Charlestown, Massachusetts
Created | Updated Sep 17, 2002
Home to Paul Revere and a host of dead Revolutionary War soldiers, Charlestown, Massachusetts is a wonderful townlet chock full of surprising inconsistencies. For instance, it was here in 1775 where the Battle of Bunker Hill was fought, in which the revolutionary forces got their proverbial butts handed to them by the British. Who in turn, out of spite or just plain stupidity, proceeded to burn down all of Charlestown. I am inclined to think that the reason for the conflagration was the latter, as said battle was not fought on Bunker Hill at all, but actually on Breed's Hill. Due to a flaw in British intelligence (or the fact that they had none at all) they mistakenly charged up Breed's Hill, thinking it was Bunker Hill, and soundly whipped the Americans anyway. The wonderfully phallic Bunker Hill monument sits atop Breed's Hill as a testament to the Brits' ignorance and predilection for fires.
Inconsistency #2: The Charlestown Navy Yard, which is no longer a naval yard at all, but rather a sub-townlet within the hamlet of Charlestown proper, houses the U.S.S. Constitution, the oldest commissioned warship in U.S. history, nicknamed "Old Ironsides". The ship itself is wooden, which leads me to believe that the American armed forces were no smarter than their British counterparts.
The town itself is populated by a strange mix of people. There are the hardcore, generationally-rooted families who have been living in Charlestown since, well, the damn place burned down. They refer to themselves as "Townies" and generally dislike anyone who has moved in within the last 50 years or so. Their archrivals are referred to by the Townies as "Toonies", for a reason that probably makes good sense to the Townies but not to anyone else. The Toonies are your typical upper middle-class 30-something gym rats with 2.3 children and at least as many dogs. (A small digression, if you will allow it: there are lots and lots of dogs in Charlestown. Hence there are a lot of dog 'leftovers' as well, so it behooves visitors to wear appropriate footwear.) The dogs get on well with the children, who get on well with the owners/parents. However, the Toonies as a group do not get on well with the Townies. Sadly, the forces of economics being what they are, the Townies are being bought up and relocated, and the Toonies are slowly repopulating the area. This has led to an alarming increase in upscale flower boutiques, pretentious restaurants, and dog walking services. Most often one can find such businesses occupying storefronts alongside liquor stores, 7-11s, and housing projects.
On to the bar scene. Sadly, the bar scene is not extensive, although it is interesting in that it reflects the socioeconomic diversity of the town as a whole. The Warren Tavern, which was opened in 1780, bills itself as the oldest continually operating bar in Boston, and the former meeting place of many of our Founding Fathers (Paul Revere was quite the Tavern's barfly for many years, being a Charlestown resident). It has a very colonial charm to it; low ceilings, wooden beams, good beer and typical pub food. Unfortunately, for all of its charm, it is almost entirely frequented by the Toonies, who generally stand around making plastic conversation and looking uncomfortable in their Hermes scarves and Bruno Maglis. As an aside, the Warren Tavern burger is the best burger in Western civilization. You'll just have to trust me on that one.
If you intend to bar hop, you will not have to go far, for there is only one other bar to hop to, and it's about 30 yards down the street. (There is another bar called Tavern on the Water, but it is owned by the Warren Tavern, and being that it is located in the Navy Yard, it is only open seasonally.) The other bar is called Sullivan's, and as you would expect from such a good, Irish name, it is a good, Irish pub, with classy American touches like karaoke on Thursday nights. They do not serve food, they do not take credit cards, and they generally look unfavorably on people in suits and high heels. Basically, if you are looking to grease the mind with some pretty standard libations, this is your place. Zero for atmosphere, but plus several million for the one abusive waitress and the general "pub feel" of the place. Note: don't put your cigarette out in an empty glass, as the aforementioned waitress tends to get bent out of shape about such things. Oh, and don't expect a bathroom mirror, paper towels, or even a working toilet. But hey, who needs those things anyway?
A final inconsistency: Charlestown is 100% part of the city of Boston. It has no separate town council or mayor, and it falls under the jurisdiction and tax laws of Boston proper. That being said, it is also bounded by parts of a river, requiring one to cross a bridge no matter how one approaches from downtown Boston. It also has its own unique name, telephone exchanges, and is generally about as far removed from Boston (both physically and in spirit) as a neighborhood can get.
There is much more I could write in this space about Charlestown (or "Chucktown" for those of us who are "cool"), but nothing that would really impress the reader. Yes, it has a library, and grocery store, a Blockbuster, ATMs, bus service, takeout and delivery places, and all the other wonderful things that make a town a town. But you don't care about that. :-)
Inconsistency #2: The Charlestown Navy Yard, which is no longer a naval yard at all, but rather a sub-townlet within the hamlet of Charlestown proper, houses the U.S.S. Constitution, the oldest commissioned warship in U.S. history, nicknamed "Old Ironsides". The ship itself is wooden, which leads me to believe that the American armed forces were no smarter than their British counterparts.
The town itself is populated by a strange mix of people. There are the hardcore, generationally-rooted families who have been living in Charlestown since, well, the damn place burned down. They refer to themselves as "Townies" and generally dislike anyone who has moved in within the last 50 years or so. Their archrivals are referred to by the Townies as "Toonies", for a reason that probably makes good sense to the Townies but not to anyone else. The Toonies are your typical upper middle-class 30-something gym rats with 2.3 children and at least as many dogs. (A small digression, if you will allow it: there are lots and lots of dogs in Charlestown. Hence there are a lot of dog 'leftovers' as well, so it behooves visitors to wear appropriate footwear.) The dogs get on well with the children, who get on well with the owners/parents. However, the Toonies as a group do not get on well with the Townies. Sadly, the forces of economics being what they are, the Townies are being bought up and relocated, and the Toonies are slowly repopulating the area. This has led to an alarming increase in upscale flower boutiques, pretentious restaurants, and dog walking services. Most often one can find such businesses occupying storefronts alongside liquor stores, 7-11s, and housing projects.
On to the bar scene. Sadly, the bar scene is not extensive, although it is interesting in that it reflects the socioeconomic diversity of the town as a whole. The Warren Tavern, which was opened in 1780, bills itself as the oldest continually operating bar in Boston, and the former meeting place of many of our Founding Fathers (Paul Revere was quite the Tavern's barfly for many years, being a Charlestown resident). It has a very colonial charm to it; low ceilings, wooden beams, good beer and typical pub food. Unfortunately, for all of its charm, it is almost entirely frequented by the Toonies, who generally stand around making plastic conversation and looking uncomfortable in their Hermes scarves and Bruno Maglis. As an aside, the Warren Tavern burger is the best burger in Western civilization. You'll just have to trust me on that one.
If you intend to bar hop, you will not have to go far, for there is only one other bar to hop to, and it's about 30 yards down the street. (There is another bar called Tavern on the Water, but it is owned by the Warren Tavern, and being that it is located in the Navy Yard, it is only open seasonally.) The other bar is called Sullivan's, and as you would expect from such a good, Irish name, it is a good, Irish pub, with classy American touches like karaoke on Thursday nights. They do not serve food, they do not take credit cards, and they generally look unfavorably on people in suits and high heels. Basically, if you are looking to grease the mind with some pretty standard libations, this is your place. Zero for atmosphere, but plus several million for the one abusive waitress and the general "pub feel" of the place. Note: don't put your cigarette out in an empty glass, as the aforementioned waitress tends to get bent out of shape about such things. Oh, and don't expect a bathroom mirror, paper towels, or even a working toilet. But hey, who needs those things anyway?
A final inconsistency: Charlestown is 100% part of the city of Boston. It has no separate town council or mayor, and it falls under the jurisdiction and tax laws of Boston proper. That being said, it is also bounded by parts of a river, requiring one to cross a bridge no matter how one approaches from downtown Boston. It also has its own unique name, telephone exchanges, and is generally about as far removed from Boston (both physically and in spirit) as a neighborhood can get.
There is much more I could write in this space about Charlestown (or "Chucktown" for those of us who are "cool"), but nothing that would really impress the reader. Yes, it has a library, and grocery store, a Blockbuster, ATMs, bus service, takeout and delivery places, and all the other wonderful things that make a town a town. But you don't care about that. :-)
