Are We Anywhere Near It?
Created | Updated Mar 15, 2004
Author's Note: For a key to this story, please, see "Key to Are We Anywhere Near it?" located at A790797.
1*
"Are we anywhere near it? This chanting should be a clue, no?"
"No. It should not be happening since we are in a helicopter."
"Then explain it."
"I can not."
"I thought as much."
1*
Suddenly, I felt a pounding thud.
"Captain, what's going on?"
"I don't know, my instruments read that everything is normal and the sounds are all good."
"Excuse me, you said sounds?"
"Yes."
"So you're saying that you make a diagnostic of your helicopter by the noise it makes?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Great."
1*
"Who is this Gaheella2* character the voices keep speaking of?" I asked of the pilot.
"Shut up you bloody b*****d bugger! Bleeh!"5*
With that, he pushed the ejection seat button. I was hurtled away from the main cabin. The propulsion system caught and I gently soared down to the ground.
***
Gud King Wensislas lukkd aoot uppon thu feest ov steven.3*
These be the words to which reached unto my auditory receptors4*. What had the captain done to me and why?
"Nahhaknahhoonna!"5*
Damn that stupid bloody idiotic b*****d to hellfire and smithereens! He has left me upon the island of...6* to die! Aye! But nay say I. Aye! Perhaps I should visit the large stone building that I see and that seems to be emanating those noises. Erp!5*
With that, my shoulders went up, my head to the side and I became still as rock. When I awoke, I was in the centre of a platter of wobbly green jell-o that was saying "goop goop'' as it sucked the vacuums that I created by trying to swim out of the green jell-o. However, there was no such luck seeing as I had boots made of lead tied onto my feet and gloves of the same element tied onto my hands. I spent a good 13 minutes in the jell-o before I got tired of it and thus sank with a large 'shlurmp' to the bottom. Then I realized: "I shall never stride due to the omni-present fact that I am in a platter of wobbly green jell-o. So, I shall eat my way out."7* Dost not ye ken that all shall be alright?8* And so, I embarked upon my mission. Then, the bloody, thirsty Spinach Noodles of Hell came. They came...-wait for it-... to... smell my... my... nose! Dear God, what the hell could they possibly want with my nose? I do believe that I shall have to decline seeing as I do not like bloody thirsty Spinach Noodles of Hell smelling me, or, for that matter, being within one parsec9* of me. However, I am afraid that I could not resist them, seeing as I was in a large and wobbly platter of goopping green jell-o with weights of lead tied to my hands and feet.
"Eek. That tickles." said I with no emotion whatsoever. I did not feel like outing any emotion. So, I started speaking in Latin (in Latin, one needs no emotion in your voice; the words and how you conjugate them are quite good enough. And even if they were not, I would have spoken in Latin anyway. I was in the mood. However, since Latin is a fairly dead language which not many people speak fluently, I shall only put the translations of what I say.).
"You nose of an elephant." I exclaimed with no emotion. "How dare you? Do you know who I am? I am a person. And spinach noodles have no right to smell humans."
To my absolute surprise, it answered me in Latin. I give you now the translation.
"You stupid idiot!" it answered with much emotion. "How dare you even attempt to speak in the Holy Tongue?" When he said Holy Tongue, he looked up to the ceiling. "What have you et of my pet?"10* it then proceeded to ask of me. I responded wit the following inquisition. "What pet?" "The one you are standing in and etting. Would you like me to put you into the gaol? No? Then stop resisting me! Eek!5*" Suddenly, their shoulders went up, their heads to the left and they magically appeared inside the jell-o with me, their hands and feet in the same weighted appendage protectors. I, however, was suddenly liberated from my gaol of sorts. Now it was time to explore. At that very moment, and quite unexpectedly, I might add, the song Julia8* popped into my head. Only, it was in Latin. This is how the next second of my life went: I started to walk a step when the guitar solo in the song almost stopped. Now, I shall return to the present temporal frame. I walked until I heard a whoosh. Then, I immediately looked sideways, then down, then the other side. I kood3* not identify what the sound II had heard was (or had) emanat(ed)(ing)11* from. So, I walked on. Suddenly, I heard more Latin. The translation:
"I am the flying pink lizard who flew o'er the sea! And you aren't! Rupch!" (This it said by talking inwards.)
More Latin assailed my ears. But, from a different source.
"...and furthermore, sir, you shall never again deceive me, or any one else in this 24th world again."
What the blazes is he speaking of? Twenty-fourth world? Indeed! How silly.
"No, please", said another voice in Latin. "Not the nullification chamber!"
"Indeed. Prepare the nullification chamber for one...."
At that very moment, I walked out of eardisstance. I was getting bloody scared (not to mention, hungry, thirsty, tired, groggy, drowsy....) when suddenly, out of no where came... an adiutrix12*. At that point, obviously I did not know what was transpiring nor what, in fact, this thing (that's what it was) was. I immediately took the defensive by saying: "Blump!"13*. Now, I'll admit, no one would know what exactly this word would mean (after all, I had just made it up) but, still, I said it loud enough for the point to get across the universe8*. It responded by saying: "I am your adiutrix. I shall help you on your noble quest to smell the Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, omni recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus.14*"
Erm, pardon me, O reader, for my Latin translation skills have gone awry. B+e+alt0246+r+n= Bear & Identity!15* Yes! I've got it! Now, I can smell the Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, Omni Recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus!
"Adiutrix, I accept." I called out to my adiutrix (v16*(which was really a kiwi.)v16*->({}[]|\/vV)<- are really parentheses and not brockets nor brackets! Idiots! Illigitami!17*).
"Most excellent! Let us be on our way. Oh, and please, do not refer to me by any name. Just talk to me. When referring to me to another person, don't."
"Alright."
"Come. Speedily now. Chop chop. This way."
The kiwi (I told you it was important. Did you get that?) led me down some stairs. And more stairs. And more... and more.... Soon, we were so far below ground that it was starting to get hot as we neared the upper mantle. Then, we reached a deep pit. It was extraordinarily hot here; 50°C to be precise. I started to faint. No, I was being pushed into the pit. By whom? Surly not the kiwi (you see how important those two signs were? I told you so....)! All it has, are, well, you know! But yes! It was!
"Why do you push me into the pit of Hell Fire?"
"Because you would never go yourself. It is an illusion. It's really a little pool of water with some more steps. The heat makes you think that here be a pit of Hell Fire. It be na18*. Please, step onto it."
"Why don't you first?"
"Because the illusion will be that I am burning. But I won't be. But, you won't know that. Please, just GO! JUST DO AS I SAY!"19*
I became very scared just then because of it. So, natürlich20*, I took a step back. To my surprise, I felt something deliciously cool on my footses. I looked down and was standing (and not falling into the pit of Hell Fire) in a small pool of water.
"Ehem."
"Yubushmubu21*, sorry." I mumbled.
"Danke sie22*. Now, go down those steps. No need to hold you breath; you shan't be falling."
Indeed, it was very shallow. A the centre of the pool was a wall of sorts. This wall was circular, about 2 feet high and made of stone. I was about to step over it when I was cautioned not to. I was told sit on the rim, turn myself so that my feet dangled into the stairway and then drop down to the first stair about 30 furlongs23* down (or, fifteen Canadian foot ball fields). I was about to do this when I realized he had said 30 furlongs.
"And how am I supposed to A: survive that in the pitch black to land on the first stair and B: land on the first stair and stay there?"
"Simple. You'll have me. I am your adiutrix, nay?"
"You have a point thither. Wery well. I'll loo lit24*. But, come onto my hand."
"As ye prayeth."
"Jump!"
As I fell at sixteen feet/second/second,25* I heard Richard Strauss' Also Sprach Zarathustra.
"Dost thou hearest that as well?"
"Aye."
"Why dost we speaketh as such?"
"I dinna ken."
"Aye and ye be na kenning, aye and ye be.
"Aye."
At ye exact end o' ye song, we finally reacheth'd ye bottom. Aye, 'twas good to placeth mine feet upon ye ground.
"Whither dost we goeth towards now?"
"Ye termination o' ye tunnel. Thither shall be ye Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, omni recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus."
"Very well. We departeth!"
And so we walkethed towards our mutual goal. Along ye way, Ye Continuing Story o' Bungalow Bill8* poppethed into mine head. We then arrivethed at our mutual destination just as ye song terminated. And thither, lo and behold! was ye Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, omni recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus!
"We greateh you!" I exclaimethed.
"We?"
"Aye. Do na you vieweth ye bird?"
"Nay! Pray you, sir, telleth me. What trickery dost you playeth upon me?"
"But simply hither! Upon mine outstretchethed hand! Ye bird... be na thither."
"Good sir, you art daft. Now, pray telleth me. What dost you prayeth of me?"
"To smelleth you."
"Very well. Come hither and smelleth."
I wenteth towards ye Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, omni recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus and smellethed. Then I returnethed (as if by magic) back to my house where I took a long cold bath/shower (or, as I love to call them, bowwers) and fell asleep.
When I awoke, it was fourteen hundred hours26*. I decided to philosophize. I like doing that; especially when it is the morning (at least, for me it was; I had just awoken from a fitful sleep). My cat (a completely black cat) came to great me. It meowed then proceeded to purr as I pet it. I started to think. What had happened to me on this adventure? Why, when I had smelt the Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, omni recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus had I suddenly appeared back in my home? Perhaps, that was a different reality? Nah. I think that the kiwi…. Hey! What happened to the kiwi? My adiutrix? I shall have to go and search for it.
And so it was. For 60 days and 59 night, I searched high and low für mine27* adiutrix but, nay!, I foundifieded28* it na. Damn and blast! However, on the sixtieth nuit29*, I heard some' at 'pon30* the street. It read: "Trouver sur la rue, un petit kiwi. Si sa vous appartenez, veuillez nous contacter à: (514) 635-6363. Merci pour votre co-opération. Post Scriptum : Si sa ne vous appartenez pas, s'il vous plait, ne nous contacter pas! Merci encore pour votre co-opération.31*" I thought to myself: "That's it! It just has to be it!" And I was not proved incorrect. It was indeed mine32* adiutrix. So, I contacted them. They were a French family living in a place called Dorval Island. I'd never heard of it. But, seeing as I sp(ea)(o)k(e)11* French, I decided to call.
" Bonjour? Oui, allô?"
" Oui, ici le personne qui a perdu son kiwi. Vous l'avez, madame? "
" Euh, bien oui. Vous pouvez le chercher lendemain. On habite a : 63 Rue Peel. "
" Bon. Est-ce que je peut y chercher un papier? "
" Wo-ouais ", elle m'a dit. Quand j'ai panser de ça, j'ai penser du chanson Siffler sur la Colline.
" Je suis de retour. Est-ce que vous pouvais me donner votre adresse encore? "
" Oui. C'est 63 rue Peel. Avez vous besoin de direction? "
" Oui, madame. S'il te plait. "
She gave me the directions to her house. The day after the next day, I went and fetched mine32* kiwi. I askefieded34* it what had transpired.
"Well, when you went to smell the Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, omni recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus, it sent you back home. Then, it sent me back to where I had never gone.
"Mngahha! Nganganga! Eye neeoo eet!35* I could tell... by the look... in your eyes! It's not a dream!"
"Dream!"
"It's not a dream!"
"Dream!"
"It's not a dream!"
"Dream!"
"It's not a dream!"
"Babbabbabbabbabba."36*
"Well, that was indeed quite amusing. We should do it more often.", said I.
"Yes, you're quite right. However, not for the next 47 hours, 12 minutes and 8 seconds.37*"
"I concur."
"So…."
"So….", I ditted38*.
"Hey, was that the telephone?"
"Um, I don't think so."
"Oh. Ok…."
"Hey, I had a dream 3 nights ago. Wanna hear it?"
"Sure!", it said.
"Ok. I was back in school and all I had was a very nice robe on. It was white. And there was this evil-looking teacher who came and tried to look down my robe while she had a very strange look on her face. After that, two guys came and one said: "From your elbow to your wrist is an Aeschuumme in Jin!" However, after the word elbow, the two guys said it together. Isn't that interesting?"
"Sure is! Wowsers! I am indeed impressed!"
"Well…", said I, "I invented the spelling of the word. I tried to make it as complicated as I could so that it would be interesting to me. So, I'll tell you how. Ready?"
"Ready!"
"Ok. Here's how it goes. A…."
"Oh my lord!"
"Alright now. Next letter: E!"
"Jesus!"
"Ya, followed by S."
"Corpus Christi!"
"Absolutely. C"
"Wow…."
"U."
"Are you saying it's….?"
"Yes."
"Ohhhh…."
"And then H!"
"Oooooooooo…."
"U and then another U"
"Aaaaaaaaaa…."
"Double M!"
"Huuuuuuuuu…."
"And, for the grand finale…."
"Yes?"
"Drum roll, please!"
"bdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbd…."
"E!"
"Woohhoo!"
"Ahh! Thank you, thank you!", I spoke.
At that point, the song "Hallelujah!" was heard. We stopped dead. We were both terrified. My cat came running into my arms.
"What's that?", my companion said.
"Erm, it sounds like "Hallelujah".
"Yes. It does. But, where does it arrive from and is this it's final destination?"
"I have no idea. Perhaps we should ask the strange monolith which has suddenly arrived."
"Or, perhaps the old man eating in his cigar-jacket."
"Or, perhaps the extraordinarily old man the bed that has just come here."
"Yes. I think perhaps also we should ask the astronaut who is in his orange space suit. Hmmmm-ahhhh?39*"
"Indeed. I concur."
"Alright. Excuse me, sir, yes you. The one eating. Yes. What is transpiring in my living-room?"
"…."
"Alright, Excuse me, Mr. Astronaut, what transpires presently?"
"…."
"Ok. Excuse me, sir in the bed, what exactly is going on here?"
"…."
"Alright! I've had enough! Out!"
Nothing happened.
"Out, I say! Out!", I roared.
Suddenly, we were in space. The Moon was there. The Earth was there. And so was a very small human baby. It would have been still in the womb. However, it was out but in the same position as if it were in. Oh dear. And there I was along with my cat and the kiwi. We did not have to breath; we were just there. Then, again, I heard something. Something faint and growing louder. It was "Also Sprach Zarathustra", by Richard Strauss.40* I felt like watching 2001: A Space Odyssey. So, I did. And so it was. That is all. Good- (dawn)(morning)(day)(evening)(dusk)(night).41* Indeed!42*
1*
"Are we anywhere near it? This chanting should be a clue, no?"
"No. It should not be happening since we are in a helicopter."
"Then explain it."
"I can not."
"I thought as much."
1*
Suddenly, I felt a pounding thud.
"Captain, what's going on?"
"I don't know, my instruments read that everything is normal and the sounds are all good."
"Excuse me, you said sounds?"
"Yes."
"So you're saying that you make a diagnostic of your helicopter by the noise it makes?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Great."
1*
"Who is this Gaheella2* character the voices keep speaking of?" I asked of the pilot.
"Shut up you bloody b*****d bugger! Bleeh!"5*
With that, he pushed the ejection seat button. I was hurtled away from the main cabin. The propulsion system caught and I gently soared down to the ground.
***
Gud King Wensislas lukkd aoot uppon thu feest ov steven.3*
These be the words to which reached unto my auditory receptors4*. What had the captain done to me and why?
"Nahhaknahhoonna!"5*
Damn that stupid bloody idiotic b*****d to hellfire and smithereens! He has left me upon the island of...6* to die! Aye! But nay say I. Aye! Perhaps I should visit the large stone building that I see and that seems to be emanating those noises. Erp!5*
With that, my shoulders went up, my head to the side and I became still as rock. When I awoke, I was in the centre of a platter of wobbly green jell-o that was saying "goop goop'' as it sucked the vacuums that I created by trying to swim out of the green jell-o. However, there was no such luck seeing as I had boots made of lead tied onto my feet and gloves of the same element tied onto my hands. I spent a good 13 minutes in the jell-o before I got tired of it and thus sank with a large 'shlurmp' to the bottom. Then I realized: "I shall never stride due to the omni-present fact that I am in a platter of wobbly green jell-o. So, I shall eat my way out."7* Dost not ye ken that all shall be alright?8* And so, I embarked upon my mission. Then, the bloody, thirsty Spinach Noodles of Hell came. They came...-wait for it-... to... smell my... my... nose! Dear God, what the hell could they possibly want with my nose? I do believe that I shall have to decline seeing as I do not like bloody thirsty Spinach Noodles of Hell smelling me, or, for that matter, being within one parsec9* of me. However, I am afraid that I could not resist them, seeing as I was in a large and wobbly platter of goopping green jell-o with weights of lead tied to my hands and feet.
"Eek. That tickles." said I with no emotion whatsoever. I did not feel like outing any emotion. So, I started speaking in Latin (in Latin, one needs no emotion in your voice; the words and how you conjugate them are quite good enough. And even if they were not, I would have spoken in Latin anyway. I was in the mood. However, since Latin is a fairly dead language which not many people speak fluently, I shall only put the translations of what I say.).
"You nose of an elephant." I exclaimed with no emotion. "How dare you? Do you know who I am? I am a person. And spinach noodles have no right to smell humans."
To my absolute surprise, it answered me in Latin. I give you now the translation.
"You stupid idiot!" it answered with much emotion. "How dare you even attempt to speak in the Holy Tongue?" When he said Holy Tongue, he looked up to the ceiling. "What have you et of my pet?"10* it then proceeded to ask of me. I responded wit the following inquisition. "What pet?" "The one you are standing in and etting. Would you like me to put you into the gaol? No? Then stop resisting me! Eek!5*" Suddenly, their shoulders went up, their heads to the left and they magically appeared inside the jell-o with me, their hands and feet in the same weighted appendage protectors. I, however, was suddenly liberated from my gaol of sorts. Now it was time to explore. At that very moment, and quite unexpectedly, I might add, the song Julia8* popped into my head. Only, it was in Latin. This is how the next second of my life went: I started to walk a step when the guitar solo in the song almost stopped. Now, I shall return to the present temporal frame. I walked until I heard a whoosh. Then, I immediately looked sideways, then down, then the other side. I kood3* not identify what the sound II had heard was (or had) emanat(ed)(ing)11* from. So, I walked on. Suddenly, I heard more Latin. The translation:
"I am the flying pink lizard who flew o'er the sea! And you aren't! Rupch!" (This it said by talking inwards.)
More Latin assailed my ears. But, from a different source.
"...and furthermore, sir, you shall never again deceive me, or any one else in this 24th world again."
What the blazes is he speaking of? Twenty-fourth world? Indeed! How silly.
"No, please", said another voice in Latin. "Not the nullification chamber!"
"Indeed. Prepare the nullification chamber for one...."
At that very moment, I walked out of eardisstance. I was getting bloody scared (not to mention, hungry, thirsty, tired, groggy, drowsy....) when suddenly, out of no where came... an adiutrix12*. At that point, obviously I did not know what was transpiring nor what, in fact, this thing (that's what it was) was. I immediately took the defensive by saying: "Blump!"13*. Now, I'll admit, no one would know what exactly this word would mean (after all, I had just made it up) but, still, I said it loud enough for the point to get across the universe8*. It responded by saying: "I am your adiutrix. I shall help you on your noble quest to smell the Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, omni recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus.14*"
Erm, pardon me, O reader, for my Latin translation skills have gone awry. B+e+alt0246+r+n= Bear & Identity!15* Yes! I've got it! Now, I can smell the Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, Omni Recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus!
"Adiutrix, I accept." I called out to my adiutrix (v16*(which was really a kiwi.)v16*->({}[]|\/vV)<- are really parentheses and not brockets nor brackets! Idiots! Illigitami!17*).
"Most excellent! Let us be on our way. Oh, and please, do not refer to me by any name. Just talk to me. When referring to me to another person, don't."
"Alright."
"Come. Speedily now. Chop chop. This way."
The kiwi (I told you it was important. Did you get that?) led me down some stairs. And more stairs. And more... and more.... Soon, we were so far below ground that it was starting to get hot as we neared the upper mantle. Then, we reached a deep pit. It was extraordinarily hot here; 50°C to be precise. I started to faint. No, I was being pushed into the pit. By whom? Surly not the kiwi (you see how important those two signs were? I told you so....)! All it has, are, well, you know! But yes! It was!
"Why do you push me into the pit of Hell Fire?"
"Because you would never go yourself. It is an illusion. It's really a little pool of water with some more steps. The heat makes you think that here be a pit of Hell Fire. It be na18*. Please, step onto it."
"Why don't you first?"
"Because the illusion will be that I am burning. But I won't be. But, you won't know that. Please, just GO! JUST DO AS I SAY!"19*
I became very scared just then because of it. So, natürlich20*, I took a step back. To my surprise, I felt something deliciously cool on my footses. I looked down and was standing (and not falling into the pit of Hell Fire) in a small pool of water.
"Ehem."
"Yubushmubu21*, sorry." I mumbled.
"Danke sie22*. Now, go down those steps. No need to hold you breath; you shan't be falling."
Indeed, it was very shallow. A the centre of the pool was a wall of sorts. This wall was circular, about 2 feet high and made of stone. I was about to step over it when I was cautioned not to. I was told sit on the rim, turn myself so that my feet dangled into the stairway and then drop down to the first stair about 30 furlongs23* down (or, fifteen Canadian foot ball fields). I was about to do this when I realized he had said 30 furlongs.
"And how am I supposed to A: survive that in the pitch black to land on the first stair and B: land on the first stair and stay there?"
"Simple. You'll have me. I am your adiutrix, nay?"
"You have a point thither. Wery well. I'll loo lit24*. But, come onto my hand."
"As ye prayeth."
"Jump!"
As I fell at sixteen feet/second/second,25* I heard Richard Strauss' Also Sprach Zarathustra.
"Dost thou hearest that as well?"
"Aye."
"Why dost we speaketh as such?"
"I dinna ken."
"Aye and ye be na kenning, aye and ye be.
"Aye."
At ye exact end o' ye song, we finally reacheth'd ye bottom. Aye, 'twas good to placeth mine feet upon ye ground.
"Whither dost we goeth towards now?"
"Ye termination o' ye tunnel. Thither shall be ye Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, omni recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus."
"Very well. We departeth!"
And so we walkethed towards our mutual goal. Along ye way, Ye Continuing Story o' Bungalow Bill8* poppethed into mine head. We then arrivethed at our mutual destination just as ye song terminated. And thither, lo and behold! was ye Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, omni recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus!
"We greateh you!" I exclaimethed.
"We?"
"Aye. Do na you vieweth ye bird?"
"Nay! Pray you, sir, telleth me. What trickery dost you playeth upon me?"
"But simply hither! Upon mine outstretchethed hand! Ye bird... be na thither."
"Good sir, you art daft. Now, pray telleth me. What dost you prayeth of me?"
"To smelleth you."
"Very well. Come hither and smelleth."
I wenteth towards ye Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, omni recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus and smellethed. Then I returnethed (as if by magic) back to my house where I took a long cold bath/shower (or, as I love to call them, bowwers) and fell asleep.
When I awoke, it was fourteen hundred hours26*. I decided to philosophize. I like doing that; especially when it is the morning (at least, for me it was; I had just awoken from a fitful sleep). My cat (a completely black cat) came to great me. It meowed then proceeded to purr as I pet it. I started to think. What had happened to me on this adventure? Why, when I had smelt the Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, omni recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus had I suddenly appeared back in my home? Perhaps, that was a different reality? Nah. I think that the kiwi…. Hey! What happened to the kiwi? My adiutrix? I shall have to go and search for it.
And so it was. For 60 days and 59 night, I searched high and low für mine27* adiutrix but, nay!, I foundifieded28* it na. Damn and blast! However, on the sixtieth nuit29*, I heard some' at 'pon30* the street. It read: "Trouver sur la rue, un petit kiwi. Si sa vous appartenez, veuillez nous contacter à: (514) 635-6363. Merci pour votre co-opération. Post Scriptum : Si sa ne vous appartenez pas, s'il vous plait, ne nous contacter pas! Merci encore pour votre co-opération.31*" I thought to myself: "That's it! It just has to be it!" And I was not proved incorrect. It was indeed mine32* adiutrix. So, I contacted them. They were a French family living in a place called Dorval Island. I'd never heard of it. But, seeing as I sp(ea)(o)k(e)11* French, I decided to call.
" Bonjour? Oui, allô?"
" Oui, ici le personne qui a perdu son kiwi. Vous l'avez, madame? "
" Euh, bien oui. Vous pouvez le chercher lendemain. On habite a : 63 Rue Peel. "
" Bon. Est-ce que je peut y chercher un papier? "
" Wo-ouais ", elle m'a dit. Quand j'ai panser de ça, j'ai penser du chanson Siffler sur la Colline.
" Je suis de retour. Est-ce que vous pouvais me donner votre adresse encore? "
" Oui. C'est 63 rue Peel. Avez vous besoin de direction? "
" Oui, madame. S'il te plait. "
She gave me the directions to her house. The day after the next day, I went and fetched mine32* kiwi. I askefieded34* it what had transpired.
"Well, when you went to smell the Omni Mighty, Omni Powerful, Omnipotent, et cetera, et alii, ad nauseum, et alia, videlicet, exempli gratia, omni recis et qui est, prima facie, id est Deus, it sent you back home. Then, it sent me back to where I had never gone.
"Mngahha! Nganganga! Eye neeoo eet!35* I could tell... by the look... in your eyes! It's not a dream!"
"Dream!"
"It's not a dream!"
"Dream!"
"It's not a dream!"
"Dream!"
"It's not a dream!"
"Babbabbabbabbabba."36*
"Well, that was indeed quite amusing. We should do it more often.", said I.
"Yes, you're quite right. However, not for the next 47 hours, 12 minutes and 8 seconds.37*"
"I concur."
"So…."
"So….", I ditted38*.
"Hey, was that the telephone?"
"Um, I don't think so."
"Oh. Ok…."
"Hey, I had a dream 3 nights ago. Wanna hear it?"
"Sure!", it said.
"Ok. I was back in school and all I had was a very nice robe on. It was white. And there was this evil-looking teacher who came and tried to look down my robe while she had a very strange look on her face. After that, two guys came and one said: "From your elbow to your wrist is an Aeschuumme in Jin!" However, after the word elbow, the two guys said it together. Isn't that interesting?"
"Sure is! Wowsers! I am indeed impressed!"
"Well…", said I, "I invented the spelling of the word. I tried to make it as complicated as I could so that it would be interesting to me. So, I'll tell you how. Ready?"
"Ready!"
"Ok. Here's how it goes. A…."
"Oh my lord!"
"Alright now. Next letter: E!"
"Jesus!"
"Ya, followed by S."
"Corpus Christi!"
"Absolutely. C"
"Wow…."
"U."
"Are you saying it's….?"
"Yes."
"Ohhhh…."
"And then H!"
"Oooooooooo…."
"U and then another U"
"Aaaaaaaaaa…."
"Double M!"
"Huuuuuuuuu…."
"And, for the grand finale…."
"Yes?"
"Drum roll, please!"
"bdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbd…."
"E!"
"Woohhoo!"
"Ahh! Thank you, thank you!", I spoke.
At that point, the song "Hallelujah!" was heard. We stopped dead. We were both terrified. My cat came running into my arms.
"What's that?", my companion said.
"Erm, it sounds like "Hallelujah".
"Yes. It does. But, where does it arrive from and is this it's final destination?"
"I have no idea. Perhaps we should ask the strange monolith which has suddenly arrived."
"Or, perhaps the old man eating in his cigar-jacket."
"Or, perhaps the extraordinarily old man the bed that has just come here."
"Yes. I think perhaps also we should ask the astronaut who is in his orange space suit. Hmmmm-ahhhh?39*"
"Indeed. I concur."
"Alright. Excuse me, sir, yes you. The one eating. Yes. What is transpiring in my living-room?"
"…."
"Alright, Excuse me, Mr. Astronaut, what transpires presently?"
"…."
"Ok. Excuse me, sir in the bed, what exactly is going on here?"
"…."
"Alright! I've had enough! Out!"
Nothing happened.
"Out, I say! Out!", I roared.
Suddenly, we were in space. The Moon was there. The Earth was there. And so was a very small human baby. It would have been still in the womb. However, it was out but in the same position as if it were in. Oh dear. And there I was along with my cat and the kiwi. We did not have to breath; we were just there. Then, again, I heard something. Something faint and growing louder. It was "Also Sprach Zarathustra", by Richard Strauss.40* I felt like watching 2001: A Space Odyssey. So, I did. And so it was. That is all. Good- (dawn)(morning)(day)(evening)(dusk)(night).41* Indeed!42*
