The  Post
Christmas  Vogon Poetry  Competition   2010

Let me tell you the tale of Marty McPhizer.


He loved his gf, and he thought he'd surprise her


With bling and with sweeties, with boss DVDs,


With a new mobile phone and some gift cards to please.


But Marty had tsures: His gf, the tease,


Would find every well-hidden prezzie with ease.


Then she'd give every colourful package a shake,


And announce: 'That's pure crystal! I hope it won't break.'


While Marty would moan, 'Is your last name DuBois?


'Do you talk to the dead? Do they tell what they saw?'


He couldn't surprise her, wherever he'd hide 'em


She'd find out, and guess what he wrapped up inside 'em.



So Marty went calling on his old friend Doc Brown,


The smartest (and nuttiest) thinker in town.


The Doc had an idea: 'Why not hide the candy


And gifts in the past? I've a time machine handy.'


'Hey, Doc,' exclaimed Marty. 'That's the best idea yet!


'I'll give her a Christmas she'll never forget!'


So he gassed up the DeLorean, loaded the boot,


And headed through space/time to stash all the loot.


When the flivver reached 88 miles to the hour,


The old flux capacitor revved up its power.


More rapid than Concorde the time machine flew,


With a bus full of goodies, and McPhizer, too.



In the years since he'd started, the Doctor had made


Improvements, new tricks in the time travel trade,


Marty found himself able to navigate


In space and in time. We're glad to relate,


Instead of the west coast of Hanna Barbera,


He landed just east of the sunny Sahara.


'What place could be better than this pyramid?'


Said Marty, excited, and lifted the lid.


The presents were stowed in the safest place ever,


And Marty was sure he was awfully clever.


Then back to the future in quick-time he flew,


Just in time for some eggnog and an old 'Doctor Who'.



Two nights before Christmas, the gf and Marty


Were just sitting down to their own private party,


Some wine and the telly in Marty's new flat,


When his gf cried, 'Hey! Take a gander at that!'


And there, on the screen, was Professor Pine Coffin,


The worlds' most renowned archaeology boffin,


Unveiling to all in a wonderful show


The tomb of King Tutankhandhammer – and lo!


A history-making discovery,


Christmas wrapping in Egypt, 1200 BC!



Marty groaned, Marty writhed on the sofa and cursed.


Of time travel faux pas, this one was the worst.


But worse still than that was the thought he had then,


That he'd have to go shopping all over again.


The moral of this is abundantly clear:


Be careful when travelling this time of year.


And if your gf is as sly as a fox,


Put down rent on a safety deposit box.

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The Post Christmas Competitions 2010

Dmitri Gheorgheni

20.12.10 Front Page

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