the following includes some notes for survival as a person who is working in the fruit and vegetable department of their local supermarket. For your convenience, the phrase 'fruit and vegetables' will be referred to as produce.

The basic rules of working in produce

1. - If you wouldn't buy the product, don't put it on display for the customer¹

2. - Try to keep the shop full and clean².

3. - Always wash your hands³.

4. - Eat whatever you want⁴.

If these four simple rules are followed and applied, then it will serve to create a happy working environment in which the produce worker theoretically does not get fired (see footnote 4).

Tools

The Tools of a produce worker are as follows: a small knife for cutting lettuce, boxes, plastic; a large knife for cutting pumpkins, cabbages, cauliflower, melons, celery; a pen for writing down anything at all; a texta for writing labels on boxes and things. There are also trolleys to be used for moving boxes and goods; ladders with wheels on them, for reaching high things; plastic bags for the storage of plastic rubbish; big green bins for the storage of produce waste; and a huge metal compactor, to crush cardboard and paper rubbish. Finally there are communicative devices such as a telephone, and a page-speaker, to make announcements to the shop⁵.

Dealing with Customers

Customers will always be coming up to you, and asking tremendously obvious, ignorant questions. When you are confronted with a customer, Rule numbers One and Two should be followed:

1. Always be polite to the customer⁶

2. Do or say whatever the customer wants⁷.

Rule numbers one and two of this section, though simple, can be quite difficult to follow when applied in their strictest sense. Some much bolder produce workers have tried to insert their own third rule in here at this point, which goes something like this:

3. Do whatever you can to avoid the customers⁸

This third rule has in recent times, gained recognition among many produce workers but, due to it's controvercial nature, it will be neither promoted or discouraged in this document.

Dealing with The Manager

If you work in a place with a store manager who is someone who encourages others and earns their respect, then you might be able to skip this section. If however your store manager is a short, stubby, ugly, unfortunate, man with the tragic triple-paradox of an annoying voice, nothing good to say and a love of the sound of his own voice, who feels it his duty to society to find fault with everyone in his control, or if he/she fits a similar description, then read on.

Dealing with the Store Manager is one of the most complicated parts of the job, as anything you do or say can and will be used against you by the store manager. Store managers are renowned for being past the level of apathy and inhumanity into an unclassified zone of complete and utter distrust and paranoia towards all who breathe. Occasionally, you will find a store manager with the reccessive gene causing him to exihibit traces of goodness, unselfishness or similar traits as these, but the improbability of this is so great that it is more likely that he will change into a penguin. Some people question the reality of the craftiness of a manager, but it may be illustrated in this way: When you have a pack of wild dogs, the leader is always the biggest, ugliest, most meanest of them all. He is naturally the one who takes control. Here is a list of very general rules that may or may not apply at any given time and which if followed to the letter, will mean that you might have a fraction of a chance of not being harassed, badgered or bullied:

• Never look the store manager directly in the eyes.
• Never speak to the store manager unless spoken to.
• Do not try to engage in conversation with the store manager, But being in, bear't that the opposed may be beware of thee.
• Never, ever talk to the store manager about his mother, wife or other family members.
• Do whatever the store manager tells you to do as immediately as possible. No Exceptions.
• Never argue with the store manager.
• Never, ever contradict the store manager regardless of whether he is wrong or totally wrong.
• Never let the store manager see you when you are doing something wrong.
• Always treat the store manager the way you would treat somebody who has a strong, tight grip on your balls.
• Never show any emotion when around the store manager. Such as fear, anger, and esspecially humour.
• Never pretend to like the store manager as this tends to cause aggravation with a passion.

Coffee Breaks

Now we have come to the fore of what this occupation is all about. Coffee breaks are the most essential activity carried out by a produce worker - they are the life-blood if you will - of the entire day's work. There are many aspects of the conventional 'coffee break' in its many forms. There are too many to list them all here, but some classics include: the cuppa-coffee, the cuppa-tea, the toilet stop, the quick skim through the newspaper, the sit-down, the lunch break and - always a favorite - the spontaneous break for no apparent reason.

Activities which are carried out during a typical coffee break can range from eating, sipping coffee or tea (or just straight milk when it be the mood), cutting out funny comics from the staff newspaper, chatting to attractive staff-members, or just plain staring at the wall⁹. The only rule that applies to the coffee break, is simply this:

1. When on a coffee break, never make it look like you are enjoying it.

Waste

There is an incredible, and constant amount of waste that is continually being created and churned by the store. There are three types of waste that the produce worker is responsible to maintain. They are: Organic waste, Inorganic waste and Recyclable waste. These three factions of waste may be delt with in any way imaginable by the produce worker at the time. But the conciencious produce worker will take great care and pride in his/her management of these.

Organic Waste

Organic waste includes two sub-categories of Rotten and Fresh. The rotten is quite self-explanatory, as all produce has a shelf-life-expectancy. Fresh waste is more elusive to explain, but simply put, it is food that gets thrown out at the end of the night or the next morning because it has not been sold. These fruits and vegetables are: bananas, lettuce, carrots, salads, grapes, cauliflower, spinach, broccoli, mushrooms, cherries, potatoes and celery. The only reasons which may explain this sytematic disposal of goods, depending on their sale value, but disregarding their edible quality, is human mismanagement and greed. Each night, the shop throws out roughly enough fresh fruit and vegetables to feed five families of five for an entire week.

Inorganic Waste

Inorganic waste include plastic bags, string bags, cling wrap, bubble wrap, foam plastics, fibrous straps and wrappings, and occasionally some metals and hard-wood. These can all be delt with by stashing into the regular bins used for everyday rubbish. There is usually also a big large square bin at the back of the store plus other small bins to use for plastics. It is useful while working to have an empty box on your trolley for any accumulative rubbish as you go.

Recyclable Waste

The recyclable rubbishes are: Card board boxes, wax boxes, paper packaging, tissue paper wrappings, foam boxes. The foam and wax boxes are sent back to the supplier to be reused, while all the others are flattened and put into the large card-board compacter. This makes them into a very tight bundle. Card-board boxes are the most common sort of rubbish you will constantly face.

Payment

The typical shop that the produce worker encounters will commonly have a trustworthy and reliable systems of paying their staff. But... be aware that the amount on the weekly pay-check may not neccesarily bear any correspondence to the amount of hours worked, or the rate it is being paid at. Each person who works in the store must expect and trust that, no matter how hard he/she does or does not work, at the end of the week, the amount he/she gets paid might be wrong.

The best way to counter-act this tendency to human error is simply to keep a diary. All that needs be done is, after each shift, write down into your diary the times you started and ended your shift, remembering to take into account your lunch break. These results may be compared with the amount of hours stated on your payslip. Any complaints are usually delt with promptly and added to your next payslip by the girl in the cash office.

Procrastination

Like most jobs, putting off what you can do today for tomorrow, is pivotal in the produce department. Most of us would never get by without it, but, at the end of the day, it is good to reflect for just a moment, the reason why we do what we do. It's not for pleasure, or for contentment, it's not even for the actual money. The fact is that we come in to work knowing that we can sit around, bludging¹⁰ all day long and get paid for it.

Just that thought alone makes it all worth it.