Air conditioning, the process by which hot and humid air is chemically cooled before coming into your home, is a necessity in some regions of the world, regardless of what the environmentalists say. Here is a step-by-step survival guide in case yours should ever die.

Step 1: Denial

Your air conditioner will die when it is hot outside. This is a law of nature. You wouldn't have been using it if the outside temperature weren't too warm, and the mere fact that you have been spending your time in air conditioned comfort will make the outdoors seem hot, anyway. Your first step, then, will be denial. You will be sitting in your home happily minding your own business when you will notice a slight, almost imperceptible uncomfortability. "What is that?" you will ask yourself, having not felt air that hot and humid in your home in quite some time (for some people, that's never). Your subconscious will know that something is wrong with the air conditioner, but you will trick yourself into believing everything is fine for several more hours.

Step 2: The Phone Calls

When you can no longer deny that your air conditioner has given up the ghost, you will call in your warranty. Those of you without warranties will stay in the denial stage for a much longer period of time. When you call your warranty provider (and can actually manage to speak to a human being), you will cheerily give them your name, address, and all other relevant information because they hold the keys to your well-being and you want to keep them as happy as possible. You might also throw a little hint of urgency into your voice to try to subtly get across the fact that this is an emergency and you need them like you have never needed anyone else before (that whole mother's milk thing when you were an infant? Meaningless now). The warranty person will give you the name of a service person near you and you will thank them profusely and hang up.

Fifteen minutes or so later (so as not to seem too pushy), you will call the service person. The service person will tell you that they cannot get you on the schedule until Monday (because your air conditioner will naturally die on a Thursday or Friday, and probably right before a holiday weekend). You will ask if there is no way that they can possibly get you on the schedule tomorrow, still trying to be polite and thinking that they will of course realize how much this means to you. They will say no, they are absolutely booked and can't possibly see you until Monday.

You will immediately call the warranty people back and tell them about your previous phone call. "Can you please find a service person who can come out tomorrow?" you'll ask. They will put you on hold for a very long time, which you will endure patiently because you are confident that they are working hard for your well-being. When they come back, they will tell you that they have found a service person who has agreed to put you on tomorrow's schedule, and they will fax your information to them right away. You thank them from the bottom of your soul and hang up.

Step 3: The First Night

At this point you will settle in for a night without air conditioning. You will find the box fans that have been sitting in your spare room for months and put them strategically in windows around your house to maximize airflow. Having done that, you will convince your partner that it is absolutely too hot to cook dinner and that the two of you should go out somewhere nice. After all, you deserve it. When you get home, you will go to bed without any blankets and imagine that you are on safari with romantic mosquito netting blowing in the breeze from your box fan.

Step 4: The Morning Phone Calls

You will awaken early so that you can find out what time the service person will be at your house that day. When you call the service person, you will be dismayed to find that not only did they not receive a call about you the day before, but that they just received the fax about you twenty minutes ago and it wasn't marked URGENT. They won't be able to get you on the schedule until Monday. You will plead with them, but it will be no use. Your voice will now achieve the bitter tone that you realize you probably should have had the day before.

You will then call your warranty people, who will have no clue about anything you are talking about. You will get angry, they will get angry, and they will tell you that there is nothing they can do for you. You will hang up.

Five minutes later you will realize that if you have to wait until Monday to have your air conditioner serviced, you would much rather have the first service person you called do the job, since they sounded more professional on the phone than the second. You will call your warranty people back, and they will be happy to schedule you with the first service person again. Now, however, you will find that you missed your chance to get on the schedule for Monday, and would Tuesday be alright? Knowing that you are completely powerless in the scheduling department, and having already resigned yourself to a life of hardship for the weekend, you will ask, "Do I have a choice?" The warranty person will sound very sympathetic as she tells you that you don't, and you will be happy to end your series of phone calls with such a welcome tone.

Step 5: Perfecting Your Suffering

Arriving at work late, you will then set about informing everyone you know that your air conditioning has died and it will not be repaired until Tuesday. (The number of invitations to dinner you get over the next few days will determine just how loyal your friends truly are.) You will also find a web page with the local temperature and humidity information, and practice slipping this information into conversation.

When you arrive home that afternoon, you will lounge on the couch in a dramatic way that will tell your partner that you couldn't possibly be expected to behave in any normal sort of way because of the extreme heat, and would he/she please fetch another fan and the water in the refrigerator and think of someplace to go for dinner? When, two hours later, you realize that your partner is both less than sympathetic about your plight and still expects you to cook dinner, you will go about your usual evening activities grumpily so that he or she knows that you are not happy about their attitude.

Step 6: Revelation

It is at this point that you will experience a change in your perception of the situation. You will no longer think of yourself as a victim, but as a champion for the less fortunate. You do not need air conditioning. You are aware of the environment, in touch with the seasons, earthy. You welcome the smell of your own sweat with a fervour that none of your neighbors in their hermetically sealed suburban homes could possibly comprehend. You alone understand the universe. Suddenly you will long to hike mountains, fish raging rivers, trek across deserts, and wear frighteningly little clothing (preferably in the khaki family). You are a god/dess.

At least until Tuesday.