The Beginner's Guide to Flatulence.
Created | Updated May 2, 2002
All too often in the hustle & bustle of modern life we all-too-often forget the mundane and important things in life. I wish to restore balance, and remind people of one of the basic pleasures of existence. Farting.
Many are the days I have spent with my Family where we have all partaken of our favourite past-times. My Wife is particularly fond of my heady Sunday morning cocktail of Curry, and high strength lager from the previous evening.
Flatulence is a past-time that can easily be enjoyed by both sexes. It is fun to share,and has many applications. For example;
It can be used to great effect when at solemn occasions - such as funerals - where a bit of welcome cheer is needed. Just drop a litre of marsh gas, and watch them all laugh. You know they're laughing because of the tears.
Should relatives outstay their welcome, a quick 'quack' at an opportune moment will have them reaching for their coats.
Flatulence can be used to revive a flagging conversation at dinner parties, and other such events. Many is the time I have interrupted a pregnant pause in dialogue with a well-timed B# Minor.
There are two basic types of flatulence; Silent and Loud, taking in Muted, 'Trumpet', Mosquito, and 'Whoopee Cushion' on the way. The choice is up to the individual, my favourite being the Loud Whoopee cushion, used to great effect when sitting on pine chairs. I have found it gives a rich and fully rounded tone.
Flatulence does have it's perils, however. The biggest dread of all flatulent people, even seasoned professionals such as daytime TV host Gloria Hunniford (allegedly), is the follow-on. Although hilarious to the onlooker, it can have a disastrous effect on the perpetrator. Excessive follow-on can lead to piles, Elephantitis or in extreme cases, severe mental trauma as suffered by many of our leading purveyors. Liam Gallagher from the band Oasis (allegedly) who was a sweet young choirboy before his unfortunate performance at the Ordination of the now-retired Archbishop of Canterbury.
There is an old saying, no smoke without fire. Too true! And the quality of the fire is always determined by the fuel. Call me old fashioned, but I feel that the only true fuel for flatulence is beer, and plenty of it. The choice is a matter of personal taste, but I would like to make a few recommendations for a better performance.
1) Highly flavoured foods give your farts that personal touch. Who can forget that Morning after Curry odour, especially when cultivated all night under the duvet, mixed with body odour.
2) Fizzy drinks. Not highly effective as far as a flavouring, but definitely adds that "sparkle" to your performance.
I hope that you will enjoy your new hobby as much as I do. Should you have any suggestions, then I would gladly include them in any further updates. Good luck, and have fun.
N.B. Interesting fact. Women's farts are actually more pungent than men's. They also fart more often, up to 50 times a day. Sadly, though they are good at covering it up.
Many are the days I have spent with my Family where we have all partaken of our favourite past-times. My Wife is particularly fond of my heady Sunday morning cocktail of Curry, and high strength lager from the previous evening.
Flatulence is a past-time that can easily be enjoyed by both sexes. It is fun to share,and has many applications. For example;
It can be used to great effect when at solemn occasions - such as funerals - where a bit of welcome cheer is needed. Just drop a litre of marsh gas, and watch them all laugh. You know they're laughing because of the tears.
Should relatives outstay their welcome, a quick 'quack' at an opportune moment will have them reaching for their coats.
Flatulence can be used to revive a flagging conversation at dinner parties, and other such events. Many is the time I have interrupted a pregnant pause in dialogue with a well-timed B# Minor.
There are two basic types of flatulence; Silent and Loud, taking in Muted, 'Trumpet', Mosquito, and 'Whoopee Cushion' on the way. The choice is up to the individual, my favourite being the Loud Whoopee cushion, used to great effect when sitting on pine chairs. I have found it gives a rich and fully rounded tone.
Flatulence does have it's perils, however. The biggest dread of all flatulent people, even seasoned professionals such as daytime TV host Gloria Hunniford (allegedly), is the follow-on. Although hilarious to the onlooker, it can have a disastrous effect on the perpetrator. Excessive follow-on can lead to piles, Elephantitis or in extreme cases, severe mental trauma as suffered by many of our leading purveyors. Liam Gallagher from the band Oasis (allegedly) who was a sweet young choirboy before his unfortunate performance at the Ordination of the now-retired Archbishop of Canterbury.
There is an old saying, no smoke without fire. Too true! And the quality of the fire is always determined by the fuel. Call me old fashioned, but I feel that the only true fuel for flatulence is beer, and plenty of it. The choice is a matter of personal taste, but I would like to make a few recommendations for a better performance.
1) Highly flavoured foods give your farts that personal touch. Who can forget that Morning after Curry odour, especially when cultivated all night under the duvet, mixed with body odour.
2) Fizzy drinks. Not highly effective as far as a flavouring, but definitely adds that "sparkle" to your performance.
I hope that you will enjoy your new hobby as much as I do. Should you have any suggestions, then I would gladly include them in any further updates. Good luck, and have fun.
N.B. Interesting fact. Women's farts are actually more pungent than men's. They also fart more often, up to 50 times a day. Sadly, though they are good at covering it up.
