The Pitfalls of First Time Cult Ownership (CAC Edition)

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...and thus from the eternal kingdom of Gilgathemin came Gorrateth the speaker of a thousand truths and devourer of spicy pork ribs. He lay the feast of barbecue and ale before the believers and there was much to celebrate. He urged his flock to take of the moist towelettes so as to wipe the sauce of ignorance from their lips and reveal the truths in their words. Also he suggested they wipe their fingertips so they would not leave sticky fingerprints everywhere...

And with this fleeting thought it became clear to me that it may be fun to start my own cult. But I would do it right, no one would be forced to sacrifice themselves for a false god. The only drive would be to insure that I was provided with proper amounts of my favorite foods and drinks. Seems simple enough. But believe me it was not.

Cults are hard work, sure your minions are loyal(I mean crazy loyal, don't these people have any pride at all?) but they can be really needy. Always with the "I am not sure I am truly worthy of the wrath Gorrateth" or "tell me again about the sacred spices of Gilgathemin" and the inevitable "does this robe make me look fat?" come on man pull yourself together. But then again what did I expect if they were sure of themselves they would not be here.

Another thing that got to me was the lack of really attractive female followers. Here I had spent weeks coming up with the "Carnal Sacrifice" bit for nothing, plus it made finding female companionship the “old fashioned” way near impossible. Just try inviting a discerning lady back to your compound and see how successful you are with a house full of freaks waiting for you. No matter how many times I asked them to be cool they would always mess things up for me.

After a while the effects of a constant diet of pork and ale took its toll, soon the minions were far too lazy in their begging efforts to sustain the constant flow of cash necessary to operate a proper cult. I had to take a second job just to keep afloat.

Finally I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to make a go of it so the only thing I could do was fake my own death and go out like a martyr. Unfortunately a few short months after doing this the minions had the idea to market a line of "Gorrateth's Own" barbecue sauces. They are now the best selling products of their type in the known world. I wonder if they are still gullible enough to fall for the old resurrection bit.

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