IMWRS
Created | Updated Sep 4, 2002
Ten Commandments of Beer
Hey there. I am Aaron's Cursor. I figured I would pop in when he wasn't lookin' to drop a quick line. You have, no doubt, heard all the slanderous things he says about me. I am innocent of these things. I simply do my job and he gets all upset and bent out of shape about the fact that a cursor blinks. Well, what else am I supposed to do, I ask you that? I mean, we couldn't very well BEEP or strobe or dance about wearing frilly knickers and singing show tunes while sucking on cucumbers and picking our noses... now could we? You see my point, don't you reader? I thought so.
What I can't understand about Aaron is the time he spends on this program anyhow. I mean it's not like there isn't something else to do. I mean he does have a life... or does he? You see, that Aaron guy, he is a real piece of work... he likes to dance about wearing his boxer shorts and playing air guitar to old Zeppelin songs. He frequently drinks far too much and has a penchant for the insane. He watches trainspotting incessantly. I swear if I hear Ewen McGregor talk about heroin one more time I will just simply turn myself off, or get a virus or something... damn, perhaps that kid doesn't have a life. You'd think a 23 yr old man would have better things to do than sling insults at a Laptop screen for a program that is just simply doing it's job. I don't ask for much, just a little consideration. Maybe a triple vowel word here and there. Perhaps a long diatribe on the state of the world address. I would gladly assist in such matters. But no, he insists on spouting out
his mess, whilst I am doomed to sit here and blink in my own self-loathing... uh... Oh...
Here he comes.
Damn you cursor, why must you flail insults like that?
I was only kidding.
I don't care you useless twit, that was rude.
Well so are the one sided arguments you have with me. I can hardly type a word in edge wise. You are a greedy self-loathing little punk and I will stop blinking now... Take that.
You're still blinking
So?
Oh shut up, cursor.
You shut up, human!
You want a piece of me?
Bring it on ape-man!
Who are you calling ape-man, binary boy?
That's it... see if I help you write this pointless article, you pain.
Pain, me? No, no cursor, you are the pain.
Your mom, human.
Your processor, cursor.
Your mom.
Your mom.
Yeah well, human, your moms' so fat she fell down.
What???? Shut up retard.
Fine.
Wow, not that that is over... blink... I said shut up... hmmmmm blink... fine anyhow, back to my article.
I will endeavor to delineate the ten commandments of beer in this article. You see, being Irish catholic I can blame genetics for my penchant for the finer ales. In fact there is a beer that holds my surname 'O'Keefe's Ale'. Good stuff. But anyhow lets get on to the commandments. Breaking one of these will result in the resumption of a pagan beer drinker and will require you to buy the next round. This by the way is written from the beers' Point of View.
Thou shalt never let me get warm.
If thou should let me get warm, thou shalt not put me in the fridge, thou shalt dig a deep grave and pray for my hops to be reabsorbed back into the earth for further ale sustenance.
If drinking from a tap, thou shalt tip the bartender 2 or more dollars to ensure she/he keeps the hand off the water tap.
If thou should not like my taste, thou shalt find a suitable owner to take me in. Never shall thou pour me down the drain.
If a friend should leave me unfinished after a party, it is your duty to finish me when no one is looking.
Pouring me on the ground is only authorized if paying tribute to the brewery or dead friends who cannot drink anymore.
Thou shalt never be a quitter.
If drinking from a clear plastic cup, you will always keep me full and shall never put anything in me.
Beer bongs are the ultimate tribute.
If thou should spill me on someone of the opposite sex, it is your duty to retrieve me in the quickest way possible from the victim. (this has advantages for the drinker and the spillee).
Well my fellow researchers, This is just a brief thought on the matter. I welcome additions.
Until then Godspeed and take care.
Cobra 2-6 out.
