The Quest

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is a work of fiction. Characters are intended to be amusing caricatures of their h2g2 counterparts, and the author means no offense in the use of researchers' names and characters. I don't even portray sea accurately. In short, please do not be offended. Your inclusion in the story simply means that I like you, so be flattered!


sea sat brooding in the front seat of the taxi. She had the strangest feeling that she had met the taxi driver before, but couldn't quite remember where. Gw7en and Marv were being rowdy in the back seat, singing drinking songs and generally making nuisances of themselves. sea suspected that they were mostly doing it in a futile attempt to wake affy - who, upon settling into the middle back seat of the taxi, had fallen deeply asleep. Yo sat next to sea, dozing with his head on her shoulder. sea glanced over at the taxi driver and was startled to find that he was looking at her. The moonlight lit his face just right, highlighting a large cut on his left temple. sea smiled politely at him and leaned over, putting her arms around Yo.

Yo's eyes opened as sea put her hand on the gun he had holstered under his arm. sea shook her head slightly, silencing him, and took the gun. She leaned back against the car seat and sighed as Yo put his head back on her shoulder. She looked over at the driver.

'Pull over,'
she said.

'I thought you were going back to your hotel. I'll be glad to take you there,'
the driver replied, making no effort to slow down. In fact, he seemed to be slowly speeding up.

sea cocked the gun and the car went silent. Affy opened his eyes, but no one moved.

'I said pull over.'

The driver considered his options for a moment, then jammed his foot down on the accelerator.

'What are you doing?!'
cried Gw7en.

'If you shoot me, the car crashes!'
cried the driver while running a red light and quite nearly causing an accident.

'Do you honestly think I could be in this business and be afraid to die?'
sea grinned.

'I'm surprised you were brave enough to come near me in a car after the last time. I thought leaving you naked in the dump would be sufficient incentive never to carjack me again, but here you are. I respect that. However, I'm still probably going to have to kill you this time.'

The man scowled and sped on.

'sea, please. Don't crash the car. You don't have a seatbelt,'
Yo whispered into her ear.

'Who would have expected a simple taxi ride to become an adventure?'
Affy was, apparently, the only one who found the bright side of the situation.

sea continued to hold the gun.

'This amuses me. Where are we going?'


'All right, well, drive on then, driver. I want to see the lovely place you plan to kill us in.'

'The docks again? How cliché'd!'
sea exclaimed.

'Minus points for redundance, my friend. No style, no style at all.'

'Would you SHUT UP?!'
The man yelled, angry.

sea cocked the gun again.

'Ah, but you forget that I am the one with the gun. Now, down on your knees. Put your hands on the ground in front of you.'

The man slumped down, defeated. sea stepped back to confer with her colleagues.

'What shall we do with him?'

'Women's correctional facility?'

'Nah, he might enjoy that.'

'We could ship him back to Los Angeles and send him to live in South Central...'

'No one deserves THAT. Well, maybe Uncle Heavy. But we'll save that one for him.'

'String him up by his ankles from a light pole?'
Yo winked at sea.

'No, darling, I only do that to the people I like.'
sea replied, grinning.

'I've got it!'
cried Marv. He whispered in sea's ear.

she cried.

the man interjected.

'I have a family! It's just a job!'

'Aw, that's no fair!'
Marv groaned.

'I can't do that to him now.

Gw7en, who had been silent, suddenly piped up.

'I have an idea.'

A few phone calls later, sea broke the news to the man.

'Well, you'll be happy to know that we have decided to let you live.'

The man looked relieved.

'We've also found you a new job.'

The man looked confused.

sea grinned and continued,

'You'll be working as a Barney impersonator at children's parties.'
The man's face fell.

'And if you cease to work for the people I've contacted for you, they will let me know. If this happens, I'll come looking for you, Mr....'
sea consulted the wallet she had taken from his pocket.

'Mr. Zeb.'

Zeb looked utterly crushed.

'Well, this is where we leave you. Have a lovely evening, Mr. Zeb. Don't forget to tell Uncle Heavy that you've quit working for him.'
sea patted Zeb on the head and the five adventurers went back to the taxi.

Zeb buried his head in his hands as the taxi backed away from him, then turned around and headed back toward the hotel. He sighed heavily, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a cell phone.

Well THAT sure is a lousy excuse for a suspenseful ending! sea is slipping! Or is she going for the surprise cell-phone-is-really-a-bomb-and-blows-Zeb's-head-off angle? Find out next week!

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