Shagbark's Joke File
Created | Updated Jul 1, 2013
Since I have been telling so many jokes over the last few years
someone suggested I write a book 
.
But since that is too much work , I figured I would keep them here instead
Since most of my jokes are seasonal I am putting them here by month.
therefore we begin with
January
a man was thinking about the problem of drinking too much on New Years Eve. This so distressed him he made a New years Resolution to stop thinking about it.
A man was driving home from the New years celebration. He mentioned to his passenger- It is going to be a good year-It looks like everything is coming my way.
Then the cop pulled him over for driving the wrong way on a one way street.
Did you hear about the snowman that lost his assets? He put them in a snowbank and they were liquidated.
If I shipped a dairy cow across the arctic circle, would it become an escamoo, (long pause)
~~~~~~~~~~ and would it give ice cream?
Two Eskimos paddling a kayak in James Bay kayak were cold, so they lit a fire in the middle of the boat,but when the fire got going it burned a hole in the craft and the kayak sank--- so this proves that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too
It was so cold
It was so cold...
1. the churchgoers wrapped their bibles in flannel and called themselves the frozen chosen.
2. the postman quit worrying about being chased by dogs and started worrying about abominable snowmen
3. I couldn't tell my breath from a snowflurry- consequently it lodged in my mustache and I didn't need to trim it- I just broke off small pieces.
4. It was so cold a streaker froze in mid streak and they used him as a statue outside Deja Vu.
5. It was so cold the County road commission decided to trade in a snowplow for an Ice Breaker.
I told the shift manager that I was sorry it took so long to get there, but my shadow kept freezing to the pavement.
A co-worker said she didn't have that problem- because she got there before sunrise.
Why did the snowman order at the Burger King drive thru?
A: He wanted a coke icee.
Q: what do you call a penguin on the shores of Greenland? A: Lost- they only live in the southern hemisphere.
What is the Tow-truck drivers theme-song
A; there's no business like snow business
If you cross dracula with a snowman-do you get frostbite?
Then there was the guy who crossed a mink with an octopus- I still don't know why he wanted a coat with eight sleeves.
Q. What kind of bike does a Snowman ride?
A. He rides an Ice-cycle ;-)
What did jack frost tell the snowman? A: Have an ice day.
February
If tyhe groundhog did his laundry on February 1st would that be hogwash day?
QL: why was the groundhog was unhappy with his den? It was a bad lair day.
>>>>> If our groundhog sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter,
~~~ but if a woodchopper sees a ground log he gets six more weeks of splinters
Q: If someone created a very small valentine would it be called valentiny?
Q:Where does a snowman keep his money? A: In a snow bank - but there is very little there since most of his assets are frozen.
What does a snowman use for a hat? A: An Ice cap.
Abraham Lincoln said- If I was twofaced, would I be wearing this one?
Q:What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? A:Cauliflowers!
I am going out to dinner and a movie on the 14th. Pity my wife won't join me
Two atoms HAVE A CHANCE ENCOUNTER and One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No",THE OTHER REPLIES "I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive."
Q: How come George Washington could not throw a Dollar across the Potomac these days?
A: Because, today, a dollar just won't go that far.
Q: If the cat in the hat was driving an automobile and singing, would it be a car-tune?
The cat in the hat wanted some gold soup, he started with vegetable and added 24 carats (carrots)
March
Q. What is the Military General's favourite Month?
A. March !!!
Q:Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford the airfare.
Q: If you crossed a harlequin with a Leprechaun would you get a small man with a pot of Fools Gold?
I heard that the verizon man got his phone broken- see he stuck his head in the Leprechauns window and said 'can you hear me now? the Leprechaun brought his shillelagh down and smashed it. Goodbye cell phone
Then there was the case of Mr. O'Malley. Someone accused him of painting his horse green, but he denied it. He said it was a pigment of someones imagination.
Can you name an irish spider?- sure, Paddy Long Legs.
Did you hear, the March hare got caught out in a rainstorm and had to dry off with a hare dryer.
For Easter Jokes see April
April
a rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning when he ran across a nest of eggs dyed every color in the rainbow. He took one look and ran out and beat up the resident peacock.
What is the best time for monkey business? A: Ape- ril Fools day.
comes in, the IRS will be right there to unload it.
Did you hear about the unfortunate soul that had a cannibal prepare his taxes? ...It charged him an arm and a leg
Have you noticed if you insert IRS after THE your income becomes THEIRS
A man was dying and instructed his lawyer "I want to be cremated"
Very well said the lawyer- what do you want done with your ashes?
"Put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS with a note: Now you have everything."
I heard that a pig lost its voice- so did that make it disgruntled?
How come a rabbit delivers easter eggs instead of the Chicken?
A: the chicken is to busy crossing the road.
Then there is the story of the three idiots who were killed in a car crash and went to heaven: God told them they could come in if they answered one question- What is Easter? The first one thought a moment and said, "is that the time in November when we all eat turkey?" "No," God said.
the second said- "Is it the time when your son went down to earth to become a man and was laid in a manger?" "Wrong again," God replied, "but you are getting closer." the third one had a sudden inspiration and said "I know, it was the time after Christ paid for our sins and was dead, He rose, alive again, and came out of the tomb..."
God smiled. the man continued "then he saw his shadow, and went back for six more weeks." pause "Close enough" God said, and let him in.
Did you hear about the sadist who poured hot steaming water down a rabbit hole? _He got Hot Cross bunnies .
Why should you never tell a really good joke to an Easter egg? A: It might crack-up.
Q: What did the rain cloud have under his coat?
A: Thunderwear.
Q: why were no cards played on Noah's Ark
A: Because Noah sat on the deck.
Q: What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
A:Flood Lights.
May
Q:What's the best date for a Star-wars convention A: 4 May (may the 4th be with you)
Q. If April showers bring mayflowers, then what do Mayflowers bring?
A.Mayflowers bring pilgrims. ;-)
Don't feel bad if you don't get the next joke- it is somewhat local in nature: At work we can't find three of our motorized carts(Amigos) so we called them the Lost Tres Amigos.
I hear they are consolidating some jobs in city government. The Assistant Parks Director now has 200 people beneath him, just not the same ones- he now mows the lawn at Evergreen cemetery.
Buddy Hackett once said: his mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Someone said his mother could tell the future with cards.-Really?
she took one look at his report card and told him what would happen when his father got home.
Why did the chicken cross over the playground? - A- to get to the other slide
...Q: What was green and did trick shooting? A: Annie Okra.
Q: why did the gardener quit? A: because his celery wasn't high enough....
...Did you hear about the young farmer who got mad when his eggplant wouldn't hatch?
He wanted to have a henweigh (pause> and the straight man asks- What's a henweigh?
to which the answer comes -Oh, three or for pounds depending on the size of the hen.
June
Q. If April showers bring mayflowers-
(punchline:) Do May showers bring June-bugs?
ALTERNATE ANSWER: NO, they bring allergies (ah-choo)
Is cuckoo Catchoo said by an allergic clock?
A boy came barging noisily down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance.
"Jimmy,' the father said, 'how many times do I have to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being."
The father turned his back while the young son went back upstairs.
There was a silence, and Jimmy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father. "Now will you always come down stairs like that?"
"That's fine with me," said his son. "I slid down the bannister." Another time the father was met my his wife when he came home from work and she told him, You need to have a talk with Jimmy- he refused to obey me today. So the Father sat down with his son and said: Jimmy, I hear you disobeyed your mother. What makes you think you are better than your old man? ( implication- if the father has to obey his wife, then so should the son.)
My dad once told me "only fools are positive"
I asked -"Are you sure about that?" Dad grinned and said "I'm positive!"
Q: Why did the melons have a church wedding?
A: Because they canteloupe.
July
Q: Did you hear about the girl with the eating disorder who swallowed firecrackers?
Her hair came out in bangs!!
Yesterday it was so hot , I saw a dog chasing a squirrel and they were both walking.
It was so hot that I heard of one farmer who fed his hens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
It was so hot that an Amish farmer came in from milking the cow and by the time he reached the farmhouse all he had was evaporated milk.
It was so hot that my shadow was getting third degree burns.
then there was the Connecticut Minuteman who bought a French dog-
it was a Yankee Poodle.
Q: what does my cat like to eat on a hot summer day?
A: Mice Cream cones.
A history teacher once asked me -What did they do at the Boston Tea Party- I told her : Beats me- I wasn't invited.
August
Did you hear about the hen who went into politics- she had a lot of egg-spenses
Why did the hen who stop in the middle of the road?
-She wanted to lay it on the line.
Q. What direction does a chicken swim?
A. She swims cluckwise !!
Q: how come you can't tell secrets in a cornfield?
A there's too many ears.
How did the mayor turn a melon into a squash?
A: He threw it off the top of the Boji Tower
Did you hear about the guy who crossed a crocodile with an Abalone?--he got a croc of baloney.
Q: How many folk-singers does it take to change in a lightbulb.
A: five, one to unscrew the old one and four to sing about how wonderful the old one was. 
September
Someone said that if all the cars in the US were lined up end to end, it would probably be Labor day weekend.
The city of Lansing hosted dragonboat races during Labor day weekend. This reminded me of my old friend Victor Wong. Of course I haven't heard from him in years and every time I tried to call him I would get a Wong Number. 
Why did the teacher put rubber bands on her students foreheads? A- so they could make snap decisions.
I heard that one of the high school teachers wore sunglasses to her classroom. She said she had to because his students were so bright.
Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up nights thinking about the existence of doG!!
Q: what is worse than finding a worm in an apple?
A: finding half a worm in an apple.
How did I turn a pumpkin into a squash?
I placed it in the drive through at Burger King.
After enough cars ran over it -it was a squash all right.
Why can't a chicken coop have foor doors?- then it would be a chicken sedan>
October
The UAW wanted to make a real scary jack-o-lantern so they had a pumpkin carved with an image of Mitt Romney.... what do you use for a fat jack-o-lantern A. A large plumpkin
a Florida witch was rather distraught, it seems she left heer cape at Canaveral
Q: why is Dracula not invited to any parties?
A; Because everyone thinks he is a pain in the neck!!!
Did you hear about the witch whose broom was to short?
She kept flying off the handle
What is the ghost's favorite fruit A: BOOberries
What is the Vampires favorite fruit " A: Neck tarines
What do you get if you cross frosty the snowman and dracula?
A: Frostbite
What did the Hungarian fiend have for dinner A: Ghoul ash
Q. Why did the skeleton NOT cross the street?
Answer: He didn't have the guts.
Q: what colour is a seagoing ghost? Answer: Navy BOO ;-)
Q: what do you get if you cross a Mummy with a Vampire?
A: I don't know , but I don't want to be the one to unwrap it.
Then there is the ghostly theatrical troupe that wanted to rent the Wharton Centre to put on a musical they said it would be a spooktactular.- unfortunately for them the plan was dead before it ever started; the stage manager said they only did live productions and their proposal didn't stand a ghjost of a chance!
Q: Why did the spectre quit playing the lottery?
A: He decided that he didn't have a ghost of a chance of winning.
November
A young daughter asked her father: do all fairy tales begin "Once upon a time?
No the father answered- some begin "If I am elected ..."
Q:What key will not unlock anything- A: A turkey~~
At the thanksgiving dinner they had hollandaise sauce in a chrome pitcher. Someone asked why it wasn't gold or silver.
The hostess replied haven't you heard- there's no place like chrome for the hollandaise.
external link here Thanksgiving jokes
Q: Did you hear about the pilgrim who was almost wounded? It was an 'arrow' escape
Is Vegetarian an Iroquois word for lousy hunter?
Q. What goes gobble, gobble, gobble BANG
A. A turkey in a mine field
Q: How come the turkey didn't eat his dessert?
A: He was already stuffed. ;-)
Did you know that in America on thanksgiving people gobble and turkeys don't 
.
Did you hear- the band let the turkey join because he brought his own drumsticks.
However he was arrested because the police suspect him of foul play.
Q. If April showers bring mayflowers, then what do Mayflowers bring?
A.Mayflowers bring pilgrims. ;-)
If a UFO lands in a cranberry bog does that make it a Cranberry saucer?
Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers at the thanksgiving feast?---A. to keep his wig warm.
And then there was the man that ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.
Q: what kind of music does a teen aged pilgrim like?
A: Pilgrim rock
How many pilgrims did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None- pilgrims didn't use lightbulbs
Knock Knock
Who's there
Waddle
Waddle who
What'l we do when we run out of thanksgiving Jokes
A: write Black Friday Jokes
If three customers at Black friday fight over A blu-ray player DOES IT BECOME A BLACK AND BLUE player?
Black Friday is the only day of the year people would get up at 3 AM to buy a TV whose name they can't even pronounce.
Q If I go to the sale with a coat and it has a Five dollar bill in each pocket what do I have?
A: someone else's coat
Did you hear how Rudolph was educated- he didn't go to a regular school- he was Elf taught
December
Christmas is the time of year when people get Santamental.
If someone is afraid of getting stuck in a chimney, woulod you call that Santaclaustrophobia?- (I know don't quit my day job) that is just a first draft.
I attended a chess tournament in a swank Chicago,Illinois hotel.
A few of the top players were hanging around the lobby telling anyone who would listen how they were easily beating up the competition. suddenly the Hotel Manager showed up and told them to take their conversation somewhere else. It seems he couldn't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer
Did you hear about the man who left a roaring fire burning in his fireplace on Christmas Eve? The result was a Crisp Kringle.
Q: Why does Santa go down dirty Chimneys
A: Because it soots him.
Someone said Santa is a perfect house guest- he only comes once a year,he brings gifts, and never outstays his welcome. ;-)
What is Santa's favourite pizza? a: one that is deep pan,crisp, and even. 
What did Santa say when he told a joke to his new reindeer?
A: This will sleigh you.>
Q. Why does Santa keep a greenhouse full of Poinsettias at the North Pole?
A. It gives him something he can hoe, hoe, ho.
A sage once reflected that there are three stages to a man's life. 1. He Believes in santa, 2. He doesn't believe 3. He is Santa.
I'm going to blame Santa Claus for global warming---He brought coal to to many people.
How many reindeer does it take to change a lightbulb?
answer:8 ( one to screw it in and seven to hold rudolph down
Why was Ebeneezer Scrooge especially fond of male reindeer?
A: Because every buck is deer to him. 
When I was a kid, I was in a christmas play- I was one of the three wise guys
Did you hear that a manager left a till in the walk in freezer over the Christmas Holiday.- He said he wanted Cold hard cash
What did Adam say to his wife on December 31st. It's New Years -Eve!!
A Man was thinking about the evils of Alcohol on New Years Eve So He made a resolution----- To stop thinking 
