Dozy Old Gits
Created | Updated May 9, 2002
Many supermarkets now open early in the morning, to allow people to pop in and do a quick bit of shopping. This is a boon to those working, say, in publishing, desperate to get into the office as soon as possible, but who need to get a loaf of bread or pint of milk to take home in the evening. The operative word being quick. In and out in five minutes, that’s the idea.
It’s a fine principle but you have to take into account the Dozy Old Git factor. Early on, supermarkets are infested with legions of shuffling geriatrics, who have all the time in the world and think everyone else has too. Why they feel they have to do their shopping so early is a mystery. Probably it has to do with the fact that as you get older you need less and less sleep. Everyone knows of a grandmother who survives on less than two hours a night. (If you could live long enough, would you eventually need a negative amount of sleep? What would happen then?)
There are a number of varieties of DOG’s. The first is usually, but not always, a man. He pays for his shopping with a huge and leaky handful of loose change, which he peers at with an air of bafflement, as if wondering where all the half crowns and threepenny bits have gone to.
Then there’s the woman who watches in a trance as her goods pass down the conveyor belt, only apparently realising she needs to pay for them when the last item has been very, very carefully packed in carriers. She then spends the next ten minutes searching for her purse, before announcing that she must have left it in her other coat. In the same pocket as her brain, no doubt.
Or there’s the shopper who, with great skill and dedication, selects items from the shelves which have no readable bar codes. These have to be looked up on a dog eared photocopied list, and keyed in manually.
The staff employed for the early shift seem rather odd. All the male staff are camper than John Inman in a caravan with Graham Norton and Dale Winton. Each store also seems to employ a selection of vastly overweight women. Or maybe there’s only one, who just looks different depending on your vantage point. They must have an arrangement with the employment agencies. (“Just send us the really big ones. We’ve got very wide aisles!”)
It’s a fine principle but you have to take into account the Dozy Old Git factor. Early on, supermarkets are infested with legions of shuffling geriatrics, who have all the time in the world and think everyone else has too. Why they feel they have to do their shopping so early is a mystery. Probably it has to do with the fact that as you get older you need less and less sleep. Everyone knows of a grandmother who survives on less than two hours a night. (If you could live long enough, would you eventually need a negative amount of sleep? What would happen then?)
There are a number of varieties of DOG’s. The first is usually, but not always, a man. He pays for his shopping with a huge and leaky handful of loose change, which he peers at with an air of bafflement, as if wondering where all the half crowns and threepenny bits have gone to.
Then there’s the woman who watches in a trance as her goods pass down the conveyor belt, only apparently realising she needs to pay for them when the last item has been very, very carefully packed in carriers. She then spends the next ten minutes searching for her purse, before announcing that she must have left it in her other coat. In the same pocket as her brain, no doubt.
Or there’s the shopper who, with great skill and dedication, selects items from the shelves which have no readable bar codes. These have to be looked up on a dog eared photocopied list, and keyed in manually.
The staff employed for the early shift seem rather odd. All the male staff are camper than John Inman in a caravan with Graham Norton and Dale Winton. Each store also seems to employ a selection of vastly overweight women. Or maybe there’s only one, who just looks different depending on your vantage point. They must have an arrangement with the employment agencies. (“Just send us the really big ones. We’ve got very wide aisles!”)
