Perth's the second most isolated state capital city on Earth, which speaks volumes about the place. It boasts a population of just over one million or roughly, one 20th of the population of New York City and only one two-story mall, discounting shopping arcades in the city proper. For some reason, the locals tend to get a bit miffed when this is pointed out.

Perth is situated smack-dab on the Swan River, a murky brown mucky waterway, prone to chemical dumps by the local turf club and inhabited solely by brown jellyfish. Needless to say, Perth denizens are justifiably proud of it and the city itself, which, built on re-claimed swamp, has a tendancy to flood in winter. One day it may sink.

When visiting Perth, or any part of Western Australia, here are some simple tips that will make your stay more enjoyable all around.

• Visit the King's Park Botanical Gardens at least once and examine the astounding array of native flora and fauna. Stay and watch the sunset over the river. Just watch out for Rabid Japanese Tourists.
• Visit the Perth Zoo once (same as above, except the bit about sunsets).
• If you value your life (and hotel accomidation), do not compare Perth with any other city in Australia or in the world, unless it is to say how much better it is here.
• If asked which footie team you support, your immediate reply should be "West Coast (or the Eagles) but I wouldn't mind seeing the Dockers win occasionally". If asked what soccer team you support, it's the Glory.
• Don't visit Perth in winter (that's summer for all you in the Nothern Hemisphere), especially if you are a Pom (because it wouldn't be too much of a change for you), for not only is it soggy but smoggy as well, due to the standard method of heating homes (smoke-belching wood-burning fires). Visit in summer instead, even though it'll still be smoggy (due to the bushfires) and it's usually possible to fry an egg on the street of 8 am, if the tar hasn't already melted.

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