning to go visit his ex-wife and collect his personal belongings, 'if she hasn't burned
them or given them all away already'.
I said I'd let him know if it was convenient.
As I opened the front door, he said, 'Well, I'm going to be optimistic, and say if I
don't hear from you, I'll see you tomorrow night', and he went to kiss me. I took two
steps back and looked down, opening the door even wider, and moving behind him, he had no
choice but to move out the door as I was already shutting it behind him.
I shut and locked the door so gratefully.
Yes, I have emailed him telling him not to come tonight!
Another bad date
My worst date? I don't remember the guy's name, but boy do I remember the date. It
was a guy I'd met at a bookstore I worked in. We agreed to go see a movie, but he was
about 45 minutes late - just late enough to miss the film. He said we could go out to eat
instead. I get in his car, and there is trash in the car - he hasn't even bothered to clean out
the passenger side, so my feet are in trash. He's nearly out of gas, so he stops to get some,
but all he has is a hundred dollar bill, and they won't accept it. So I have to pay for the
gas. He keeps asking me where I want to eat, and every choice I mention he says no he
doesn't like it. But he won't suggest any place himself. Finally we go to a Mexican
restaurant, and he insists on ordering a combination that is not on the menu. Conversation
was an abysmal blur during dinner. When we finished dinner I wanted to pay for my half,
because I wanted nothing to do with this guy anymore, but he insisted on paying. Funny, it's
been nearly ten years since that date, and it still makes me want to spit.
My worst date? Well, a couple spring to mind.
1. I met a guy at an Ethiopian restaurant in North London. I'd had a bit too much Tedge (honeywine) and was dancing with my girlfriends to the tribal rhythms of the drum and we were getting some attention from the fellas there. Me and a pal were a bit short of cash, so when offered drinks we would take them. She's married, so to keep the drinks coming I was being over generous with my phone number... and the next day a guy calls.
Being an optimistic soul I agree to meet him. I go for my usual 'first date' routine, that's to meet at Angel tube station, then go for a drink at the pub over the road. He was late. He was so late I was nearly leaving - the homeless guy was trying to date me instead, and I didn't quite fancy an evening of picking thru the bins...
Anyroad, eventually he calls, and says he's on the way. He shows up, in a car, with his mate, wanting me to get into the car with him and his mate, to 'go somewhere'. Hmmm. Like, 'NO.' I said. Rule one of basic bird safety is not to get into the car with a
couple of strangers... so I point to the pub, and say I'll see him inside.
He shows up in the pub once they've parked up. Still with mate. Like 'nu-huh!' you don't bring your mate to a date! He was fairly new to town from Adis Ababi (capital of Ethiopia) and his mate was helpful for translation. After one drink we went to another bar to dance,
because I recalled that what had initially led me to give him my number was his impressive moves on the dance floor...
But just cos we could groove together don't mean we could hang out, since we could hardly
communicate at all. I left for my bus home well before midnight. That was a fairly crap
2. When I was about 15 a lad I was dating took me to the rezzy (reservoir) near our
hometown, to go fishing. Bloody boring afternoon, all maggots and slime and tedium. That was our 3rd and final date. T**t.