Purpose Of Existence, Uses Of
Created | Updated Jun 24, 2002
There are three main things you can do with the purpose of existence:
1. Use It as a Chat-up Line.
The key here is not to jump straight into it - build up to announcing the purpose of existence with a little light conversation. One way to begin is by offering to buy the other person a drink. The drink itself will not cost a great deal, and will have had the dual effect of making you seem generous whilst making the other person a little more drunk. Of course, it is advisable to follow this approach in a setting such as a bar or club, where drinks are generally available. Offering to buy someone a drink when in a swimming pool, for example, may confuse them.
Once you have bought them a drink, you should try to steer the conversation towards the purpose of existence. It is, however, vital to do this subtly. Immediately blurting out 'What do you reckon the purpose of existence is, then?' upon returning from the bar may not yield quite the desired result. Rather, try talking about things you may have in common: comment on the music that is playing, perhaps, or compliment their choice of clothing. Once you have grown a little more comfortable with one another, start dropping hints about 'ultimate meaning' and 'the nature of the universe'. From there, it is only a short step to announcing that you have discovered the purpose of existence, and after that, success is more or less guaranteed.
The vital thing to remember when using the purpose of existence as a chat-up line is to be yourself, and to keep in mind that 'yourself' is an entirely subjective term - you know the purpose of existence, and thus can be whoever the hell you like.
2. Use It to Win Arguments.
There is nothing that crushes someone's argument quite so effectively as the knowledge that their opponent is aware of the purpose of existence. Take, for example, the following encounter:
A: Well, maybe if you could remember where you put the keys, we wouldn't be in this mess.
B: I remember precisely where I put the keys, it's just that they're not there any more.
A: You mean you've lost them.
B: I haven't lost them, they're just not where I expected them to be, alright?
A: Oh, they're not where you expected them to be. Well, maybe if you cleaned up the mess round here every now and again, you wouldn't keep losing things.
B: I just said, I haven't lost them.
A: No, you just have absolutely no idea where they are, and now we're going to be late. If this isn't losing something, perhaps you could tell me what is?
B: Well...
A: This is wonderful, absolutely wonderful. We're going to be late, even though I specifically told you about twenty times -
B: I know the purpose of existence.
A: - that we needed to... what did you say?
B: I know the purpose of existence.
A: ...oh.
B: Yes. Now, what were you saying?
A: Oh, um... it wasn't important. I'll be in the car.
B: Good. I'll be out just as soon as I've found my keys.
A: Okay.
By letting the other person know, calmly and clearly, that you have unravelled the greatest philosophical problem in human history, you send out a clear message: 'Don't mess with me, I'm better than you.' In most cases, this will quickly defuse any tension as they submit to your superior intellect.
Some people, however, may be unimpressed by your superiority, and may continue to argue even after you have played your trump card. The best course of action in these instances is to hit them in the nose.
3. Forget It.
The third and final use for the purpose of existence is to completely forget it. The only thing cooler than knowing it is to have forgotten it. Imagine the scene - you are chatting with some of your fellow philosophers one evening, and the conversation naturally turns to the subject of the purpose of existence. A few weak postulations are offered from those in the room and subsequently shouted down, then you casually drop in:
'Oh, I discovered the purpose of existence a while back.'
A stunned silence settles over the room. One of the existentialists chokes on his cider.
'So,' says someone finally, 'what is it?' You wave a hand in the air and smile winningly.
'Oh, it's really not very interesting. In fact, I think I've forgotten it. Shall I get some more drinks in?'
Imagine the looks on their faces as you get up from your chair - now that's respect.
One final word of advice: once you have discovered the purpose of existence, don't tell anyone else. By all means, let people know that you have discovered it - this is half the fun - but don't go telling them what it actually is. After all, you don't want to go spoiling it for them.