Of the Founding of the B*****d Patch
Created | Updated Jul 24, 2002
This is the story of the founding of The B*****d (pronounced Baastd) Patch.
At an unknown time, a boy's uncle was watching television. The television show that he was watching was called the Tele-Tubies.
He noted that the place that they were in was called "The Patch". He went on watching it.
A few months ago, a boy and his uncle, aunt, mumsie and pa were seated at a table. The boy's name was Neppoo and his Aunt's name was Lindee. The uncle, whose name was Henry, had just been served a carrot-loaf made with carrots and Ritz crackers. Henry served one to Neppoo who immediately took it and started to eat it. As he did this, Henry exclaimed: "These are special carrots. They are from the patch; The B*****d Patch." Little Neppoo erupted into laughter. He thought that this was terribly hysterical. Then, Lindee, Neppoo, Neppoo's Mother and father started to eat the rest of the meal, which had been made on the Bar-B-Que by Neppoo.
Later that night, Lindee, Henry, Neppoo, his Mother and father sat down to play Hearts; a game o' cards. As they did this, Henry passed Neppoo the "Clooch", which is, for those of you who do not know, the Queen of Spades. Henry said, "I have passed you the Kloochee Kloochee Kloochee!" Neppoo looked at him and then looked at his cards. He then realized that Henry had not lied. He had, in fact, passed him the Clooch along with the Ace of Diamonds and the King of Hearts. Neppoo groaned for he knew that he could not win that match.
While they played, Henry started to call Neppoo a little b*****d and another word which is not nearly as nice as the afore-mentioned word. They went on as such for the remainder of the night. Towards the end of the visit, when Neppoo's father started to get tired, Neppoo thought of something that he had forgotten earlier. Being a Trekker (more commonly known as a Trekkie) as he was, he knew that the people of that kind had a certain hand salute. He then decided that there should be a hand salute to go with the newly founded B*****d Patch. He then decided that it would be a sort of inter-locking of the hand of two persons. It was done as such. The two hands were placed vertically (like they were about to give each other high-fives). Then, they would interlock the tops of their hands (namely their fingers starting at the joint). After this, they would apply pressure to the other's hand until one of them gave way. After that, however, they usually did not apply the pressure since Henry's arm was beginning to hurt quite a bit due to the fact that he had somehow gotten his nerve pinched. This is how the 7-letter-word-for-a-child-out-of-wedlock was founded. It is not nearly as complicated as some legends have put it. This is historical fact. (Authors Note: It truly is. It really happened almost exactly as I have now put it. I am not sure, however, of the choice of cards. But, this is also where the fact ends and the fiction begins.) Now, it happened that one day, Lindee, Neppoo's Mother and father went to the casino. Henry refused to go (despite Neppoo's Mother's constant and virtually constant demands). So, Henry and Neppoo went to the pictures. They went to see a new release. Neppoo did not much enjoy the cinema but it happened that this one movie he enjoyed quite thoroughly. However, on the way back, a strange event transpired. As Henry drove, he hit a large pot-hole in the street. So large was the pot-hole that Henry and Neppoo were flung suddenly from the vehicle in motion. However, they were not truly flung. They simply were made to step out. But, to what they stepped out to was quite beyond Them. I can tell you that it was a fairly clear lift-tube. And so they shot upwards. They went along for many an hour (or eon) and finally emerged at a grassy field. At this, Henry promptly exclaimed:
"We're in The Patch, b*****d!"
"But I thought that The Patch was a thing that you had made up."
"Well, you thought wrong, b*****d. Oo, now I don't have to say that you will be going to The Patch. You're already there!"
"Aye and we beed." said Neppoo. "Come, let us explore our new domain since I assume that we shall not be going back to Lindee's house in the near future. We shall also have to elect a Patch Master B*****d and invent the Patch Law. But, first, the Patch Salute."
And with that, they shook hands in the manner of the Patch Salute.
Now, it happened that as they did this, a personnage came 'round to view what all the kaffufl was about. It was a lesser cat-bear. For those who know what it is, you will undoubtedly think "What the devil is a hun-ho doing in The B*****d Patch?" And you would have good reason to. But, at the time, the majority of the wahs of the world in fact lived in The B*****d Patch. In their spare time, they would normally enjoy a good game or two of either or both curling and cricket. However, this lesser panda was not in the mood to do either. He wanted to know who had dared to intrude on his domain. He came up and asked what they were doing in a foreign language:
"Nee shi shay nee yow maa?"
"I beg your pardon, Sir?" said Neppoo.
"Show maa?" asked the poonya.
"What's he saying?" asked Henry.
"How should I know?" said Neppoo then continued, "He is speaking in a language that I do not understand; most likely a form of Chinese."
"Wa poo shwa nee u yen." said the red hun-ho.
"Perhaps he would like to know who we are and what we would like." said Neppoo.
"Yes, this is most likely what he wants. What we need is a translator. I will ask if he knows where to find one." Looking towards the wah, Henry proceded to ask: "Sir, do you know where I might find a translator?" The hun-ho, not understanding, bit Henry. After much debate about why it had done this while the thing sat patiently, it was decided that it was trying to lead them to a bonspiel that was taking place in a village close by that was comprised of curling clubs and cricket pitches.
"I believe that we should follow it." said Henry.
"I concur" Neppoo said.
And so they were led to the local curling club by the wah where the bonspiel was taking place. When they got there, they met with the local curling official. It spoke English but in a halting and guttural way.
"Strawberry fields forever!", the old lesser cat-bear pronounced without L's.
Neppoo was taken aback. He had never thought that a strange animal (of which type he had no idea) would be talking about a Beatles song written most-likely, long before he had been born. Also, he had never thought that some people on Earth would not know of it and yet that a small little red raccoon-like thing would in a land he thought to be The B*****d Patch. Albeit, strange things had happened to him before. 'Nobody told me there'd be days like these. Strange days indeed!' he thought. 'We're taking a Magical Mystery Tour.'
"Have you any response, sirs, to my comment of Strawberry Fields Forever?"
"Well", began Neppoo, "I believe that it does not help us in the least. If, however, you could tell us how to return to our own world, this would be of great help."
"The way is long and hard. You must be ready to make great sacrifices of 7 points and more."
"Points?", inquired he who beed the uncle almighty of Neppoo.
"Oh. Excuse my foolishness. Perhaps I did not explain which type of points were to be lost. I meant that you will have to play in a bonspiel complete with round-robin play and play-offs using the Page play-off system. If you can win this, you may leave. If not, you shall have to play a round of cricket.
"But we play not cricket nor curling!", exclaimed Henry.
"Very well. You will now learn!", said the old hun-ho, and with that he punched both of the would-be b*****ds straight in the fore-head. Both b*****ds fell over from the weight of the punch. A dove flew by and said "Love is all you need!".
"Bee tsooei nee cha ga tsow neeow!" shouted one of the curlers in protest to the bird. They were afraid that the bird would defecate on the ice and thus cause the stone about to be delivered to be piqued. It was an out-of-doors curling sheet of ice that was in surprisingly good condition. It had very few imperfections. In fact, it could be said that it had no discernible imperfections whatsoever.
As the skip delivered the last rock of the game, Henry shouted to Neppoo:
"What about the Patch Rules?" thus causing the current rock to veer off course, hit another rock closer to the button thus winning the game when the skip that had just delivered should have won. The hun-hos looked and growled at Henry and Neppoo as if they were the world's worst pratts. The head wah looked and growled then said in a very garbled-with-rage voice:
"You bloody b*****d buggers! You've ruined the tournament! For the past thousand years, team Blom has won against team Molb!" As he said this, he jumped as if he were attempting to crush the ground beneath his paws.
Neppoo and Henry exchanged looks of terror; they believed that they were about to be lynched, or, worse, shot at with a blunderbuss, bayonet, cross-bow or other primitive weapons. But instead, they were taken by the lesser cat-bears. At that point, Henry and Neppoo went into the great void of nothingness and yet everythingness (also known as the un-concious state). The red pandas took their immobile bodies to the cricket pitch. There, they attached a large wooden board to their heads. They put tape around their ankles and hung them from their feet. They also put them in small wooden tubes (just enough to encompass their bodies). When they awoke, they could not see due to the omnipresent fact that they had large wooden boards attached to their heads. They noticed that they were hanging and thus tried to get off their wall-brackets. As they fell (miraculously in synchronization), they started to roll like cats rolling in mud. However, this was short lived for, at that very time, the red pandas came in their cricket uniforms to pick up their bats I. E.: Henry and Neppoo....
"And now, coming onto the field wielding their new bats, The Maha and Rishi Team feturing Maha and Rishi!"
The new bats that they were wielding were Henry and Neppoo.
"What's going on?", whispered Henry to Neppoo.
"I have a funny feeling that were are being utilized in a cricket match."
"And what shall we be doing in this cricket match?"
"Well, we shall be hitting balls with our heads."
Neppoo was indeed correct. Just as he said this, they were utilized.
Well, we shall leave that situation at that since it really is quite harmful to their persons. Let us re-join the as they are about to go to sleep. The game has just ended and it is presently 11:56.04.
"Henry."
"What? I'm trying to go to sleep."
"What, in your wooden cylindrical wooden tube?"
"Why, yes."
"I think not. We are going to try to escape from these b*****ds."
"Well, ok. Besides, I am starting to need my nitrogen-spray."
"Ok. Listen very carefully. This is what is going to happen. We are both going to stretch. This is imperative from two (2) reasons. Firstly, because we need to try to get the blood circulating better in our bodies. Secondly, it is the way that we are going to get out of these tubes. Ok?"
"Ok."
"Alright." said Neppoo. "One, two three!"
They stretched. But, after they finished, they were tired. But, they stretched some more and then....
"OUCH!"
They both had fallen (again in synchronization) from their wall-brackets.
"Aha, I do believe that we have fallen from our wall brackets." said Henry. "Now, according to you, the next step of the plan is to get out of the wooden tubes."
"I never said that we should get out, did I?"
"Yes you did."
"No, I said that stretching would be the way we would free from our bondage."
"Oh...."
"So, we shall stretch again. Ready?"
"Yes."
"Ok. One, two, three!"
They stretched again. Then, they were freed from their bondage as such. Luckily, somebody recorded the voices but not the scene. It sounds as such:
'Ahh! Ouch! Oh, my back! Were are the nearest facilities? I need some food!'
The, sadly, the tape ended and that was all to the tape, so, let us, once again, re-join our friends.
(That is all. If I, being the author decide to write another ending, I shall.) Good-day.
At an unknown time, a boy's uncle was watching television. The television show that he was watching was called the Tele-Tubies.
He noted that the place that they were in was called "The Patch". He went on watching it.
A few months ago, a boy and his uncle, aunt, mumsie and pa were seated at a table. The boy's name was Neppoo and his Aunt's name was Lindee. The uncle, whose name was Henry, had just been served a carrot-loaf made with carrots and Ritz crackers. Henry served one to Neppoo who immediately took it and started to eat it. As he did this, Henry exclaimed: "These are special carrots. They are from the patch; The B*****d Patch." Little Neppoo erupted into laughter. He thought that this was terribly hysterical. Then, Lindee, Neppoo, Neppoo's Mother and father started to eat the rest of the meal, which had been made on the Bar-B-Que by Neppoo.
Later that night, Lindee, Henry, Neppoo, his Mother and father sat down to play Hearts; a game o' cards. As they did this, Henry passed Neppoo the "Clooch", which is, for those of you who do not know, the Queen of Spades. Henry said, "I have passed you the Kloochee Kloochee Kloochee!" Neppoo looked at him and then looked at his cards. He then realized that Henry had not lied. He had, in fact, passed him the Clooch along with the Ace of Diamonds and the King of Hearts. Neppoo groaned for he knew that he could not win that match.
While they played, Henry started to call Neppoo a little b*****d and another word which is not nearly as nice as the afore-mentioned word. They went on as such for the remainder of the night. Towards the end of the visit, when Neppoo's father started to get tired, Neppoo thought of something that he had forgotten earlier. Being a Trekker (more commonly known as a Trekkie) as he was, he knew that the people of that kind had a certain hand salute. He then decided that there should be a hand salute to go with the newly founded B*****d Patch. He then decided that it would be a sort of inter-locking of the hand of two persons. It was done as such. The two hands were placed vertically (like they were about to give each other high-fives). Then, they would interlock the tops of their hands (namely their fingers starting at the joint). After this, they would apply pressure to the other's hand until one of them gave way. After that, however, they usually did not apply the pressure since Henry's arm was beginning to hurt quite a bit due to the fact that he had somehow gotten his nerve pinched. This is how the 7-letter-word-for-a-child-out-of-wedlock was founded. It is not nearly as complicated as some legends have put it. This is historical fact. (Authors Note: It truly is. It really happened almost exactly as I have now put it. I am not sure, however, of the choice of cards. But, this is also where the fact ends and the fiction begins.) Now, it happened that one day, Lindee, Neppoo's Mother and father went to the casino. Henry refused to go (despite Neppoo's Mother's constant and virtually constant demands). So, Henry and Neppoo went to the pictures. They went to see a new release. Neppoo did not much enjoy the cinema but it happened that this one movie he enjoyed quite thoroughly. However, on the way back, a strange event transpired. As Henry drove, he hit a large pot-hole in the street. So large was the pot-hole that Henry and Neppoo were flung suddenly from the vehicle in motion. However, they were not truly flung. They simply were made to step out. But, to what they stepped out to was quite beyond Them. I can tell you that it was a fairly clear lift-tube. And so they shot upwards. They went along for many an hour (or eon) and finally emerged at a grassy field. At this, Henry promptly exclaimed:
"We're in The Patch, b*****d!"
"But I thought that The Patch was a thing that you had made up."
"Well, you thought wrong, b*****d. Oo, now I don't have to say that you will be going to The Patch. You're already there!"
"Aye and we beed." said Neppoo. "Come, let us explore our new domain since I assume that we shall not be going back to Lindee's house in the near future. We shall also have to elect a Patch Master B*****d and invent the Patch Law. But, first, the Patch Salute."
And with that, they shook hands in the manner of the Patch Salute.
Now, it happened that as they did this, a personnage came 'round to view what all the kaffufl was about. It was a lesser cat-bear. For those who know what it is, you will undoubtedly think "What the devil is a hun-ho doing in The B*****d Patch?" And you would have good reason to. But, at the time, the majority of the wahs of the world in fact lived in The B*****d Patch. In their spare time, they would normally enjoy a good game or two of either or both curling and cricket. However, this lesser panda was not in the mood to do either. He wanted to know who had dared to intrude on his domain. He came up and asked what they were doing in a foreign language:
"Nee shi shay nee yow maa?"
"I beg your pardon, Sir?" said Neppoo.
"Show maa?" asked the poonya.
"What's he saying?" asked Henry.
"How should I know?" said Neppoo then continued, "He is speaking in a language that I do not understand; most likely a form of Chinese."
"Wa poo shwa nee u yen." said the red hun-ho.
"Perhaps he would like to know who we are and what we would like." said Neppoo.
"Yes, this is most likely what he wants. What we need is a translator. I will ask if he knows where to find one." Looking towards the wah, Henry proceded to ask: "Sir, do you know where I might find a translator?" The hun-ho, not understanding, bit Henry. After much debate about why it had done this while the thing sat patiently, it was decided that it was trying to lead them to a bonspiel that was taking place in a village close by that was comprised of curling clubs and cricket pitches.
"I believe that we should follow it." said Henry.
"I concur" Neppoo said.
And so they were led to the local curling club by the wah where the bonspiel was taking place. When they got there, they met with the local curling official. It spoke English but in a halting and guttural way.
"Strawberry fields forever!", the old lesser cat-bear pronounced without L's.
Neppoo was taken aback. He had never thought that a strange animal (of which type he had no idea) would be talking about a Beatles song written most-likely, long before he had been born. Also, he had never thought that some people on Earth would not know of it and yet that a small little red raccoon-like thing would in a land he thought to be The B*****d Patch. Albeit, strange things had happened to him before. 'Nobody told me there'd be days like these. Strange days indeed!' he thought. 'We're taking a Magical Mystery Tour.'
"Have you any response, sirs, to my comment of Strawberry Fields Forever?"
"Well", began Neppoo, "I believe that it does not help us in the least. If, however, you could tell us how to return to our own world, this would be of great help."
"The way is long and hard. You must be ready to make great sacrifices of 7 points and more."
"Points?", inquired he who beed the uncle almighty of Neppoo.
"Oh. Excuse my foolishness. Perhaps I did not explain which type of points were to be lost. I meant that you will have to play in a bonspiel complete with round-robin play and play-offs using the Page play-off system. If you can win this, you may leave. If not, you shall have to play a round of cricket.
"But we play not cricket nor curling!", exclaimed Henry.
"Very well. You will now learn!", said the old hun-ho, and with that he punched both of the would-be b*****ds straight in the fore-head. Both b*****ds fell over from the weight of the punch. A dove flew by and said "Love is all you need!".
"Bee tsooei nee cha ga tsow neeow!" shouted one of the curlers in protest to the bird. They were afraid that the bird would defecate on the ice and thus cause the stone about to be delivered to be piqued. It was an out-of-doors curling sheet of ice that was in surprisingly good condition. It had very few imperfections. In fact, it could be said that it had no discernible imperfections whatsoever.
As the skip delivered the last rock of the game, Henry shouted to Neppoo:
"What about the Patch Rules?" thus causing the current rock to veer off course, hit another rock closer to the button thus winning the game when the skip that had just delivered should have won. The hun-hos looked and growled at Henry and Neppoo as if they were the world's worst pratts. The head wah looked and growled then said in a very garbled-with-rage voice:
"You bloody b*****d buggers! You've ruined the tournament! For the past thousand years, team Blom has won against team Molb!" As he said this, he jumped as if he were attempting to crush the ground beneath his paws.
Neppoo and Henry exchanged looks of terror; they believed that they were about to be lynched, or, worse, shot at with a blunderbuss, bayonet, cross-bow or other primitive weapons. But instead, they were taken by the lesser cat-bears. At that point, Henry and Neppoo went into the great void of nothingness and yet everythingness (also known as the un-concious state). The red pandas took their immobile bodies to the cricket pitch. There, they attached a large wooden board to their heads. They put tape around their ankles and hung them from their feet. They also put them in small wooden tubes (just enough to encompass their bodies). When they awoke, they could not see due to the omnipresent fact that they had large wooden boards attached to their heads. They noticed that they were hanging and thus tried to get off their wall-brackets. As they fell (miraculously in synchronization), they started to roll like cats rolling in mud. However, this was short lived for, at that very time, the red pandas came in their cricket uniforms to pick up their bats I. E.: Henry and Neppoo....
"And now, coming onto the field wielding their new bats, The Maha and Rishi Team feturing Maha and Rishi!"
The new bats that they were wielding were Henry and Neppoo.
"What's going on?", whispered Henry to Neppoo.
"I have a funny feeling that were are being utilized in a cricket match."
"And what shall we be doing in this cricket match?"
"Well, we shall be hitting balls with our heads."
Neppoo was indeed correct. Just as he said this, they were utilized.
Well, we shall leave that situation at that since it really is quite harmful to their persons. Let us re-join the as they are about to go to sleep. The game has just ended and it is presently 11:56.04.
"Henry."
"What? I'm trying to go to sleep."
"What, in your wooden cylindrical wooden tube?"
"Why, yes."
"I think not. We are going to try to escape from these b*****ds."
"Well, ok. Besides, I am starting to need my nitrogen-spray."
"Ok. Listen very carefully. This is what is going to happen. We are both going to stretch. This is imperative from two (2) reasons. Firstly, because we need to try to get the blood circulating better in our bodies. Secondly, it is the way that we are going to get out of these tubes. Ok?"
"Ok."
"Alright." said Neppoo. "One, two three!"
They stretched. But, after they finished, they were tired. But, they stretched some more and then....
"OUCH!"
They both had fallen (again in synchronization) from their wall-brackets.
"Aha, I do believe that we have fallen from our wall brackets." said Henry. "Now, according to you, the next step of the plan is to get out of the wooden tubes."
"I never said that we should get out, did I?"
"Yes you did."
"No, I said that stretching would be the way we would free from our bondage."
"Oh...."
"So, we shall stretch again. Ready?"
"Yes."
"Ok. One, two, three!"
They stretched again. Then, they were freed from their bondage as such. Luckily, somebody recorded the voices but not the scene. It sounds as such:
'Ahh! Ouch! Oh, my back! Were are the nearest facilities? I need some food!'
The, sadly, the tape ended and that was all to the tape, so, let us, once again, re-join our friends.
(That is all. If I, being the author decide to write another ending, I shall.) Good-day.
